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| mq1965 |
Some of these thoughts have been swirling round in my head for a while, and I have had a couple of previous attempts at writing them down without quite being able to get it right. Thanks to Cinammon_Tart for a comment on something else that I posted for helping these thoughts to finally crystallise into something vaguely coherent - though the fault is entirely mine if they still make no sense at all...
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Deep (and sometimes not so deep) inside ourselves, it seems, most of us don't trust ourselves. We don't believe that we are capable of making our own decisions, and getting them right. We don't believe people will like us for what and who we really are. We don't trust our own values. We are insecure, on so many levels. And this leads to so many problems. We feel the need to be part of a group, or to play a particular role, so that we can judge ourselves against a collective standard instead of against our own. As a result we feel we have to change our actions to fit in with that collective standard. The obverse side to this is that we then feel the need to judge others by those standards, and then to judge those who are different, who don't meet the collective standards. And thus tribalism and intolerance are born. Those who are different threaten the security we have built for ourselves. They threaten the idea that the standard we are measuring ourselves by is the right one. Only by denigrating those people, treating them badly, putting them down, can we maintain that security, re-assure ourselves that we are OK, we are doing the right thing. For some it goes even further – we must bully people to conform with those collective standards in order to reassure ourselves. At the widest level this breeds racism, xenophobia, homophobia and conflict. At a lesser level it breeds cliques and personal attacks on those who choose to do things in a different way from us. Why do we need these external validations? Why can we not trust in our own decisions about what works for us individually, what is the right thing to do? Why can we not accept that what is right for us is not necessarily right for other individuals? Are we so afraid of being alone? Of standing out and being different? While there are dangers in each having their own subjective morality I can't help feeling that for the most part the world would be a better place if we could all have the strength to trust in our own judgement of ourselves, without needing to make others conform to the same standards in a desperate bid to prove to ourselves that what we are doing is right. And when we can do that, perhaps we can also learn to like ourselves and to believe that others may like us as well. And to overcome those problems that such fears bring – a fear of getting involved with someone because we fear inevitable rejection, or worse a need to control a person to make sure they can't leave us, to check up on everything they do because we are convinced they must be planning to abandon us. Fear of commitment, and abuse within a relationship all seem to stem from the same roots, the same deep seated insecurity expressed in a different way. I am lucky enough to come from a secure and stable background, and I find it hard enough. I know others will find it near impossible. But I'd urge everyone who reads this to look deep inside yourself and believe in yourself. Believe that you can judge what is right for you, that you don't need to follow the dictates of others, or have them approve of your decisions for them to be right for you. Trust yourself. |
| 26 Oct 07, 8:20 AM Lady_Anna_Bradford UK(BD), 5 yrs   |
The need to be in a group and continually identify with that group is a basic survival trait that humans will never let go of. This instinctive behaviour is what has ensured our survival long before, and since, we became bipedal. Being in an in-group helped you to stay safe, keep warm and hunt and gather effectively. Being suspicious of out-groups was necessary because they may have stolen our food, our shelter, our mates. If we understand basic group psychology by identifying why we are doing what we are doing then we can eradicate some of the more negative aspects of grouping: suspicion and fear.
The past is a foreign country,
they do things differently there.
LP Hartley | ||
| 26 Oct 07, 12:46 PM Xx_pam_xX 4 yrs |
Sorry i thought this was a blog about Celery and Marmite... | ||
| 26 Oct 07, 1:21 PM mq1965 UK(DA), 8 yrs |
One of the reasons that I took a long time to write this, and that I hesitated to post it is that there are some positive aspects to group behaviour, as you point out. I do think it is possible, though, to have greater faith in your own ability to make decisions and still enjoy the benefit of being part of a group. It needs people withn a group to recognise that some individuality does not make soemone hostile to the group as a whole.
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| 26 Oct 07, 10:42 PM Lady_Anna_Bradford UK(BD), 5 yrs |
It is possible, and I agree it is a shame that more people don't have the self-esteem and self-confidence to be an individual within a group rather than be a group member who just goes with the flow. Unfortunately it is also human nature to choose the easiest option and there is a lot of anonymity in crowds. It's also easier to share any subsequent blame across a group rather than take the brunt as an individual. You would expect though that we would be at a point in our evolution that group membership wasn't so important to us anymore. It's not as if we need the rest of our group to help take down that woolly mammoth is it? We should understand that there are more similarities than there are differences with those from out-groups. We could learn a lot if we just opened our eyes, our ears and our minds to a different perspective.
The past is a foreign country,
they do things differently there.
LP Hartley | ||
| 1 Nov 07, 11:58 AM Cinnamon_Tart UK(S), 8 yrs  |
 Hard to try and get this message across. Because unless someone already knows that they CAN trust themselves and listen to themselves, you may as well have put them in a blindfold and earplugs before you say what you've just said. (sorry, had to get a bit of sensory deprivation in there....) But, on a more serious note, to do what you are trying to convince people to do here, almost is about sensory deprivation. It's about trusting oneself, alone, sitting quietly, thinking about what goes on in one's life. Don't look outside yourself, to public chat fora, to others' opinions and experiences, and views of right and wrong and acceptable. Don't seek to fit yourself into a box, a category, a name. Don't be offended when others use their limitations and blinkers to tell you what they think you are. Deep down, you can find who you are, what matters TO YOU. You don't need reference to random others. Reality tv, other peoples' lives. Of course we live in society, in groups, and of course there are convenient labels. And of course we need to conform to some extent to engage with others. But life is about learning, living, growing, evolving, having fun. And that's internal. Bestest quote i ever came across on this is is from LA Story..."little lady, let your mind go, and your body will follow." I happen to think that Ds, GOOD Ds, is all about this. It's about facilitating that internal knowledge seeking process. And I would certainly reiterate your final point. Trust yourself.
Edited because I appear unable to punctuate correctly today. And I daresay there are errors remaining.... Argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours. - Richard Bach, Illusions Edited 1 Nov 07, 12:00 PM by Cinnamon_Tart |
