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Posted by lili
on Tue 5 Nov 02, 9:28 PM to lili's blog.
This is a bit of a cheat really, since it was something i wrote a good while back (and had forgotten about.) Re-reading it brought back such a vivid recollection of how i felt then that i really didn't want to lock it away again, so here it is. Many things change, but some things change faster than others.
I certainly have (and still do to some extent) attempt to hide the truth behind an appropriate facade. Mostly, I believe, its to avoid the pain of feeling rejected. If what is rejected is only an act then the real me hasn't really suffered a rejection but if the true me gets rejected then I have to deal with that on a far more intimate level. It never fails to amaze me how easily fooled people can be by such acts. In many ways I think it's their way of protecting themselves too. I truly believe that many of the people who have fallen for one of my acts, people who know me well enough to be able to see the truth without my saying it, have done so because they hear and see what they would prefer to hear and see. Truth can be painful to more than one person.
A good example would be my mother, who often fell for the "I'm perfectly happy alone" act I put on for her. It was far less painful for her to believe that than the "I'm unhappy and vulnerable" truth that was lying behind it. I don't blame her, or anyone, for falling for such things, I think its part of human nature, unfair as that can be sometimes.
I think, in many ways, the ability to say, do and act in the most "appropriate" way comes from being sensitive (empathic?) to the needs of others in a way that many women seem to be. This empathetic nature seems to be highly developed in the many submissive women I have come across and I wonder, sometimes, which comes first? The sensitivity or the submissive nature (and all the hang ups that seem to go with it.) As for the nature of our relationship, well living with someone who was never completely fooled by so many of my "class-acts" was extremely unnerving to begin with. As time goes by my ability to hide anything, least of all the truth, is deminishing. How I deal with that has had to change too, since my old ways don't work too well with him either. This, at times, can be wonderfully comforting, since, so often, I am denied the opportunity to decide whether to hide or be open about something. However, there are still times when it leaves me feeling extremely vulnerable and I find myself desperately trying to deal with that. Sometimes it comes out as anger or frustration, sometimes it is sadness and tears.
Reactance episodes still play a part in our lives, albeit not as extreme or as frequent as they used to. All of these things don't fit well with what I wish to be, my idea of the perfect-slave least of all those used as guidelines in so many on-line and general BDSM fictional and non-fictional material. I have found more reasons to feel inadequate than encouragement in such things.
Edited Tue 5 Nov 02, 9:34 PM by lili
