Definition of a dom (11)

Prunesquallor's profile

Posted by Prunesquallor on Mon 2 Jul 07, 12:30 PM

Several recent postings have got me thinking about what it is exactly that defines a dom. Men who identify as dominant sometimes seem to worry that if they like to do a particular act, it might not be considered 'domly'.

My own feeling is that if I identify as 'dom' then whatever I do is 'domly', even if it might not seem so to someone else.

That got me thinking about what it is that makes me identify as a dom. I have already said that *because* I identify as dom, therefore whatever I do is domly. So my 'domly' identity cannot come from my behaviour.

So perhaps it comes from other people?

I have met a few doms, and a couple of them have indeed been highly charismatic and have projected an aura of strength. But by no means all of them. Most have just been ordinary blokes whom you wouldn't look at twice, and that certainly applies to me.

So my final inescapable conclusion was that the only thing that does in fact give me that identity is my relationship with my subs. It is our submissives, or our potential submissives, who make us doms.

In ordinary life, sometimes we are dominant, sometimes, unless we are the reigning monarch, we are submissive. We might take a more proactive role, and we might lead others. But that dominance such as it is, is only a small part of our life. When our boss calls us into the office, or when the parking warden issues a ticket, our dominance takes a back seat.

It is only when our submissives make us doms that we become doms. Once more, the power seems to reside with the subs.

Replies

2 Jul 07, 12:33 PM
Bbdspls
UK, 4 yrs

Prunesquallor wrote:
It is only when our submissives make us doms that we become doms. Once more, the power seems to reside with the subs.

Or maybe it's the overwhelming power & stomach-churning charisma of the Dom(me), that makes the sub become sub..... maybe.....?
pls x

absence of evidence is not evidence of absence

2 Jul 07, 12:57 PM
The_AntiSub
4 yrs my thoughts exactly!
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/weblogs/demii/6...
This message was brought to you by The bullshit Police.

2 Jul 07, 1:04 PM
Master_of_lb
UK, 20 mths

Prunesquallor wrote:
So my final inescapable conclusion was that the only thing that does in fact give me that identity is my relationship with my subs. It is our submissives, or our potential submissives, who make us doms.
Yes, I agree, but only to a point. We are certainly EMPOWERED to be Domly by our subs... but there is also something in our nature that makes us want/need to use the power given to us, to seek out those who will empower us in that way.
You can not excercise Dominance without having someone who will submit to you, so yes... power again rests with the sub (so no surprises there... ) - but that inner need and desire... to accept and use the power granted me by my sub, for mutual benefit... for me, knowing that I have that within me is (personally) why I spell my name with a Capital Letter. Even deprived of the opportunity to "do Dominance", that inner need doesn't go away. It's not something you do - it's something you are.
By that, I don't mean - as you rightly say - that we are all steely-eyed charisma factories (I know that I'm not) - but, however unassuming we may seem when taken "out of context", we all have that same need and desire - the will to overcome, to posess, to own - for however short a time - the destiny of another human being.
Moflb

If you're asking that question, you'll never understand the answer.
I would rather be scene than herd.

2 Jul 07, 1:18 PM
Buzz22
UK, 4 yrs

So without a sub, your no longer a Dominant? If that is your only thought of a measurement.
I am what I am, its me, it is my sexuality. I am being true to myself.
I however am not always dominant with everything I do in life. My boss tells me I must do somethng and so I do it, the law says I cant do something, so I dont do it. That does not make me any less of a Dominant, it just makes me a human being.
Human beings must be flexiable, they must do things that they hate and not do things that they would love to do. Thats just life unfortunatly.
What normally happens in group situation of equals is that the ones with a naturally dominant personality, there personality will break through and they will normally become leaders. Now that is my measurement of a Dominant and not that of someone being able to swing a flogger or crack a whip. Skills can be learnt by anyone, natural dominance is either something you have got or something you haven't

If I want your opinion I will beat it out of you

2 Jul 07, 1:21 PM
northernwench
UK, 3 yrs

Buzz22 wrote:
What normally happens in group situation of equals is that the ones with a naturally dominant personality, there personality will break through and they will normally become leaders. Now that is my measurement of a Dominant and not that of someone being able to swing a flogger or crack a whip.

Are you talking about a bdsm scenario particularly there? As I see myself in the criteria you describe but I am not a domme, last time I looked anyway.
Edited to add: your post might read that some submissives are submissive in all areas of their lives: many arent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=466L5dJhmUQ What happens when you lose everything..? You start again..you start all over again
Edited 2 Jul 07, 1:22 PM by northernwench

2 Jul 07, 1:22 PM
The_AntiSub
4 yrs
northernwench wrote:

Buzz22 wrote:
What normally happens in group situation of equals is that the ones with a naturally dominant personality, there personality will break through and they will normally become leaders. Now that is my measurement of a Dominant and not that of someone being able to swing a flogger or crack a whip.

Are you talking about a bdsm scenario particularly there? As I see myself in the criteria you describe but I am not a domme, last time I looked anyway.

Exactly!
This message was brought to you by The bullshit Police.

2 Jul 07, 1:31 PM
Buzz22
UK, 4 yrs

northernwench wrote:

Buzz22 wrote:
What normally happens in group situation of equals is that the ones with a naturally dominant personality, there personality will break through and they will normally become leaders. Now that is my measurement of a Dominant and not that of someone being able to swing a flogger or crack a whip.

Are you talking about a bdsm scenario particularly there? As I see myself in the criteria you describe but I am not a domme, last time I looked anyway.

I am talking about every day situations. Not just work, in which many push themselves to take control so they can earn more money, have more leisure time etc.
I understand that many subs have extremely high powered jobs and in many situations actually earn more money that there Dominant other half, but that is more of "must" rather than "choice" or natural behaviour.
This is when the yearning of release from stress or responsiblity can be so huge. To be taken care of, to be looked after for a change instead of having all the responsiblity on your shoulders.
This is just my opinion and something I could talk about for hours. My reasoning aint perfect and there will always be flaws as everybody is individual, individuals with millions of reasons of why and who they are.
If I want your opinion I will beat it out of you

2 Jul 07, 1:55 PM
northernwench
UK, 3 yrs

Buzz22 wrote:

northernwench wrote:

Buzz22 wrote:
What normally happens in group situation of equals is that the ones with a naturally dominant personality, there personality will break through and they will normally become leaders. Now that is my measurement of a Dominant and not that of someone being able to swing a flogger or crack a whip.

Are you talking about a bdsm scenario particularly there? As I see myself in the criteria you describe but I am not a domme, last time I looked anyway.

I am talking about every day situations. Not just work, in which many push themselves to take control so they can earn more money, have more leisure time etc.
I understand that many subs have extremely high powered jobs and in many situations actually earn more money that there Dominant other half, but that is more of "must" rather than "choice" or natural behaviour.
This is when the yearning of release from stress or responsiblity can be so huge. To be taken care of, to be looked after for a change instead of having all the responsiblity on your shoulders.
This is just my opinion and something I could talk about for hours. My reasoning aint perfect and there will always be flaws as everybody is individual, individuals with millions of reasons of why and who they are.
Im not being pinickity - I genuinely am interested in that thought process.
We are all human - I don't understand why any dom/me would have any less of a need to feel less stress or pressures or any of those things that you describe. I do understand that some dom/mes get a high from adopting a 'nurturing' role at times but then, so do many subs - its human nature for most of us to want to care for the ones that we love.
To me, it's the recognition that we all have Venn Diagram areas of our lives where everything overlaps that allows the freedom to indulge in power exchange in at other times - I find the notion of Ice Warrior dom/me one that I can't relate to at all.
I have a high powered, stressful job and 30 staff under me- and countless others that I micromanage on a day to day basis. There isn't a moment in the day that I wish that it were otherwise -the circumstances and managerial restrictions certainly drive me bananas, but I have worked hideously hard for fifteen years to reach the top of my tree- and I love being in control.
This spills into the age old argument of bdsm, isnt it just all about sexuality? Some say no, others yes. My sexual submissive side is a driving and potent urge, that I'm lucky enough to be able to express - but it is nothing to do with wanting to feel 'protected,nurtured' or similair sentiments- which isn't to say that for those people that do feel that, it is wrong. It's just not for me. There is a headspace I occupy a lot of the time in and out of play where I find immense comfort in the continuation of a d/s dynamic but this is more of a cementing of an existing relationship where the involved parties see each other infrequently than a need to feel my life is being managed. Plus I'm a horny cow and it gets me off, which I'm not remotely embarrassed of.
As you said, we are all individuals with our own preferences and personalities - and mine is the only experience I can draw on, but having said that most of the subs I know as friends are also movers and shakers in their own field and don't wish otherwise in their everyday lives.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=466L5dJhmUQ What happens when you lose everything..? You start again..you start all over again

2 Jul 07, 5:38 PM
lucky_1
UK, 3 yrs

northernwench wrote:
but having said that most of the subs I know as friends are also movers and shakers in their own field and don't wish otherwise in their everyday lives.

I don't mind a bit of movin' and shakin' myself, sometimes at my age it is involuntary

The more that pleasure turns into pain, the more inclined I am to stand and take it. Texas 2005

2 Jul 07, 7:11 PM
Buzz22
UK, 4 yrs

northernwench wrote:
As you said, we are all individuals with our own preferences and personalities - and mine is the only experience I can draw on, but having said that most of the subs I know as friends are also movers and shakers in their own field and don't wish otherwise in their everyday lives.

After reading that I think we actually agree
If I want your opinion I will beat it out of you

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