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Posted by lili
on Mon 16 Apr 01, 2:36 PM to lili's blog.
I haven't written a weblog for quite a while, motivation seems to be somewhat sporadic at present. Motivation is a strange thing. I've taken it for granted for so long that, once the reality of having my motivation controlled by someone else hit home, it really does feel quite strange. Again, for me, its been one of those things that I've understood for quite some time, logically, that Tanos would gradually take enough control that he would control my motivation, but its only recently that I have come to realise what that actually does mean.
The obvious thing I thought about was obedience. I understood how he would eventually come to know enough about me that he could influence my motivation to follow orders. Enough to dictate obedience to a lesser or greater degree. What I wasn't prepared for was the dependance this fosters. The realisation of what this meant only had an impact on me while he was out of the country this last time. Suprisingly [for me anyway] I really did find it shocking. I had virtually no motivation to do anything at all and for someone who prided herself on her ability to "go it alone" for years I found myself increasingly frustrated with myself.
I managed to get myself to work and back, feed myself [jacket potatoes and pot noodles are wonderful...honest!] and keep myself reasonably clean and tidy. I tried to keep busy, just so that the days would pass more quickly, but it was all such an effort. I spent the whole of Sunday painting walls and doors that needed painting. That took motivation, yes, but I started out with the intention of painting one door and ended up painting 2 doors, skirting boards, the hallway and the bathroom walls, purely because it was too much effort to think of something else to do.
Pathetic? You bet! By the end of the week I felt totally frustrated, annoyed and quite ashamed of how pathetically dependant I was feeling. Its odd but I always seem to ease into the obvious M/s stuff, I'm prepared so well for most of it. Obedience, expectations of service, rules and rituals and all those things that, as slaves, we do different. What I never seem to be prepared for are the ways in which the dynamic of our relationship spills out, over and into all those other aspects of my life.
In many ways Tanos being away made me more vulnerable to these feelings. Things seem to be that much more intense when he's away. I guess its because I feel vulnerable and have a tendancy to look for familiar things when I feel that way [like a child who hugs the familiar old bear, tatty as it is.] I look for familiar ways of dealing with vulnerability, and those familiar ways are to act strong, to deal with things and not to ask for help. Trouble is, I don't seem to be able to do that anymore, not like I used to. Now I flounder and get frustrated with me and angry with him for making me so pathetic.
Worse than that, he comes home and puts it all right. He makes dependancy feel so familiar when he's here. Familiar, safe and secure. We talked alot when he got home. Really worked through those feelings and insecurities. He has some answers, things that will help me the next time he is away. Surrounding me with familiar things sounds good. Not just physical things but familiar routines, familiar rituals. Things I can hold on to until he gets home.
Edited Mon 16 Apr 01, 3:12 PM by lili
