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| 4 Nov 07, 2:33 PM JudyInDsGuise UK(E), 9 yrs |
Thanks for explaining! I'm not sure that I'd continue to submit to him - recent history has proved to me that it's not an easy thing to "switch off", no matter what has occured - but if I'm submitting to him, I'm submitting to all that he decides.
Edited to clarify: I mean, I'm not cherry-picking and deciding which bits I'm submitting to. Either he's my Dominant or he's my ex judy
Edited 4 Nov 07, 2:39 PM by JudyInDsGuise | ||
| 4 Nov 07, 2:44 PM Mistress_Hypatia UK, 5 yrs  |
Exactly... in a D/s relationship, where you are used to an imbalance of power, it's got to be pretty difficult to decide that your feelings of 'this isn't fair' are real and cause enough for you to end the relationship. After all, surely D/s isn't about 'fair'? Submission is submission, and that's it, right? Yeah, but a relationship is about both partners being happy, and if one partner isn't - that's not BDSM, that's abuse. Luckily, it's a free country - if a dominant screws up badly enough, and treats his submissive badly enough (which might take something pretty spectacular and prolonged), the submissive can walk. And that's where compromise comes in. As a dominant/top one gets a little more muscle when it comes to winning arguments, but one still has to be careful not to overstep the mark.
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| 4 Nov 07, 2:49 PM Soulpearl UK(M), 11 yrs |
I think that, as you touched on in your question, it depends on the nature of your relationship and on the type of play that you are doing at the time. There is obviously a difference between pushing the limits of something that a sub enjoys, and forcing them to endure something that they do not like. Both types of play can be valid in the right circumstances. Forcing a type of play that a sub finds no pleasure in, or does not like at all, or even has a strong repulsion too, can work in certain types of enslavement scenes. In these situations it is not the intention of the dom to send their sub into ecstasy, but rather to demonstrate that the sub is a slave who must comply or at least endure the punishment from which she herself gets no pleasure. This type of scene is still achieving something which the sub desires, which is to be dominated completely. The fact that the sub must reach deeper inside themselves to endure this unpleasurable situation will serve to heighten the feeling of enslavement and submission. I would add that this kind of play is more likely to be successful between partners who have a good understanding of each others' desires and have developed degree of empathy in their play together. Even then, approach with caution when playing like this for the first time. Having said all of that, if a scene is based around kinky-play (however intense), rather than a D/s dynamic, then asking a sub to endure things that they do not like is a bit pointless (imho). Both partners need to enjoy what they are doing in order for it to be pleasurable for either of them. There is always a chance that one partner can derive pleasure from pleasing the other, but in my experience this kind of play can only be sustained for so long (this also goes for doms doing things that they don't enjoy, for the sake of the sub). If you are not into something, but you persist in doing it for the sake of the other (excluding D/s), then eventually you will feel used.
Long story short, if you don't like it – say no. If you don't like it, but like not liking it, then endure it like a good little slave and remember to say thank you afterwards. Sp. ...digging below the moral high-ground. | ||
| 4 Nov 07, 2:59 PM tom_tom UK(PO), 7 yrs  |
For me, it would depend on how much I disliked the particular activity and how much the other person enjoyed it. If I really hated it, then I wouldn't do it again. But if I only disliked it and the other person really enjoyed it, then I'd be prepared to do it again (occasionally at least). Web 2.0 harnesses the stupidity of crowds as well as its wisdom. Some of the comments on YouTube make you weep for the future of humanity just for the spelling alone, never mind the obscenity and the naked hatred. | ||
| 4 Nov 07, 3:22 PM XyIabion UK, 8 yrs |
Without getting involved in the definitions and differences of D/s to topping/bottoming, this is probably a case of defining what are hard limits and what are soft limits for you. There's nothing wrong at all in periodically reviewing your limits and communicating your thoughts with your partner. If you've experienced something that you find to be morally or ethically wrong or potentially down right dangerous to you personally, for any reason, then name it as a hard limit. By doing so, the Dominant (or Top) should respect that limit and not go there again - at least until you come again to a point where you review your own limits. If however it's something that you merely disliked, and you have no ethical complaint nor any serious worries for your own safety, then you have to think carefully and compare your own dislike or discomfort against your need to provide your Dominant with pleasure by submitting to his/her will and his/her desires. Essentially, if you submit, then you submit. It's that simple, and expect any soft limits to be pushed - sometimes quite hard. Edited 4 Nov 07, 3:28 PM by XyIabion | ||
| 4 Nov 07, 3:39 PM SisterFlaminghair US, 5 yrs |
If I'm understanding your questions correctly, I'd say that you may want to identify yourself as a bottom, not a submissive. Having said that, I disagree with the school of thought that says one must give up their own ID, desires, interests, etc. to be submissive. There is quite a difference between submitting to someone else's authority and relinquishing all self-determination. I'd say that getting to know someone well and realizing that you can so consitently rely upon their decision making skills and their commitment to you and your well-being that you agree to allow that person to manage your lives together and to have the ultimate decision making authority is aware and consensual submission. But doing whatever is asked of you by another person, regardless of how it makes you feel is something altogether different. I know many define that as consensual slavery. I don't, but my definition tends to leave some people feeling insulted and is irrelevant here. The thing to remember is that, although kink may be a bone-deep inclination, the degree to which you pursue it (or don't pursue it) is a choice that you make. You don't have to follow anyone else's rules or ideology when you make that choice. You can define yourself any way you wish to within d/s. We all do it and labels are only really relevant to how we perceive ourselves and quite often have little or nothing to do with how others perceive us. | ||
| 4 Nov 07, 3:46 PM wonderer UK, 5 yrs  |
For me, part of the essence of submission would be not being allowed to choose, but letting the Dominant Partner exercise as much choice as possible (hard limits excluded). I strongly believe the category of an "acquired taste" is under recognised. A Dom(me) given suitable lattitude may bring us to enjoy something we don't expect we will enjoy. (edited for typos) Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est. Edited 4 Nov 07, 5:01 PM by wonderer | ||
| 4 Nov 07, 3:51 PM Mistress_Hypatia UK, 5 yrs |
It works the other way, too. Age-play is not something that comes naturally to me, although I can see why others enjoy it. I like being an adult, thank you. As for being a naughty schoolgirl, I don't have the mental equipment for it. I was dull at fourteen, and nothing's changed. I don't want to rewrite my schooldays. However, one person introduced me to school roleplay because he enjoys it, and I have learned to enjoy it too - but only with him. | ||
| 4 Nov 07, 3:55 PM chartreuse UK(BA), 6 yrs  |
Is this where the difference between sub and slave occurs? My perception of a slave is a person who gives up the right to all personal choice and doing exactly as they are told, no matter what - whilst still being SSC. But, the slave will have to know they can trust their dominant not to take things beyond what is a reasonable level. My perception of a sub is a person who submits in a SSC environment with agreed limits. For example: as a sub anal penetration may be a hard-limit and my dominant would respect that but, as a slave I would have no choice and would have to endure it, if that is what my dominant wanted from me. There seems to be a wide variety of the ways people perceive slavery and submission.
C x Truth is stranger than fiction. Edited 4 Nov 07, 4:05 PM by chartreuse | ||
| 4 Nov 07, 3:59 PM male2shemaid UK(SA), 4 yrs |
The BDSM Scene is now such a broad church that I doubt very much that anyone can honestly say they are into absolutely anything and everything that the Scene involves. I also imagine that someone who does become one of those subs of fiction BDSM, who is prepare to suffer any indignity, might actually be a very dull and boring individual. A non-challenge. A Dominant and sub couple once told me that BDSM is like a dark funnel - it drags you in slowly and eventually things you would never have considered doing at the outset you end up doing.
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