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| RebelT |
on Thu 13 Sep 07, 12:02 PM to RebelT's blog.
Types of Shit.
THE GHOST SHIT.
That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the toilet.
THE CLEAN SHIT.
The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
THE WET SHIT.
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwipped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a brown stain.
THE SECOND WAVE SHIT.
It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT, or THE POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT.
The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.
THE CORN SHIT.
Self-explanatory.
THE LINCON LOG SHIT.
The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush.
THE DRINKER'S SHIT.
That is the kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of the toilet.
THE GEE, I WISH I COULD SHIT, SHIT.
It's the kind where you want to shit, but all you can do is sit on the toilet cramped, and fart a few times.
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT.
That's the kind where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways.
THE WET CHEEKS SHIT or THE POWER DUMP.
That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE QUAD SHIT.
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time, chronically burning your tender anus.
THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT.
A class all of its own.
THE OTTOMAN SHIT.
The kind where the odor of the mess creeps out of the restroom and throughout the building to make the entire building sick or near evacuation. (This has been noted to happen in several bowling alleys in the past few years especially.)
THE CROWD PLEASER.
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER.
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL.
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT.
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT.
This shit has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT.
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER.
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER.
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER.
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM SHIT.
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT.
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL.
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER.
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC SHIT.
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT.
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT.
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.
PREMEDITATED SHIT.
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
SHITZOPHERENIA.
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT.
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
THE POWER DUMP SHIT.
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT.
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT.
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE SHIT.
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT.
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT.
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT.
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT.
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
The "TURBO-CHARGER" SHIT.
You're sitting there, minding your business, so to speak, thinking everything is normal, and suddenly there is a totally unexpected, yet full and robust passing of wind, followed by more, perfectly normal shit. This typically results in a completely soaked behind.
THE FLOCK OF SEAGULLS SHIT.
You drank some very yeasty beer the night before, you're driving along the only stretch of freeway with no service station for the next 50kms, you skid to a halt when you get there, drop your pants on your way in to the trap, and there's an immediate explosion, followed by the realization that there's a new mottled wall-paper on the wall behind the bowl.
JACK THE RIPPER SHIT.
The kinda shit that rips the hair outa you ass when it comes out.
THE FRIGHTENED TURTLE SHIT.
The kinda shit that pokes its head outa your asshole and then shoots right back into your ass.
| 13 Sep 07, 12:39 PM Chrome_Bitch 8 yrs |
LMFAO! Angel{db}...... |
| 13 Sep 07, 1:31 PM dzsubguy 6 yrs |
This is a very serious piece of work, I commend you sir... all I could add is the shit that comes all the way down from your shoulders and accounts for many people having brown eyes, or the ''I didn't know you stack shit that tall, shit' Keep up the good work. |
| 13 Sep 07, 1:33 PM Blonde_Angel UK(IP), 5 yrs |
Haven't seen that in a long time thanks for reminding me of it...now to pass it on... |
| 13 Sep 07, 1:41 PM mrs_whipkick UK(CB), 8 yrs |
pmsl www.mai-inspirations.co.uk
for secret Santa gift boxes memo me
|
| 13 Sep 07, 2:01 PM MMs_lavenderblossom 8 yrs |
PMSL! Laughed out loud hysterically at some of these! Have lots of "Phantom" shits in my house... I ask the kids.. who didn't flush the chain??..all I get back is "Not me".. phantom is busy at work many times here then! Vanilla sex is like a 99 ice cream... without the flake. |
| 13 Sep 07, 3:22 PM simplicity UK(TN), 6 yrs |
LOL! Fucking hilarious, got the bloody giggles now! xxx Good girls aren't boring... they just need re-educating |
| 13 Sep 07, 5:19 PM poisonpixipup 5 yrs |
i couldnt read properly for laughing!!! thank you x toy x |
| 13 Sep 07, 9:02 PM London_Lady_L UK, 5 yrs |
LOL There's a similar one on types of farts, isn't there? Maybe someone could track it down! Amazing that the English are still so reticent about their bodily functions ... miss_sweetpea Steadfast, loyal and true. The three gifts I give to you. |
| 14 Sep 07, 12:49 PM RebelT UK(CH), 7 yrs |
The point was to make people laugh. Glad it's done it's job.
This came out a few years ago, but it has been added too since then. The latest version is a returned copy from across the pond
The Pen is mighter than the Sword.
But the Sword ends the argument quicker. |
