Posted by Northern_Phoenix on Tue 13 Nov 07, 10:35 AM to Northern_Phoenix's blog.
Pretty much word for word, that's something which was said to me at my first ever munch, when I appeared as a VERY nervous first timer, and managed to squeak out about 5 words all afternoon.
But they're words that have obviously stayed with me, what with still remembering them almost four years later. At the time, although not vocalised there and then, my attitude to the statement was one of disbelief. Although not an outwardly confident person then by any stretch of the imagination, I was confident that I was self-aware enough that I was a submissive person, rather than just a meek, shy one.
So why am I referencing it now, so much later?
Well, because in a lot of ways, I AM that considerably more confident person now. Ok, so I'm still socially a bit on the awkward and shy side, particularly in groups, but other that that.... I'm confident in the things I say and do, I'm confident in the way that I say and do them, I'm confident enough to be fully independant when I need to be. Probably obvious, plain statements that the people who know me well are likely to nod along to.
But just lately I've noticed other things. As part of things here, there's an emphasis on some group work things, and by and large, people are really really nervous, both on the idea of the presentations, and if they're doing the right things for them. While I've always been, I think, someone who empathises easily, the expression of that always used to take the form of 'I know how you feel, try not to worry, it'll be fine!'
More and more though, that sympathetic feeling is giving way to actively doing something to change their feelings... Reassurances, explainations of the things I think about whatever piece of work to help them understand it better themselves, delegation of things when it's needed, and flat out taking that leadership role when everyone seems to be 'umm' and 'ahh'ing over things.
Ok, so there's a massive world of difference between confidence and dominance, and I know people who have the former in abundance, but in their relationships don't show/want to show a bit of the latter themselves. But at the same time, a lot of those traits are ones that I value in the dominant behaviour, for want of a better term, in others. So in that sense, there's a lot of food for thought in it here.
This isn't some great big 'OMG, Phoenix is on the turn!!!' blog, since the prevalent thoughts behind this all aren't exactly new ones. But it does sometimes make me play the 'what if...' game.
Phoenix
| 13 Nov 07, 11:05 AM verte UK(E), 8 yrs  |
Meh, I tend to think that the whole 'you are this way so you must therefore take THIS particular role sexually/erotically' is a load of crap.. I've been increasingly thinking that most people are made up of a mixture of dominance and submission - we do both in different scenarios. I've always been a leader in the kind of circumstances you describe, or been pushed to be so by others. Doesn't mean I have any inclination whatsoever to be dominant sexually or even emotionally in relationships. In fact, nothing makes me more uncomfortable. And any 'dom' who doesn't admit to or acknowledge any vulnerability in themselves is someone I'd stay well away from. But that's just me. | ||||
| 13 Nov 07, 11:49 AM RastaPasta 9 yrs |
I agree! I have met a few 'Doms' who are not only anything but confident, but are riddled with insecurties. I have read blogs on here where young Doms are ridiculed or patronised for lack of exprience confidence etc, and are told to wait a few years before getting involved with anyone, when I know from not only personal experience but those of sub friends who have had problems with older/maturer Doms, that age has nothing to do with confidance or the ability to Dominate someone in a D/s relationship. I'm everyone, hang your label on me. I'm everyone, paint it black and white and easy. | ||||
| 13 Nov 07, 12:15 PM DDDDom 6 yrs  |
People are drawn to self-esteem in the main but that doesn't mean any of us are any less vulnerable. Admitting that vulnerability is, paradoxically, a strength. It means you have insight into your character and you can be more adaptable and creative. If you want to go down the route of infallible megaDomness - well - I think most people see through that and it just makes people lose credibility in you as a person in the long run. All you have to do is trip up once to lose credibility so what's the point. Just be yourself and enjoy your nature. I think too many people conspire in conforming to something that just doesn't exist... I've already told you: the only way to a woman's heart is along the path of torment. I know none other as sure. | ||||
| 13 Nov 07, 1:25 PM Diablos_patience UK, 6 yrs |
An over confident Dom can be a very dangerous one indeed!
Confidence, self-esteem, arrogance, experience, long flowing hair, kilt, new rocks.... the list could go on and on of what some may consider the perfect traits for a Dominant. But whos idea is that? Only their own. We all have our own ideas about what we consider the perfect Dom. I know what hits my buttons (long flowing hair and new rocks
I do have to say though, i have met guys previously who have labeled themselves as Dom and i just wasnt picking up that vibe... i would have sucked them up and spat them out in 5 secs flat, in fact one i actually think i did Im glad that your feeling more confident in your role... and that is what is more important than being confident in life.... as long as yer know what your doing then its all good....
I wish you luck on your journey (and if you happen across any long haired, new rock wearing Doms feel free to send them my way x ~*Shame on us, Doomed from the start, May god have mercy On our dirty little hearts*~ | ||||
| 13 Nov 07, 2:16 PM SnowdropExplodes UK(TN), 7 yrs |
I'm riddled with insecurities for sure, but I call myself Dominant because I know them all and I'm aware of them all, I know them like old friends. And when you know your problems like that, they cease to control you, you have control over yourself when you encounter them instead. The ability to Dominate really depends on the chemistry between the Dom and the Sub in the relationship, and as long as that works, confidence in anything else is neither necessary nor sufficient. Ta, SnowdropExplodes | ||||
| 13 Nov 07, 3:15 PM Northern_Phoenix UK, 8 yrs |
Well, yes, really! In a way that kind of statement is contradictory to the other bad generalisation of 'you work in a high powered/high pressure job and are very dominant within that, and this is why you want to be in a relationship with no control!' Sexuality can be far too complicated a thing to be reduced into simplified categories on the basis of things like that. I guess a personal complication comes over it from the fact I have topped before, and would in theory explore that further. That said, I personally draw a pretty big distinction between dominance and topping too; in my prior experience I was very much not exerting control of any kind at all really!
Agree really really strongly here, although I'd broadly say that across the board about relationships for me in general. People who paint themselves as perfect pretty much aren't, and the people that are 'Fine. Just fine. Everything is fine!' all of the time are very very seldom telling the truth! When a man loves a woman it should be understood, | ||||
| 13 Nov 07, 3:28 PM Northern_Phoenix UK, 8 yrs |
In a way it's a catch-22 thing, and I was musing this over with a friend last night in a roundabout way. I do think there's a world of difference between thinking you are/might be dominant within relationships (I'll simplify by saying in a D/s way), and actually being that way. The distinction between theory and practice I guess. But I don't think you can really be confident in the reality of the latter without any experience in doing it, which is problematic in that so many people seem to have a preference for an experienced dominant over a newer, more uncertain one. This alone is an odd thing, since dominance and submission are things that happen within the right relationships, not as independant jigsaw pieces that automatically fit together anywhere at any time. But at the same time I can understand it to an extent, having had my fingers slightly burned in my first explorations by someone who was having their first steps into dominance (and who ran quickly back the other way!) That said, such people may actually entertain more variety than their profiles suggest, I've never even had an impulse to talk to them in the kind of way that'd mean I'd find out!
The presumption of age equalling experience, and how wrong that can be, is another rant I like to have but I'll leave it for now! When a man loves a woman it should be understood, | ||||
| 13 Nov 07, 3:54 PM Northern_Phoenix UK, 8 yrs |
The idea that dominance and submission are subjective things is a massively important one to me. On the whole, I think there's a broad view that kinda fits with the vast majorities view, but my specific ideas of the two aren't necessarily going to be the exact same as anyone elses - and that's true of us all on here to differing degrees I think. Self-labelling... To make the point in a very lazy way, the alleged nameless horde of male 'subs' who pester people on here who are basicially just looking for a quick wank/shag/anything. Men they may be, but submissive they are very likely not! Again though, ties into the idea of inter-personal relations being key really.
Strangely, while confident in my role, it's uncertainty about it after some stuff that happened earlier in the year that's making this vague questioning stuff happen really! That's something else that can happen when things go back to the theory stage when the practice stops
Thank you, I shall be sure to Phoenix When a man loves a woman it should be understood, | ||||
| 13 Nov 07, 4:37 PM PrinceCaspian UK(SE), 6 yrs |
You need confidence to do anything! One might be more confident at subbing than doming but that does not make you more or less confident in general
(in fact often you need both confidence in yourself and the person your subbing to, that's a lot of confidence to go around Just because someone may appear confident while bossing another person around in a bdsm scenario(sorry being overly flippant) does not make them a confident person. Thus I clothe my naked villainy with old odd ends taken forth from holy writ and do seem a saint when most I play the Devil! Shakespeare | ||||
| 13 Nov 07, 6:25 PM RastaPasta 9 yrs |
I'm everyone, hang your label on me. I'm everyone, paint it black and white and easy. Edited 13 Nov 07, 6:26 PM by RastaPasta |
) but im pretty sure its not going to be the same as what hits everyone elses (bloody hope not anyway!!). 
)
