QUESTIONS FOR DOM/DOMMES AND SUBS (9)

The article will be written as if from the point of view of someone with no BDSM experience but with a desire to understand more and give a fair and balanced view of what the scene is about; it will not be judgmental and I hope will counter a general media viewpoint that BDSM-ers are weird, abusive or sick. (eg Many films equate BDSM with serial killing etc)

I hope to show a better understanding of why people love to top or bottom and what motivation and pleasure is gained from it. I am very grateful for any contributions. Please give name or pseudonym, general locations and age. (These are standard for any interview and expected in any quote.) You can email me if you don't want to post replies here [venussb@googlemail.com]

I would hope to post a final copy of the article on here – though of course we will respect anything confidential shared with us.

Please feel free to add any additional comments that may not be covered by the questions. I greatly appreciate your help.

• When were you first aware that you were interested in BDSM? • How did you go about getting into the scene? • What kind of things turn you on, excite or interest you? • Is BDSM dangerous, what safeguards are used in play scenes? • For many outsiders, BDSM looks abusive and sinister and an infringement of human rights; how would you answer people who believe it should not be allowed or made illegal? • What is involved with being a top/Dom/Domme or bottom/sub/slave? • What is the difference between a slave and a sub? • What is switching? • Do you have to be a sado-masochist to be in the scene? • The tag line is 'Safe, sane and consensual' but for vanillas, this is the last thing it looks – how would you counter that conception? • Describe a typical scene and what happens? • To what extent is sex involved in playing and how much is swinging a part of the scene? • There are many horror stories about blind dates etc and meeting strangers off the internet so what would be a safe way for someone to get involved in the scene? • What things would not be permitted or acceptable or is it just a case of anything goes?

Venus

vMaster aka Mike http://www.vmaster.me.uk/ http://www.purplepassions.org.uk/

• When were you first aware that you were interested in BDSM?

I'd been playing tie-up and getting a special tingle in my belly at the defiant bound-and-tortured hero in films since I was tiny. Maybe as young as four or five. I'd say I first knew it was called BDSM at around 13, first started researching at 17, and first properly started playing at 19.

• How did you go about getting into the scene?

I researched online, found an info site with a small forum attached (fetish-exchange), someone from IC was advertising a club on there and I went with my husband (then boyfriend).

• What kind of things turn you on, excite or interest you?

pain, power-exchange, rape fantasies, bondage. Most of the spectrum of power and pain. I'm a submissive and a masochist, although I can be a bossy little sadist when the mood strikes.

• Is BDSM dangerous, what safeguards are used in play scenes?

Well it depends what you class as dangerous. Yes you could get some bruises flogging accidentally - thus marking the body which is illegal. Breath-play (strangulation) is medically regarded as inherantly life threatening. However with bondage and flagellation there is very little risk when done properly with well made products. Safeguards generally used are first aid kits - mainly there just in case the skin is accidentally broken and antiseptic is needed to stop contamination. When it comes to bondage safety scissors are essential. Then obviously you've got the safe-words. Ours is yellow for 'stop a second I need you to do something' and red for 'get me out now'. Obviously the mental aspect is the most important and dangerous side of it. When a person submits or dominates their personality and feelings become very exposed and vulnerable. When the scene is over for many aftercare (or cuddles, 'I love you's and a hot drink) is absolutely essential.

• For many outsiders, BDSM looks abusive and sinister and an infringement of human rights; how would you answer people who believe it should not be allowed or made illegal?

People don't have a problem with using pain for kicks, the only reason society has a problem with BDSM and not boxing, rugby or extreme sport is that it's sexual. Abusive and sinister? I'd feel safer with people who understand and express their sexual urges safely than with people who keep them pent up.

• What is involved with being a top/Dom/Domme or bottom/sub/slave?

Well its up to the individual really; it's whatever that term means for them. Generally the top is the one giving the orders or dishing out the pain, and the bottom is the receiver. For me being a slave means being protected and looked after - physically and emotionally cushioned - while at the same time making life happy and easy for the other half of the equation. Life is simplified to a single purpose - making the other person happy, with clear and obvious rewards and punishments. Stress just melts away. Of course pain doesn't come into it for all BDSMers but for me it is one of the most liberating and exhilerating aspects of it.

• What is switching?

Thats another thing that varies from person to person. You might get a switch couple who love the power flicking from one person to another during one session. One of them giving the orders then the other, like one glorious competition. Then you might get a woman who feels dominant towards females and submissive towards males. Generally it means someone who enjoys playing both roles at some point.

• Do you have to be a sado-masochist to be in the scene?

Of course not. You don't have to be anything but open-minded to be 'in the scene'. Nor do you have to enjoy inflicting pain to enjoy giving orders or tying people up, or enjoy taking pain to enjoy obeying them. You get bossy masochists and submissive sadists.

• The tag line is 'Safe, sane and consensual' but for vanillas, this is the last thing it looks – how would you counter that conception?

Well obviously someone flogging another person while they beg for mercy isn't going to look too nice for the casually 'nilla observer. What they have to bear in mind is the preparation that went into the scene. How much time the couple or group put in talking about limits, what is acceptable, what isn't, safety words and all the boring bits that go into making a fantastic scene. Not to mention the time the flogger has put into mastering her/his technique to ensure the safety of the floggee.

• Describe a typical scene and what happens?

Virtually everyone you ask that question will answer 'there is no typical scene'. But obviously that doesn't really satisfy curiosity. I'd say the scene is conceived in the discussion about what it's going to involve. Obviously two (or more) people who are very used to playing together are going to already have safe words and know limits, but even then a brief chat is customary. For me a typical scene involves simple orders, bondage, sado-masochism, and, depending whether we're in a BDSM club or not, intercourse. I'll be ordered to co-operate in being tied up - sometimes soft ropes (rope bondage is a highly skilled art-form), sometimes easy leather cuffs. Then pain induced using a few percussive implements - canes, floggers, whips, paddles, and sometimes sensation like electricity (violet want, TENs unit), ice or hot wax (not scalding obviously). Then wobbly and obscenely happy and cuddly I'll get hugged and stroked until I'm back down to earth.

• To what extent is sex involved in playing and how much is swinging a part of the scene?

I've never been to a club that involves swinging, I know there are some hybrid clubs. I'd say at least half of the people in the local Cambridge scene are couples with no intention of swinging. In most of the clubs I've been to sex is non-existant. I know a lot of people who keep sex totally seperate from BDSM. However, I'd say that sex, while independant, is closely related. When my husband and I play in private sex is invariably involved.

• There are many horror stories about blind dates etc and meeting strangers off the internet so what would be a safe way for someone to get involved in the scene?

Visit the local munch. This will generally be a group who meet up in pubs to have a couple of beers and a chat with like-minded people. Go to a club with a few of them and see where it goes from there. Don't play alone with anyone until you feel totally secure with them.

• What things would not be permitted or acceptable or is it just a case of anything goes?

I assume this is referring to a club. Each club has it's own rules. Generally first among those is no breaking the law. This means no sex and no marking or cutting. General club rules involve no pestering people and no butting into scenes. If you want to ask for something from someone ask only once. Never touch someone or someones toys without express permission. The list goes one. Basically just be polite and considerate.

Compulsive devil's advocate...

Edited 13 Nov 07, 7:51 PM by MasterVilosSlave

I was always aware from a young age maybe mid teens that certain images had an effect on me, mainly anyone being tied and flogged then used sexually, wondered how it most feel to be taken without having to explain your actions....

How did you go about getting into the scene?

I advertised myself on Alt as up until the Internet I did not meet anyone who seemed to like the things I wanted.

What kind of things turn you on, excite or interest you?

Being controlled, forced sexual use, floggers, bondage oh and breast play...

Is BDSM dangerous, what safeguards are used in play scenes?

For me its always sending a check list of my hard limits, things I already have experience of, things I may like to try with discussion first, never meet first time to play, only vanilla, know who they are, contact phone numbers verified, photo and car reg number all given to a 3rd party for safe keeping. Also an agreed safe word.

For many outsiders, BDSM looks abusive and sinister and an infringement of human rights

For me its an infringement of my human rights telling me what I can or can't do, something's done by "vanilla's" are certainly more sinister then I have ever done.

How would you answer people who believe it should not be allowed or made illegal?

That what goes on in the privacy of my home, venue etc and does not infringe on others, is totally consensual with other adults is not the business of the state...

What is involved with being a top/Dom/Domme or bottom/sub/slave?

As sub for me its about having the trust in another person with my body thoughts emotions and feelings, for them to take and give pleasure as they wish, for me the fact that I am the focus of this pleasure be it punishment or pain and that I am giving pleasure to someone I want to please is very rewarding...

What is the difference between a slave and a sub?

A slave has only the limits her Master sets, a sub sets her own limits.

What is switching?

This is when a Dom/me changes to sub then back to dom/me enjoys both sides of the coin x

Do you have to be a sado-masochist to be in the scene?

No for a lot its the control, have met Doms who do not inflict pain or humiliation but do enjoy controlling the dress, sexual aspect of the relationship.

The tag line is 'Safe, sane and consensual' but for vanillas, this is the last thing it looks – how would you counter that conception?

No one should do anything that is against there nature, you take responsibility for your own safety every time you go out its no different within the scene, I have yet to meet a Dom who has forced or pushed me to have sex, yet I have met many "vanilla" men who have been very aggressive when turned down, including one who drugged me, most rapes and sexual crimes are committed by men who are "vanilla's" am not saying that there isn't a small % of sick and violent ones within the scene, but there are more on the "vanilla" side... I have been safer and given more consideration treated better by men within the scene then I ever did vanilla...

Describe a typical scene and what happens?

Can only describe my scene, always been a one to one, so I meet vanilla talk discuss our interests, then part if we wish to meet again then the rules are clearly defined, limits safe words discussed, a meeting arranged and at that time I go to them as sub, my first time, we met and he drove me to his place where he immediately ordered me to strip to my stockings, to kneel where he placed a collar around me, he then pulled me gently to my feet, stroked my hair, face and kissed me warmly tenderly and gently, his hands explored my body gently and taking time to find out what made me gasp, then he led me to the bed, next thing thrown onto bed tied face down where I experienced the whip, flogger, crop, paddle and cane, each done in a manner that was erotic, most build gently not thrash the daylights out of you, a vibrator was used and I was made to cum a lot, the pleasure I was given was an experience I will never forget, after the first night I had no markings but over the following months my tolerance was built and l got the odd bruise but the pleasure was over-whelming, they are emotions brought into a scene which don't arise in vanilla, and in over 4 yrs I have learnt so much and also enjoyed so much could never really go back to a vanilla relationship x

To what extent is sex involved in playing and how much is swinging a part of the scene?

For a lot BDSM is a form of foreplay and sex an important part, for me its essential, and also yes swinging is part of the scene for some, as it is for vanilla's but theres a lot of one - to - one relationships too..

There are many horror stories about blind dates etc and meeting strangers off the Internet so what would be a safe way for someone to get involved in the scene?

There are just as many horror stories of people going out socially and suffering horrendous attacks at the hands of people they know, just that the net is more salacious and sells papers, what people need to learn is that you have to take responsibility for your personal safety, and never going off with someone without telling a 3rd party, making sure you have all the details and that the person you are meeting can be tracked....

What things would not be permitted or acceptable or is it just a case of anything goes?

No one who can not consent!!!! No one below the age of consent, (although it has to be said most people tend to be 30+ and the younger ones find it hard to be taken seriously) nothing which would cause physical long term harm, nothing that causes emotional damage, and nothing living that can't give its written agreement......

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly....

All information here is for non-publication use only

I first understood the concept of BDSM when I was 18 and realised my active interest started when I was around 15.

I found people with similar interests in 'contact magazines' and carefully worded newspaper ads. in recent years the internet has made communication far far easier.

I enjoy the exchange of trust in BDSM scenarios, particularly bondage, sm and ds. My personal interests include pain delivery via impacts of various kinds and 'direct manipulation' (needles, clamps, clips etc), restraint via bondage (usually rope).

various aspects of BDSM can be dangerous, various people use various things to ensure safety. in scenes safewords are a common method of aiding safety but caution, experience, hygiene etc are also important.

anyone who is legally sane should be able to consent to things being done to them. as long as everyone knows what is happening, knows the limits, knows the risks and has fully consented then it ought to be legal. it looks sinister because much of it would be horrible if non-consensual. like rough sex? violent rape = rough sex - consent. BDSM is the same.

A top is the giver and the bottom is the receiver in an activity such as bondage, spanking, etc. with no power exchange per-se.

a dom (masculine) or domme (feminine) is the dominant (pretty self explanatory) in an exchange of 'power', a sub/submissive is the complimentary opposite who relinquishes power.

a master (masculine) or mistress (feminine) is the dominant (again) but to a deeper level and often longer-term exchange of power with a slave.

a submissive can preset boundaries, a slave cannot and entrusts that to their master/mistress (though a submissive or slave can 'walk' at any time (or ought to be able to)).

switching is the act of changing roles between a top/dom to a bottom/sub.

not at all, many in the BDSM scene and moreso in the fetish scene are not sadists or masochists nor sadomasochists.

it does what it says on the tin. just because I don't see the point in repeatedly hitting a little white ball with an odd shaped stick does not make me criticise golfers. clearly i do not fully appreciate golf, they do not fully appreciate BDSM. SSC is one of the 'rules' we operate by to ensure ongoing safety for everyone.

scenes vary depending on content, to generalise, the content, limits and duration of a scene are discussed and roughly planned, two people get together and a progressive journey is shared engaged in whatever activity is the subject, then the scene comes to an end and everyone regains their composure and 'winds down' in whatever way is needed. some 'aftercare' then follows which may take minutes, hours or sporadically over days (rarer) where any emotional aspects are discussed and supported if necessary, (it can be an emotional journey).

the swinging scene is separate from the BDSM and fetish scenes but it is not uncommon for things to cross-over. I rarely see what I would term 'sex' in the BDSM 'scene' and very rarely involve myself in it. BDSM is not just kinky sex for me.

get involved with communities such as IC where people communicate and also meeting people at local meetings (munch) is a good way to start and become known yourself and get to know others who are already known. dangerous predatory people are not tolerated on the scene in my experience.

personally i don't like to do or hear about any activity that in any way affects anyone who is not able to fully give informed consent. that includes shocking the general public, taking advantage of anyone, etc etc etc. beyond that, if it is Safe (no lasting damage or harm either mentally, physically or emotionally), Sane (not totally stupid or highly really risky) and Consensual (everyone directly and indirectly involved has fully made formed and intelligent consent) then go right ahead.

RACK - Risk Aware Consensual Kink, is more articulate than the more common SSC. both form my ownapproach and that of many others.

Mark
"inner peace through outer violence"
MyWebsite - MyBondage - TwistedPhotography - TwistedArts

Edited 13 Nov 07, 9:42 PM by MarkVarley

• How did you go about getting into the scene? My lover took me to our local munch, and when I felt ready, to the club.

• What kind of things turn you on, excite or interest you? rough sex, rape play, being totally dominated, knowing I am providing a service to him. Also, tying him down and beating him.

• Is BDSM dangerous, what safeguards are used in play scenes? Ours isn't dangerous at all. We use the traffic light safety word system. We discuss limits before hand. We don't do "risky" things that may take time to undo, such as elaborate bondage or sensory restrictive outfits.

• For many outsiders, BDSM looks abusive and sinister and an infringement of human rights; how would you answer people who believe it should not be allowed or made illegal? I don't tell you what to do in your bedroom. Stay out of mine. As long as no one is hurt, we must be given freedom to be ourselves.

• What is involved with being a top/Dom/Domme or bottom/sub/slave? For me, I top for his sensory experience. I sub because it feels right to me. • What is the difference between a slave and a sub? A slave is usually in a 24 hour arrangement, involving submitting to another person's will in all things. A sub is there to receive a sensation.

• What is switching? Fulfilling more than one part of BDSM. I'm one.

• Do you have to be a sado-masochist to be in the scene? NO. I'm not.

• The tag line is 'Safe, sane and consensual' but for vanillas, this is the last thing it looks – how would you counter that conception? A person on the outside looking in need only speak to a member of the scene to begin to understand. I didn't get it either, till I started asking questions.

• Describe a typical scene and what happens? For my lover and I, we start with vanilla foreplay, then we add in restraint or blindfolds, and usually some sort of sensory play, like spanking, flogging, or caning. It can revolve around roleplay. It culminates for us in sex and then lots of cuddling.

• To what extent is sex involved in playing and how much is swinging a part of the scene? We don't swing. At all. My partner and I have sex when we play because we are partners, in a real life committed relationship, like any other couple. We often have vanilla sex. Sometimes we play without sex, as one might give a back or foot rub without sex.

• There are many horror stories about blind dates etc and meeting strangers off the internet so what would be a safe way for someone to get involved in the scene? Go to the munch. Meet people in real life. Then head to clubs.

• What things would not be permitted or acceptable or is it just a case of anything goes? I have a lot of hard limits, so does my partner. Just because a person does BDSM doesn't mean we all do anything that comes to mind with eachother. Some hard limits for me are watersports, scat, blades, and some other things that aren't so obvious that come from my personal history. For one, I will not be shouted at. Some limits that are hard for me are bondage and breath play, but I am exploring them slowly. The major issue is avoiding things that trigger memories of past abuse.

"The chaperon is there to make sure no one else has any fun, but nobody chaperons the chaperon. That's why I'm so right for this job." -Jane Russell as Dorothy Shaw, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"

Before I start to answer the questions, it's worth bearing in mind that these are MY thoughts and ideas on what BDSM etc is all about (and in all honesty that is a constantly changing and evolving concept as you learn and experience more and more). It's also worth noting that people's ideas of 'definitions' or 'labels' within BDSM are as varied and diverse as the people that play within it.

I've been involved with BDSM in one form or another for over 10+ years as a Dominant/Top/Master/Daddy or whatever other label you prefer to use (though I would never claim (or want to be called) a Big Bad Dom) and for Me personally am constantly learning more and more every day, not only in terms of the physical aspects of BDSM but more the emotional and psychological aspects. I have been very lucky with the people I have met and become friends with or played with, either short term or longer term (you know who you all are!). Wonderful people all.

Anyway, on to the answers to your questions:

• When were you first aware that you were interested in BDSM?

I've always been Dominant though it took meeting someone online (Joolz . . . you know who you are!!!) to actually give it a label (BDSM) and open the doors to Me. I've always been controlling with partners/lovers etc but this was the first time that I knew some of what I was doing were things that others did and that it had a name.

• How did you go about getting into the scene?

'Officially' getting into the scene came thru chatting online and getting to know people that were already very experienced players and learning from them as much as I could, both Dominants and submissive's. I won't try to make a distinction here between Dom/Master/Top or submissive/slave/bottom etc but merely use Dom and sub as a catch-all definition. The next step was to go to a few munches to meet some of these people in real life and then to actually go to some parties/clubs/events that were specifically BDSM-oriented. Whilst doing all of this I met My first 'official' sub and things led from there.

• What kind of things turn you on, excite or interest you?

Anything and everything within the scene I guess in one form or another and to one degree or another. There are certain things that I am not interested in at all but have certainly found that things that I NEVER thought would interest or excite Me have progressively done so more and more including more 'edge' play and more 'dangerous' things including needles, fire and cutting.

• Is BDSM dangerous, what safeguards are used in play scenes?

Without being too flippant, ANYTHING can be dangerous . . . you have to assess the potential risks though and decide for yourself whether they are acceptable to you. I have always found out as much as I can about something specific I want to do or try (either researching online or more usually being trained by someone who has more specific knowledge than Myself). I always use safewords/traffic lights to one degree or another with a partner (even a long-term partner) and I would always recommend someone considering playing with a new partner to find out as much as they can about that person before committing to play with them, talking to other people within the scene and always arranging safe calls and the like. When I play with anyone, I always have a 'safety' kit on hand (specific for whatever activity I am partaking in) and have some basic first aid knowledge. For example, needle play is something that most people find 'dangerous' or distasteful or perhaps simply unacceptable. However, learning from someone much more experienced than yourself, learning proper techniques, ALWAYS using safety equipment (surgical gloves, sharps bins etc etc) can lessen those risks both to yourself and your partner considerably. As I said at the beginning though, it is down to the individual to assess any and all risks involved and to decide whether they are acceptable or not. As with everything within BDSM, TRUST is the key.

• For many outsiders, BDSM looks abusive and sinister and an infringement of human rights; how would you answer people who believe it should not be allowed or made illegal?

Quite simple . . . as long as we assume that all BDSM is SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) . . . then those people that are involved within it have made a reasoned and considered decision to take part in it. They have made a choice without being forced or coerced into it. Assuming this IS the case and that someone is not involved against their will then I don't see why any other person has the right to say that it is wrong or should not be allowed. Freedom of choice and expression is all I believe.

• What is involved with being a top/Dom/Domme or bottom/sub/slave?

This is a big question and will vary from person to person to some extent. Caring for the person you are with is a fundamental whether you are a Dom or a sub and playing within the 'rules' (SSC) is a must. It's worth remembering that a Dom/Top/Master can still be a Dom/Top/Master whether they are with a partner or not, but it is their counterpoint, the sub/bottom/slave that makes them what they truly are and the reverse is also true. A Dominant will always push His/Her sub to their limits (and perhaps a little beyond) but should also be caring for them at the same time, holding and being with them when they come down from their 'subspace' for example.

• What is the difference between a slave and a sub?

Mmmmm . . . for Me, a submissive is someone who has 'limits', things they will and will not do and, as a Dominant, I should respect these limits. A slave is someone who has (in theory) given over ALL restrictions and limits to their Master allowing that Master to do ANYTHING that He chooses to do. If the slave still has limits or restrictions then I believe that they are not truly a slave but simply a submissive. Bear in mind thought that, assuming we are all playing within SSC rules, then there are no 'true' or 'real' slaves in the purest sense of the word as at any point the sub or slave can stop play, refuse to do something, change her mind etc and the Dominant/Master can do nothing about it unless it then becomes abusive and He forces that sub or slave to do something against their will. Ultimately it is the submissive or slave or bottom that really has the control in an SSC relationship despite what most Dom's or Master's would like to think. They might give over that control temporarily to the Dom or Master but ultimately it is THEY who choose how far things go, NOT the Dom or Master. Of course a sub or slave can be MADE or FORCED to do anything against their will, but then this steps beyond being SSC and into abuse. Most don't realise this.

• What is switching?

Quite simply when a submissive chooses to become either temporarily or permanently Dominant, or vice-versa, when a Dominant chooses to become submissive for a scene or more permanently. Interestingly most people I have met in the scene are switch to one extent or another whether they know it or acknowledge it or not.

• Do you have to be a sado-masochist to be in the scene?

Not at all . . . I have met many people who are not at all sadistic or masochistic but to some extent or another enjoy the control being taken away from them temporarily or being granted control over another person temporarily.

• The tag line is 'Safe, sane and consensual' but for vanillas, this is the last thing it looks – how would you counter that conception?

As I mentioned earlier, trust is everything, as is consent . . . no one should be involved within BDSM at any level unless they have at some point or another agreed to or accepted willingly what they are doing.

• Describe a typical scene and what happens?

Scenes are too varied and diverse to be specific here. They could involve something as simple as tying another person to a bench and spanking their bottoms for a short while to amazingly long and complicated physical and emotionally involved scenes. Horses for courses as always, lol.

• To what extent is sex involved in playing and how much is swinging a part of the scene?

Sex does not HAVE to be involved directly in any play, however, even something simple like spanking someone has a sexual or erotic element to it. Play does not always have to lead onto sex directly but often can do. As for swinging, there's a big debate about this, with people saying that people that swing are not true BDSM'ers etc etc and that they are only 'playing' at BDSM simply for the sake of sexual gratification. I for one however believe that swinging and sex CAN be part of BDSM without detracting from the 'purity' of BDSM (if you can call it that). I have been involved with BDSM and Swinging for some time though I have to say that I don't normally do both at the same time, there are definite distinctions and boundaries between the two.

• There are many horror stories about blind dates etc and meeting strangers off the internet so what would be a safe way for someone to get involved in the scene?

Never meet someone without first finding out all you can about that person, either by asking direct personal questions and judging the responses or asking others within the scene. If you really want to know about a potential partner then there is no better source than that person's friends, acquaintances and previous partners. I have always believed that safe words and safe calls are essential, especially in the early days of any relationship. For those that don't know, a 'safe call' is something that the person arranging to meet someone new should set up. It is quite simple . . . tell a trusted friend EVERYTHING you can about the person you are going to meet . . . who they are, addresses, phone numbers, where and when you are going to meet them etc . . . and then arrange with your trusted friend that you will call them at a specific time, perhaps an hour after the initial scheduled meeting AND also later on in the evening and most important when you LEAVE that person to ensure that all has gone well. IF any of these calls are not made at the expected time, then that trusted friend should try to call you . . . if after a short period of time there is still no response then calls can be made to Police or other trusted people to physically go and make sure you are OK. As a Dominant I ALWAYS made sure new partners arranged these safe calls when I met with them and I also made sure I knew WHEN they were supposed to be made to ensure that none were missed and people were not alarmed. After all, a submissive can easily lose track of time when they are enjoying themselves lol.

• What things would not be permitted or acceptable or is it just a case of anything goes?

This question goes down to the individuals involved as to what is and is not acceptable for both of them and should of course have been spoken of or negotiated before any play even starts. There are certain things that I personally just will not do with a partner whether they like it or not. However, as with everything, communication with each other is one of the most important aspects of a good, healthy BDSM relationship. You have to be able to say what you want and equally important what you do NOT want to happen.

Well, this has been interesting . . . I can think of a number of other questions I would have asked of people but this covers a lot. I hope My answers at least give one more point of view about how I see things working.

Have fun, be safe.

Tatsujin

Be safe. Be well. Be happy.

• How did you go about getting into the scene? I was lucky in that my first partner was into the same things that I was so I didnt have to go looking for the scene to have a BDSM relationship. After that broke down I got on the internet and started looking for my local munches etc.

• What kind of things turn you on, excite or interest you? many things and it changes all the time, my number one is making pretty girls cry in fear, in humiliation, eventually in pain.(yeah, cliche, I know.) that and lovely shoes, and those white panties with lace trim. meep.

• Is BDSM dangerous, what safeguards are used in play scenes? BDSM can be dangerous if you dont look after youself, so, like everything else then, in a play scene one would generally have a safe word which means stop, now. For certain kinds of play its also important to know what you're doing, for example, breath play, knife play etc, in these situations the interweb and your local BDSM community can be very helpful in making sure you know what you're doing.

• For many outsiders, BDSM looks abusive and sinister and an infringement of human rights; how would you answer people who believe it should not be allowed or made illegal? I would say that we are consenting adults acting on fantasies. We do know the difference between fantasy and reality. Actually, I would probably tell them to sod off and knit vanilla cupcakes, but thats because I have little patience with people who want to tell me what I can do with another adult in my own bedroom.

• What is involved with being a top/Dom/Domme or bottom/sub/slave? well, it does exactly what it says on the tin, a top or dominant is in charge of the scene (play session, whatever you want to call it) and are pretty much going to tell the sub what to do. This is a great simplification because the dynamic and the way things work are different for everyone, just the same as regular sex.

• What is the difference between a slave and a sub? subjective as far as I can tell but I think a slave is more of a 24/7 thing (which is in real life not very practical) but this isnt my area of expertise. • What is switching? well not everyone is sub or dom all the time, sometimes they like to, er, switch it about. • Do you have to be a sado-masochist to be in the scene? Yes, or they kick you out!!! (Joke) Of course not, some people are into other elements of BDSM such as, but obviously not limited to, humiliation. There are many different ways to have a BDSM lifestyle, you just find the one thats right for you.

• The tag line is 'Safe, sane and consensual' but for vanillas, this is the last thing it looks – how would you counter that conception? give out happy S&M cookies? How something looks is not always how it is, two people having sex looks effing scary to me, presumably not to them. I tend to drop the 'sane' part, if someone doesnt agree with it, they wont see it as 'sane' as long as its safe and consensual then its ok, not your bag maybe, but ok. And please remember, a sub always has (or should always have) an out. they're not really here against their will.

• Describe a typical scene and what happens? for me, theres really no such thing as a typical scene but usually, i would have discussed sometime before hand roughly how things might go, If im topping i will prepare myself and my room as I like/need them. then, well, it all depends, i might restrain my girl, i might not, depending on what kind of play we're having, we would usually kiss during this time, just like a regular couple, goodness, i dont know how to write this without getting a bit pornographic, but, we would play, i might hurt her, i might tease her, we would sometimes but not always fuck. it isnt always about that. afterwards, i would generally praise and look after her, it can be a bit scary and heady being a sub so any criticism I would keep till the next day when we might talk about it out of scene and out of the sub/domme personas we tend to slip into.

• To what extent is sex involved in playing and how much is swinging a part of the scene? As I said, its not always all about sex. Some people on the scene like to swing, personally I dont, i like a one on one. you are not expected to be a swinger just because youre on the scene, so dont worry.

• There are many horror stories about blind dates etc and meeting strangers off the internet so what would be a safe way for someone to get involved in the scene? Go to a munch and chat to people, dont just meet with one person, have some common sense, meet in a public place before anything happens in private, etc. You dont need to rush into anything. And if it feels wrong for you, it probably is wrong for you.

• What things would not be permitted or acceptable or is it just a case of anything goes? nearly anything goes, respect your partners limits and (one would hope this goes without saying) no underage people, absolutely not.

sorry, forgot this- twiggy 22 scotland.

Edited 15 Nov 07, 12:30 AM by twiggy_the_spider

I do also have to include an age and area for each person, it is standard and expected in all interviews (just look at the papers!) so hope you don't mind - where an age or place is missing, I will create an answer - so please do not feel miffed if you end up being 45 from Milton Keynes when you are actually 26 from Burnley! lol

I also, as I mentioned, have to write it as I if am vanilla (ugh!!!) and know nothing about it all, or may find myself getting interviewed by my tutor! (Though as he has interviewed Joan Collins, Nelson Mandela etc should be honoured I guess!)

Finding interesting and fascinating people to write about is hard and so can only say again, big thanks to all who have helped!

Hugs venus (Vmaster's SB)

PS Hi Tatsujin! Glad you found questionnaire of interest. Could have included far more questions but space is a problem for any article. Glad you are having a good time in Thailand and hope you'll come and see us if back this way any time!!!

vMaster