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| Emmaline |
on Thu 6 Sep 07, 10:02 PM to Emmaline's blog.
since Teh Rape.
funny how some things come back and hit you. I met my GF the day afterwards, it was the only place i could go on new years day.
I was in centenary square for new years eve, parents had dropped me off with 3 drinks (i think it was smirnoff ice...??), i met up with a group of students, having a laugh. They invited me back to their's for a continuation.
We got there, wine flowed, beer was plentiful, the coke. i dind't know what it was. i'd done speed and thought it was that, but it acted differently, i didn't think it had any effect. i was shaved. i joked that shaving was for peadophiles. i didn't realise how young i looked, i was about 6 stone, and i'm only little, i had tiny nipples, no boobs.
We went to the bedroom, i was drunk and coked out of my tiny skull, HE forced HIS cock down my throat, H forced me to clean HIS arse, to stick a finger up it, HE couldn't penetrate me, HE went and got BUTTER!!!!!! HE fuckted me. I bled for days.
i went back into the lounge where everyone was passed out drunk.
They woke in the morn and commented on the butter, and i thought they knew, but now i think they thought HE used it for a wank.
I called Andy, i went to coventry and met Claire, who i am still deeply in love with.
i was just 17.
...
so excuse me, i'm going to go hit the alcholo cos i cannot and will not cut myself.
Edited Thu 6 Sep 07, 10:10 PM by Emmaline
| 6 Sep 07, 10:33 PM Sweetiejar UK(S), 11 yrs |
An awful thing to happen. But it did and that was then and this is now. You can be a victim or you can be a survivor. You can allow this man to continue to abuse you or you can stop it now. Instead of turning to alcohol which will make you feel worse ring the rape crisis line 0800 735 0567 or the Samaritans 08457 909090 and talk it through. There are many women on here who have been raped and abused, all of us would offer a shoulder if you need it. Sweetiejar | |
| 6 Sep 07, 10:38 PM Emmaline UK(B), 7 yrs £    |
it's been so many years, i thought it wan't a problem, i thought it was done i thought it was not me. until tonight :C it jsut hit me badly about an hour or so ago and it feel like i am watching it happen to that girl cos i am not that person anymore ...Make Love, Not Toast... | |
| 6 Sep 07, 10:45 PM Praes_girl UK(WV), 5 yrs |
*sends big hugs* You don't love a woman because she is beautiful....she is beautiful because you love her. | |
| 6 Sep 07, 11:08 PM Crystal_Eyes UK, 5 yrs   |
Sending huge hugs. One day at a time. x ~ = ~ = ~ = *c* = ~ = ~ = ~ | |
| 6 Sep 07, 11:27 PM res4sub 7 yrs |
agree with that, slowly, it takes time, lots of time, more than you will ever imagine and then some, but the memories fade. look at what you have now and the friends/family that are there to help you. if you wanna talk to a stranger who wont judge and knows what youre going through, my memo box is to the left of this message Rhianne xxx only the pain will take away the hurt | |
| 6 Sep 07, 11:31 PM MsHijinx UK, 9 yrs |
Oh lovely I am so sorry.Thinking of you tonight, sending you hugs and best wishes.Keep safe.xx | |
| 7 Sep 07, 12:18 AM crimsonsky UK, 7 yrs |
I had one of those a few weeks back and I was suddenly back feeling very small and vulnerable and scared. A special friend on IC held my hand by memo at 3 in the morning and told me that I was safe now. I felt wobbly for a few days but it passed and it will for you. It's natural to feel sad for the girl you were but you're safe now sweetheart. xxx " I'm a lady and I like to do ladies things like press flowers, stroke kittens and swim in the river wearing dresses and hats" Lady Emily | |
| 7 Sep 07, 12:24 AM mini_velvet UK(EH), 6 yrs |
hey em honey. I know it is really scary and overwhelming when the flashbacks take over. it knocks you so much. but please dont let yourself slip. you are safe now. they can't hurt you anymore. you have two wonderful men who love you. lean on them. lean on your friends. go look at your beautiful children sleeping. hold on. try not to numb the feelings with booze or cutting or anything. you need to let yourself feel them. I know it is frightening but you are safe now and they cannot hurt you anymore. you have survived this far, you are much loved, don't let the past steal your future. turn to those who care, phone David, talk to Chop. now isn't then. you can get through this I promise. please hold tight.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. | |
| 7 Sep 07, 1:12 AM huntsman24 UK(BH), 9 yrs £ |
When a man reads a post like this one the need to respond is so great it hurts ,But . what can you say to help,advise,soothe? a post like this brings the girls out that have suffered simular to rally round and help and their support is of course gratefully recieved.what i suspect you need is the answers to the questions why me ? why did he do it? why are men like that etc as a man i feel so humble (prob not the right word)to read of such stress still being caused so long after an event that the man in question has probably totally forgotten about, and doesnt realise just how much he hurt you, over the last few years ive spent a long time chatting to women on very deep subjects both emotional and sexual and the closer ive got to the femail mind the more i realise that men and women are so different in their thoughts,reasoning its a wonder that any marriages survive atall, if the man concerned read your post im sure it would absolutely crucify him to see what he has done to you and the effect it has had on you and your current friends and familly,in fact im sure no man would ever want to inflict this kind of pain on any woman willfully, i dont really know why ive responded to this post and on reading this back before i press the send button it doesnt make much sense to me, but what im trying to say i think is that dont blame all men for being the same, most are extremely compassionate and would love to offer you the same comfort and support your girlfriends do but sometimes we dont quite know how to go about it without feeling we might make matters worse,take care and i sincerely hope you are eventually able to finally put this terrible memory away and have a very happy life , the fact that you read this means i did finally pluck up the courage to post it , i hope i havent opened up a new can of worms | |
| 7 Sep 07, 2:12 PM SallyCat UK, 5 yrs |
It happened to me too. I was 12 years old. Privately educated and didn't know what a man's anatomy was, let alone what men and women "do". 5 hours of hell. That's what it was. I am sure there are sordid little pictures of me on the internet somewhere. Probably videos too. I have blanked most of what happened. I do remember though a hunting knife on the bedside table. I am still petrified of anyone holding a knife in my presence. Even the ones I do trust. He left me pregnant (the gift that kept on giving!). I miscarried at 5 or 6 months. Alone. In the bathroom at home. I gave birth to a little baby boy. I wasn't allowed to tell. I can still, to this day, hear him say "if you ever tell I will hunt you down and kill you". Then I believed him. Now I don't. I don't now feel guilty for the rape. I do feel guilty for putting my dead baby wrapped up in the Telegraph in the bin. I don't feel guilty for not telling - I couldn't at the time. When I was 15 my heart went into an arythmia because I'd become so severely anorexic. I was 4stone 9 pounds. I'd hidden myself so well that no one had noticed just how thin I had become. I spent pretty much the next year in the nut house. Now, I'm overweight. But happy. The anorexia is still there, but being so overweight I feel when it's strong, I can just ride it until whatever's stressing me out so much that I can't eat eases. I can sub to the anorexia for a bit! There is life after rape. I got to the point that I thought that I had to live my life for me. Not him. I had to stop being a victim. It didn't happen overnight. I'm still learning. It still hits you. A flashback can still come out of nowhere and hit me like a trainwreck. Just ride the darkness. It will pass. Night does turn to day. Just takes some time sometimes, that's all. There are lovely huggable sweet men out there. Not everyone is a rapist. It is good to trust... but only when your gut instinct tells you it's ok. Trust it. Get counselling. It does help. My counsellor took ages to drum it into my head that it wasn't my fault. She never gave up on that. Eventually, I beleived her. There is a wonderful happy life after rape. It does leave its shadow, but there is a good life to be had. Hugs |
