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Posted by lili
on Tue 28 Nov 00, 10:27 AM to lili's blog.
One of the biggest problems I had (and to a much lesser extent still do have) is coping with the very real experience of "threat to self".
I am not one of the "fragile children" so many submissives are described as. I have learned to cope and survive for most of my adult life alone. My coping mechanisms have revolved around displaying other peoples ideals.
Like most submissives, I have a deep need to be found pleasing. My worth has been wholly dependant on the feedback of others. (Something that is part nature and part nurture for me.)
I survived by instinctually learning what I needed to be to please the different people in my life. This involved a great deal of acting and a great deal of hiding the parts of me that *I* believed others wouldn't find pleasing. In effect I became apt at displaying two dimensionl characters and all the time the real me (the whole me) was locked away, safely, behind the psychological walls I have spent a lifetime building.
One of the biggest problems I have had to face in this relationship was my inability to use these defenses against Tanos. He bases the whole of our relationship on total possession (what he calls Internal Enslavement) and that involves him knowing (and ultimately controlling) the whole me.
I have seen people describe the behavioural (physical) control of their slave. I once got into a long arguement about behavioural control being the only way to enslave someone (ie if you can make them act like a slave then they are enslaved.)
There has been occasions when I have wished that Tanos did just that, I swear, taking a beating would be far easier than the psychological analysis we do sometimes during periods of reactance, but I know that the results would be shallow. I would simply learn to display compliance. I would become another two dimensional (ideal slave) character. He wouldn't possess me.
So, one of the hardest things about being enslaved is dealing with the perceived threat to self, and for a submissive who has learned to hide so well in society that threat can feel very real indeed.
Edited Wed 21 Feb 01, 9:31 AM by lili
