Submissive sexualising a break-up? (43)

Preventing contact is already going to be difficult enough - and it's going to wreck a lot of my social life - we are liable to be at ALL the same local nights and gigs etc. Also getting her to not contact me is liable to be a nightmare... but that's soon to be discovered for sure. It's even tougher of course as I have to stop myself getting off on the very idea of having my social life wrecked too :S

No offence caused whatsoever MasculineAuthority. Totally agree that it is VERY complex to fit into any kind of relationship, but I think it could be done and could be sustainable. Maybe pinkylucy could expand on that one? I think really it just needs both parties to maturely acknowledge & recognise the 'fantasy' of it. Aside: If I felt my ex-domme could do that and want to do that, I could be in a very different situation now.

I definitely don't romanticise it though - it's pure submissive sex drive for me. The lack of romanticism about it is even a turn on.

Incidently, I like far more more than just this "EM" thing at least. It maybe the biggest part though, but I am not sure of that. But I do know it's a =very= pervasive part that I feel when I've just been dumped 'cold' & completely out of the blue like this after 11 months of submission.

Edited 2 Jan 08, 1:34 AM by Nekkii

Thank you. I wish I was always so confident about it! I know I'm sounding good now, but I'm still very upset & confused at times, but I am trying. This is certainly helping.

I'm coming at it from a different angle I think because I'm into real in a big way, rather than any kind of role play or fantasy. But I guess in a relationship there is potential - and perhaps, at the risk of outrageous sexism, specifically in a maledom-femsub relationship - for the dominant partner to use emotional distance and withdrawal as a way of reinforcing a D/s dynamic. Odd to write that, because male emotional withdrawal is generally so destructive in male-female relationships. But maybe EM suggests some potential for using it in a good way.

Why the gendered distinction when this thread alone demonstrates a male and a female who are both strongly affected by periods of abandonment?

I think you're right but I definitely think there would need to be some serious mature recognition about the EM side of things for it to be sustainable as you say.

It could still be 'real' though, I don't just mean roleplay (but that could easily be a very good outlet for it). But staying real - for example in your case, the woman you broke up with, if you had both agreed it & wanted it, could've still potentially carried on some kind of D/s dynamic and perhaps she would've enjoyed it all the more, knowing there wasn't any 'other' attachment from you any more perhaps? But as you said, it may have been a lot different in her case as she was actually romanticising it, whereas I definitely don't. But there's definitely huge risks involved either way.

In my case, in theory, I would love the 'real' too. But as per my aside above, if I started believing my ex-domme could cope with it or wanted it - now that is a total fantasy!

Edited 2 Jan 08, 2:38 AM by Nekkii

I've said something tremendously sexist, it seems. How simply awful! I said "specifically", because male-female relationships are specifically what I'm interested in. I didn't say "especially" or anything else that suggested women are more prone to be EM than men, I don't think. So I wonder what you're complaining about, really.

Edited 2 Jan 08, 2:39 AM by Thoughtleader

Yep chill guys. I think it's all ok & I don't want sidetrack this, as I'm finding it really interesting. I can see Saaaam just has some very strong views on gendering, so good on him for that, and good on you for being thorough with your explanation. Don't think you're being sexist at all.

I think everyone on earth has probably gone through what you're describing at some point or other.

the best thing for you to do is to get over it and go out with someone else. That way next time she sees you she's going to think "hmmm he got over me fast"

that will lead to doubt that she did the right thing. To most people that self doubt causes them to re-evaluate their actions and that will always put the cause of that up in their thoughts

you might never get back with her but you will go up in her estimation. Thats all you really want from her isn't it now that you've realised its over.

Her respect.

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Oh, my mistake, I thought the implication about the frequency of emotional masochism in different genders was there, but if that's what you meant then fair enough.

But if you ever even hint in a future post that there could possibly be innate differences between any of the genders in the spectrum, I'll be slapping that "heterofascist" label back on so fast you won't even be able to tell whether I'm a boi or a girlfag.

I'm interested in what you say, Remy. I wonder about this myself, sometimes: in some ways she'd have been a perfect partner for me (she was very feminine, and, once she discovered it, very, very submissive) but life, time and past choices made it all too complicated. Had she been up for submitting to any cruel, harsh and bleak emotional or sexual demands I'd made... well, that might have been fab! She was lovely, ladylike and meek. Oh, well. I guess I might meet an unattached woman like that soon.

As for "romanticising" things, I wonder whether you're being a teensy bit down on the romantics among us. What I mean is, for some (at the risk of offending Saaaam) men and women especially, the romantic thing isn't all that different from the sexual thing - they're the same thing, really, aren't they? I'm a bit foxed by your separating them so clearly - is that a malesub thing? I think for many femsubs they'd be all rolled up.