Submissive sexualising a break-up? (43)

Our minds work alike it would appear lol ... but the sad reality is the last comment: "that will lead (her) to doubt that she did the right thing"; the one 'you' most want to be true is unfortunately very rarely the case! ... unless you're watching a movie lol!!!

i haven't gone through the break-up of a relationship like yours and haven't processed in such a way that it's resulted in it being sexualised; but if it works for you, it works. Does it work?

Although you're submissive and want to give up control, having some control is important in my opinion. i understand how it is one of the last things you want, though.

i sincerely hope things improve for you...

Bloody hell, Saaaam! What on earth are you doing with a sense of humour? You came over all PC ten minutes ago, and as you WELL know, those things are mutually exclusive under the Rodham-Harman Convention. As for my hints... well, Saaaam dear, take the hint that I do think there are innate differences between men and women, and that it's got nothing to do with the bogus idea of "gender'. I want your sex.

Bet ?

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Remy_B wrote: Thanks TI, I know. (hope that short form name doesn't bug you )....

Haha, no, im used to it, altho if you must shorten it I prefer tainted.

Yeah, you've got lots of useful replies. Plus, well done for putting up a pic, ready for when you eventually are ready to start arm chancing again

No shit sherlock? You, an emotional masochist? I could have told you that . The question is - does that mean you are less likely to have a positive emotional relationship because of it, as you seem to get more infatuated with more bitchy women, and definately are more turned on by it? (yes, I know im being contravershal, deliberately so) (yes, I know my spelling is shocking)

Also, in reply to some earlier comments about D/s I'll add my tuppenys worth. I am not an emotional masochist. So if my Dom was to withdraw contact, or deliberately hurt me emotionally (e.g. "hurtful" name calling, as a simple example), I would find it very destructive, to my trust in Him, and also to my sense of self-worth. So once again, not all subbies are the same.

You'll find your mistress right some day. Just need to find someone who can be bitchy - but genuinely loves you and cares for you (and so wouldnt "really" hurt you). Thats what you deserve. Right now tho, you need to sort out your own little head first.

But I have been in an abusive relationship with a woman who pretty much dominated me in every other way (she was also quite dominant in her approach to vanilla sex)

When I ended that relationship because I'd had enough of the mental torture and the general abusive disfunction of the relationship - I experienced pretty much the same thing you're experiencing now.

I sexualised all of the unpleasantness, all of the guilt-tripping and even invented unpleasant 'break-up' scenarios and fantasies. Some of my sexual fantasies at that time were pretty fucked up.

All I can say is - it's part of the healing process, it's a natural submissive response to a break-up and it does pass with time.

It's your brain working through all of the crap, and giving you some titilation as a compensation. Don't worry about it - embrace the fantasies - it is part of the healing process and will pass with time.

The fucked up fantasies about your ex are much like the pain and hurt you are feeling. They'll stick around as long as you are still healing. Don't force yourself to 'get over it'. Eventually you will get over it naturally and then the fantasies about the ex will get less and less until one day you'll find that even if you want to fantasise about your ex that it really doesn't work as well as it used to. Then you'll know that you've fully recovered.

"I can't conceal the way I'm healed, the pleasure I feel when I have to deal with the mercy in you" Depeche Mode 'Mercy in you'

Well, the break up part of it yes (but I do hope that not everyone on earth has to go through the "planning future life & love & D/s together" to "not interested at all, prefer someone else" in the space of a few days or so like I got, but that's another long story!), but I do seriously doubt that everyone on earth is also actually turned on by this!

*laughs* I know where you are coming from, and I guess you are slightly tongue-in-cheek by that smiley. But nah, it doesn't really describe me or my feelings, although you could well be right regarding her reaction if that turn of events occured.

But all I want from her really (already disregarding any continued non-love-relationship D/s!) is to see her happy & fulfilled - & yep this my romantic side showing now! If I really believed the path she was on would do that for her, it would be much easier for me to get over the love aspects of the relationship that way, but sadly, I truely believe it isn't. But I also know it's what she's chosen and that there's almost nothing I can do now, except get out of the way more or less.

It's not so easy just to 'go out' with someone else either really you know! I really would not want to 'rebound' & hurt anyone else right now whilst I'm still getting over it myself - although getting there a lot faster now I must admit.

Plus it has all really helped coalesce things I do want out of a future relationship now - so it all probably makes me a lot more 'picky' than I ever was before! Overall that is probably a good thing of course.

Aww.. I really don't mean to sound like that at all, no, honestly, romantic attachment is really lovely too (see my other post!), and also romantic D/s attachment of course!

Well I will leave the male / female sub difference for someone a lot more knowledgeable than I as I really wouldn't know! Of course every individual will be different, but there could be some gender prevalance I guess.

But for me, it is certainly possible to seperate the sexual aspect from the romantic on this point here, as this 'turn on' for me is so different an emotion to romantic attachment. I won't say it's always an =easy= seperation to make, but I've got a fair amount of introspection to fall back on to clarify this for myself.

I was trying to write something down to describe this aspect about myself, and here's a slightly abbreviated version of the =fantasy= that turns me on about this, and how I see how this element of "emotional masochism" (if it is that?) and how it affects me in particular:

"Being dominated by someone I =really= desire and find attractive, but I can't 'have'. Clearly the more I desire them the better, and even the less I can 'have' them also seems to be the better. In some ways the less I love or even like the domme emotionally and mentally, the better for me. "

So you can see how someone who's just dumped me can potentially fit this profile rather well! Does this sound like a malesub thing then? It's not quite the 'rejection' aspect that pinkylucy said in her first post, I'm pretty sure we experience this is in quite different ways or maybe it's not even similar at all.

I specified =fantasy= above as this is complex to translate into a =real= relationship as Taintedinnocence has alluded to above. But I think I've already covered some examples of how it could just about possibly be relatively 'real'. Risky and complex though, as I've admitted, and less likely to be positive as Taintedinnocence says too. As you said in your first post, the big issue is sustainability I think... which is why I agree with Taintedinnocence overall - there does have to be some =real= element of, if not love, at least commitment and caring on the part of the dom/domme here, to exercise this fantasy in any positive & sustainable way. Whew.. that was a real mind bender to write so I hope it makes some sense.

Plus of course my situation is a lot more confusing than just this, because really I do still care about her - which is a big part in me resisting temptation to give into this, because... but when I do go submissive in this particular way really shuts down that part of me. It's always complex to use this word "love" in all of these discussions because semantically it can really mean so many different things together in English (oh for many more words about it!), but here in this fantasy I definitely mean it replaces any romantic love with a very different pure sexual submissive 'worship' feeling instead for me when I feel this kind of thing.

Hehe, NP, won't shorten it anymore now I've got used to an odd feature of this board..

Well, it's not shocking or controversial to me, it's definitely me! I'd just not heard the term 'emotional masochist' to describe it before, but maybe it's not the right term for me either. Bah, semantics again!

Well I can assure you when this past relationship was working, that was exactly what it WAS like - and, it's definitely what I am after in future!

Edited 2 Jan 08, 11:39 PM by Nekkii

Thank you for sharing all of that toesuckasub. (great name btw! ).

That "brain working through all the crap" feeling is really one I can identify with.

The tricky part for me though would be to even let myself go with the fantasy a bit, yet also =not= act on it in any way for real, knowing how easy it would be to push aspects of these fantasies into my real life. I am so worried I will get too addicted to this and that the temptation will really be too great, and the fantasy really won't subside. Especially if my ex decided to ever push aspects of them herself (which is unlikely but just about possible).

It's a bit different in your case as you say you ended the relationship, but how did you manage to not try and get back into the relationship or if not 'back into it' then to not at least act on some of the fantasies? I'm guessing you managed because because you knew how bad the reality of your previous relationship was, or because you knew it was you that ended it? I don't have either form of resolution to fall back on though. Or maybe you really seperated from contact with your previous partner or something?

Actually.. not sure I am 'forcing' it or not but the fantasies do seem to already be subsiding. Which may mean I'm healing quicker than I thought then, at least based on your description. Don't worry, I'm not going to get carried away - I'm very careful to gauge this one.