Posted by caprycorn on Sun 28 Oct 07, 9:52 AM to caprycorn's blog.
Or at least it could. I've peered round a door recently, and the view is definitely intoxicating. I'm not so sure that I enjoy the sensation but I appreciate more and more that it can be a potent brew.
I've always been of the submissive mould that isn't perhaps very submissive on the surface. It's a private thing between he and I. And it's also true that I'm probably too proud; that another dominant would pull those walls down by making me express vulnerabilities in public. I don't think that that would be particularly beneficial - gross understatement - which is why I'm quite glad that J would not do that. And there's that gross understatement again.
So. What am I to J? Many things, including and not restricted to his girl, his woman, his lady. Stick "his" in front of it and any noun that he chooses to append will suit.
Lucky, now she's a different barrel of monkeys altogether. Different needs, different wants, different triggers. What would exasperate or infuriate me is her desire and delight. So for some time J has been taking her down a different path, much more controlled. Call it the s.. the s.... nope sorry, can't get it out. Deep breath. Call it the slave path, if you will.
I hate that word with an instinctive and visceral reaction when it is appended to a consensual relationship. Can't explain it although I have had to try before. It just does not work for me on a thousand different levels. However for J and for lucky it does resonate. So whilst I am not so convinced about it (and there's that gross understatement thing again) I've had to appreciate both on an academic and on a reality level that it works for other people including the two adults I hold dearest.
It's a very strange sensation looking from the outside in. It's not exclusion, far from it, but it is an acknowledgement that this is so SO not for me. And it's also an acknowledgement that that is a whisper in the wind in the scheme of things between the two of them, because it IS for them and it works. And I shouldn't try to deny that or to hinder it, just because I don't find it particularly palatable. J would not deny lucky and I something that we wished to explore that he does not. In fact we've done so with his blessing. But then he is perhaps not quite so selfish as I am. Because I'm a cow at times and it takes me time to come to what can be a natural conclusion for someone who is more generous of spirit.
So I've been doing a fair chunk of thinking these days, and whilst I don't like the S word - waves at GU again - that is no reason to stick a spoke in this particular wheel. And in fact there is much I can contribute, should I so wish, and enjoy both gaining pleasure from their pleasure and, selfishly but honestly, because it gets me off too. I'm not THAT altruistic.
I went online shopping a couple of days ago, and have added some more bondage gear to our already rather large repertoire. A very attractive posture collar, as that is something that J adores, herself in such a thing. And also a head harness with a number of different gag options. The initial selection is a pipe gag and a penis gag, both of which have their benefits. Herself both loves and hates this thing already; suffice to say that a very short time of objectification and humiliation had her weak kneed, trembling and floating somwhere around cloud nine and three quarters.
And it was me that took her there.
Definitely a heady brew, although I'm still not so sure that I like the taste.
Some milder imposition last night at Nemesis but not so much as biology in the shape of vicious stomach cramps (mine) intervened. However it's already a seven course meal for thought. It is power, and as such I handle it with care. Those that know me best know why I will take pinsteps down a new path, especially one in which someone cedes control to me. I won't say that I would abuse it, because I don't believe that I would. However I have looked at a side of myself that I really don't like in my dim and distant past, and don't want for anyone else to have to see that particular face. So I'm cautious.
But oh boy I can see how it goes both wrong and right. How toxaemia can enter the soul with such power, how it can remove the props that hold most of us into a semblance of normality like driftwood in the path of a flash flood, especially should one overindulge. So I will be stepping very carefully down this road, testing myself as well as herself. Looking for false resonances and moving only at my own pace. Because to rush this and to get something like this wrong if I did... some things, no matter how potent, thrilling, exhilarating, they just aren't worth the price.
