Posted by caprycorn on Tue 11 Sep 07, 9:57 PM to caprycorn's blog.
Interesting discussion today with someone who shall be nameless (evil twin) about the difference between dominance and sadism. About how dominance is rare and sexual sadism is not so rare. About how easy it is to mix the two up, especially in bdsm life, and how much disillusion can follow from such a mistake. And not only a mistake on the part of the submissive in the equation either - how many so-called dominants have wondered why they don't feel particularly dominant but do want to beat the crap out of their consenting partner? And that's ALL they want? It's not such an easy road to walk and I'm saying that as someone who has gotten mixed up with the two in the past.
I know, I'm fallible. Try not to fall over in surprise there. It does happen occasionally.
As does the sarcasm.
Anyway, back to the topic du jour. Sexual sadism. Mmmmmmm, I happen to be rather fond of it, I have to say, both giving and receiving. Except that there is a tiny problem with the receiving part in that J is not a sexual sadist. He enjoys many things but more from a hedonistically controlling point of view rather than getting off on pain. It's controlling the reaction that does it for him. And so he sees it as a tool and not a necessity. He's a dominant man; he isn't a sadistic man. Not too much anyway.
Me, I'm a sexual sadist. I don't see myself as particularly dominant but I do know that I get off on her pain. In fact I revel in it. Blood. Screams. Sweat. Occasional tears. Welts and bruises, yelps and squeals, nail marks and whip marks. Oh very yes.
My own fantasies - some of them are of pain inflicted. Breath control. Needles. Cuttings. Some of them are darker, of me giving and receiving way past what many would consider normal, even in this arena. Except that sadist though I am, I am crystal clear on where the line is - it's where I choose it to be. Because, in this, I do trust my own judgement on what she can take and what she can't, because I know how to read her. It's a curve that I never stop learning but I know that I'm better at it than once I was.
For me, I have some very dark fantasies of what I would liek J to do to me. Controlling breath. Pain. Black and red pain. Teeth. Blood. He twisted his fingers in my collar last night as he was fucking me, closing off my breathing. Blood thundering in my ears, scarlet pulse beats matching him thrusting deep inside me. I was relieved / disappointed that my throat was unmarked this morning. Whilst it might have taken some explaining, oh what a rush that would be, to see those marks. Dangerous, which is why he was so careful. But still, such a rush.
Again though for him it was about control. Controlling breathing, he'll dabble round the edges of that pool without going in too deep. Me, I'd go further. I have a dream of mummification over my head but then a hole cut in it so that deep gulps of air come in, ameliorating an adrenaline fuelled panic of hot suffocation. Mmmmm yes again. But that's not his thing. So it's not going to happen because that's my dark side emerging, the flip side of my sadism, and not his desire.
Sutures, that's something that she and I will explore. I have an idea of feathers on her back, her shoulders, the backs of her arms - angel wings. It's a fantasy of mine and one that we will be making reality. Oh yes.
I'm not dominant, not in the way that J is, although she sees me that way. I don't feel it although if you come at what's mine, I'll sure as hell show a protective side that isn't pleasant to anyone threatening my family. However I can give her something that J cannot - sadism to her masochism that can push her in ways she never thought she'd want to go, let alone enjoy the ride.
How many though would see me as a Dominant (capital D)? Possibly some, maybe. And if she and I and he went our separate ways, that's probably the route along which potential partners would approach me. Except how many realise that people like me are attuned to pain? And how many really really want that? I'd suggest not so many.
Evil twin has a tagline to be careful what you wish for as you might just get it. Some do, and they find it's not what they wanted after all. Anyone can dish out a beating, but a cherishing nurturing protective dominant - that's much rarer. And such men and women aren't necessarily sadistic in turn. Identifying wants and needs, it's all any of us can do to work out the optimum match for us. But for those who are in love with the idea of D/s, then giving that up for the "baser" pleasures of the flesh, well that can feel like failure. I always thought that I had to be dominant; I don't - I am what I am, a sexually submissive sadist who enjoys that particular dance to the full. That she sees me as one of her dominants is an unlooked for privilege, as well as a source of responsibility and pleasure.
