Posted by Northern_Phoenix on Sun 2 Dec 07, 7:16 PM to Northern_Phoenix's blog.
You know I've had my share 
Ok, so this isn't the big massive 400th blog I was thinking about writing, but it's going to be equally introspective and whatnot, so there'll be no difference in that regard! And the Led Zeppelin flavoured title is inspired by Hades last night playing them twice (albeit one of them being a horrific dance mix), and being the night being something of an inspiration for the blog.
To cover the club/social side off quickly, since the blog really isn't about that, it's just a natural thing that some events are different to others, and some people like things more than others. Hades last night was really underwhelming; as I said to someone in a memo, as an 'average' club night there'd be no cause for complaint really, but Hades came with both a reputation and with expectations, and it sadly failed to live up to both for me. Yes, there are reasons, and my very brief foray into event running a couple of years ago means I know how hard things can be to organise, so I have every sympathy for those on that end of things, but on a personal enjoyment level it just didn't seem like it was worth the time, money and effort to go sadly – goodwill towards any specific event is something that has to be earned I think, and obviously as it was my first I didn't have any inbuilt ahead of time. At some point in the future, when things are more settled in a venue (be it at Hidden, or elsewhere), and things seem almost overwhelmingly positive I'll certainly give it another go, and hope that next time it DOES live up to what people say about it..... Still, I've had worse clubbing experiences, but I've had better too, and I think we all measure against what we know through experience, and what we might expect.
Anyway... Lately, there's been a fair bit of reflection about 'stuff' and 'things'. Somewhat obviously, the scene related good and bad times that really matter are all related to experiences with people, or, in some cases, lack of. Obvious touchstones are the happiness in relationships (hooray!), and the variety of crapness brought about by them ending (boo!). Not exactly new or interesting stuff though, and I've been at the point for a while now where the past is just a nice, comfortable thing in that regard – The good memories are there, the bad have been put down to experience, and life has just generally happened since. Another thing to note is that the one thing that's almost universally good in this regard are the friendship based relationships I have made within the scene; there's a handful in particular that I wouldn't trade for anything.
But the thing of interest at the minute is the time between the end of the latter relationship and now; while I don't define myself or my submission by relationship status anymore (blog on this to come in the not too distant future, since this was to be the theme of this blog), I do consider it one of the defining factors of the last 2 ½ years. Ok, so 'male sub is single for a long time' isn't news, but I'm not really wanting to whinge about it; part of the time was getting over someone, and just generally putting thoughts in order; part of it was putting pretty much all else on hold to do the education thing; part of it is almost certainly down to my being incredibly picky with what are possibly unrealistically high standards for 'a male sub'
Of course, that time hasn't been an entirely kink-free vacuum. The casual play thing happened during some of it, although that was intentionally left behind over a year ago now, but that's something that seems a bit fuzzier again now. And, perhaps more significantly, the near misses that have happened. Some of them were quite thankfully misses, others have sadly not been as near as I'd have perhaps liked, but again there's a balance there. Of course, the ultimate goal is to end up in another of those happy 'fulfilling relationship' things, but if they were that easy to end up in, and stay in, I wouldn't be writing this now, and I'd imagine IC would be a happier place in general for a lot of people!
Personally though, as this is introspection after all, what can be done to change things? Well, ultimately, nothing in a way; the right person has to appear, and of course any relationship kinda needs a mutual feeling from the another person too, and that kind of thing obviously doesn't fall out of the sky and just appear – it's a development, and the starting point is just knowing someone and getting along with them, with a dash of chemistry there too which suggests that 'more' might work. Not exactly something that can be forced, and it'd just feel like a really cynical thing to try to do it. Anything that specifically resembles 'partner hunting' always seems a bit naff.
Equally though, there are quite probably steps I could take that would help a little. Profile being listed again, changes to it, warmer wording, and things like that. Basically make myself someone who appears available to be approached so other people actually know that I am, rather than just being it. Ok, so admittedly it's more likely to slightly shift attitudes when I get in touch with others rather than generating contact in and of itself, but a step in the right direction is a step in the right direction. Of course, that suitable re-writing of a profile is a whole topic by itself, but I'll leave that for another time perhaps.
To close though, I guess one of the themes of this is that might not be readily apparent is that there is usually a balance to things if you look the right way at things, and when there's not there's quite usually a reason for it. Of course, realising that reason and acting on it are two different things, but I know which seems the harder of the two to me.
Phoenix
| 2 Dec 07, 8:12 PM purplepenny UK(WC), 7 yrs  |
That's fairly impenetrable, but I hope it means you got home safely and managed to have a more useful Sunday.
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