Posted by ColdHarbour
on Fri 16 Nov 07, 9:27 AM to ColdHarbour's blog.
I saw my friend again last night. I still have a hangover.
She said: “So how did it go?”
I said:“Life? It's been better. What's your excuse?”
She said: “No you fucking doughnut! I meant that weblog thingy I nagged you to write! How did it go?”
I said:“I owe you a beer!”
She said: “No thanks, I'm on a diet, but you can twist my arm and force a vodka down my throat, if you like — a large one if you can afford it. Ice and lemon and a dash of tonic. And see if they've got the one whatsname that Polish barmaid drinks, not the house rubbish”.
I considered pointing out that there are fewer calories in a half-pint of lager — not to mention fewer pennies in the price — but why waste energy?
She said: “So did you get many replies then?”
I said: “About the weblog? Yes a few. People were kind. They seemed to like it. It made them laugh at least and that's something. I'm happy for that!”
She said: “Told you so! I knew you'd think of something. Now all you need is for a few nice ones to giggle their little nix off and you'll be well away!”
I said: “No, not interested!”
She said: “Fuck off! What about that pretty paki-girl you had working for you. The one you kept trying to teach how to play pool. From what I heard, I don't know why the poor girl bothered wearing any!”
I said: “Any what?”
She said: “Nix! You know, knickers! Hello?!!!! Ladies undergarments? Fucking doughnut!”
I said: “Oh! She didn't!”
She said: “What?!! Sorry, I got distracted.”
I said: "Knickers!"
She said: "No, I just had an itch. What was you saying?"
I said: “Knickers! The Pakistani girl. She didn't wear any. Well, except … you know … time of the month. Why do you think I kept leaving her shots that made her lean across the pool table? Mini skirt? Noth …”
She said: “You dirty bugger! I mean, obviously I did see … not that I'm like a lez or nothing but I couldn't help having a look. I just thought she was wearing like a little black thong or something. So you mean that was her … ???”
I said: “So a double vodka and tonic was it? There's ten quid. You get it. And you can order me another pint of Guinness while you're up there.”
She said: “Cheers! So if you're not interested in getting in their nix, what do you fucking want? No wonder you're not getting none. Don't say you've gone all luvvy-fucking-duvvy on me!”
I said: “Didn't say that. And love has nothing to do with it. I'm just not interested in one-night stands with brainless bimbos. I enjoy having relationships. That's what gives the rest …. meaning!”
She said: “So what about that paki-bit then? I tried talking to her once. Couldn't get a sensible word out of her! I mean, I know she had a really nice little bod and that but, fuck me, she was thick as two short fucking planks!!”
I said:“Actually, she had an honours degree in biochemistry and, if she didn't talk, that's because she was forbidden to speak most of the time. It kept her calm! That or she was just terrified somebody would see her like that and tell her family. She was muslim. That's why I always took her to the pub to socialise. It was the one place her family wouldn't look for her!”.
She said: “So … how does it work then? This slave lark. So what? They show up, get their kit off for a bit of a whipping and a bonk and then you take them for a drink after and send them home?”
I said:“No!”
She said: “But they do get their kit off and … you know. Do things!”.
I said:“Maybe! It depends. We talk first. If they like what they hear and I think it's right for them … then we see how it goes. I'm in no hurry! They can tell me to fuck off for all I care.”
She said: “So … so if they don't tell you to fuck off, what happens then? I mean, once you get them back to your place … what do you do to them?”
I said: “None of your business! That's between them and me! Besides, it depends on them basically.”
She said: “So, what? They can like ask you to do things to them or … But I thought you was supposed to be all in charge and like telling them what to do and that.”
I said:“I am and I do. And they can ask what they like but I decide what happens, What I meant was, different people need to be treated in different ways. That's why I hate one-night stands. You have to get to know a person to know what they need, especially as what they think they need usually isn't it at all.”
She said: “So, okay … you know me pretty well. What would you do to me?”
I said: “Nothing! You're married, remember?”
She said: “No, come on! I'm interested Tell me! If I wasn't married … I mean like if I was single and said please can I be your little slavegirl or whatever, what would you do?”
I said:“I'd do what I'm going to do right now!”
She said: “What?!!! Fuck me! I didn't mean it like that! I mean … What? You mean do it here in the pub? Right now? Oh fuck! I weren't really asking you know! I just meant … I can't remember if I put clean ones on today or not! Oh bloody hell. You are joking, right? Don't look at me like that. It makes me go all funny! What you going to do?”
I said: “I'm going to take a piss, buy you another vodka as you guzzled the last one so fast, then I'm going to come back and enjoy my Guinness. Then I'm going to send you home before you get rat-arsed again; the way you were on Wednesday night!”
She said: “I wasn't … Well, I suppose I was a bit but … You going to write another weblog thingy?”
I said :“Maybe!”
She said: “Well, if you do and I'm in it again, can you say I was out with the girls on Wednesday night? That's what I told my old man.”
I said: “Okay!”
She was out with the girls on Wednesday night.
Edited Fri 16 Nov 07, 9:39 AM by ColdHarbour
