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| midstar |
I have just had the people down to my office to upgrade my employment law and procedure manuals. Below are some of the new legislation and laws that come out this year. YOU WILL LIKE THIS, AND IT'S TRUE
AGE DISCRIMINATION I am not allowed to ask a candidate their date of birth or age until AFTER I have given them the job. Lets be honest, there are some pretty big blood 9 year olds around these days, and they are more intelligent than most of the guys I employ. How do they expect me to find out the interviewees Age? Cut off his bloody leg and count the rings like you do on a tree? I was told I could not do that, as this would be considered as bullying!!!!!
MATERINATY Now I thought I was pretty safe on this one. I only employ men. How wrong I was. Women can now take 1 year off after having a baby (fair enough in my eyes). Her partner can now send her back to work and HE takes the year off. On hearing this, all my employees are going home tonight to get their wives, girlfriends, dogs or what ever pregnant. One of the men's girlfriend is already 7 month pregnant, he came into my office said “see you next year”. When I asked him where he thought he was going he told me He had holiday entitlement (the government has just given everyone a couple more days holiday per year), his dog had died (we will get to that in a moment), he needed time off to go to the fertility clinic to make sure he had enough sperm to KEEP his girlfriend pregnant in the future, and he needed further training on parenting which he was going to get from the guys up the pub.
He worked it out, that if he could get his girlfriend to have a baby every 10 months, he would not be in work till he was 65, and I would still owe him time off on grounds of religion (but I can't discuss that, it contravene the discrimination act).
When I asked if I could put Bromide in all the employees coffee every morning to stop them fucking, and over populating the country, I was told NO. This contravenes their human rights.
BUREVMENT Now I TRY and be a sensitive employer at times like this. I no longer ring them in the middle of the funeral and ask them where their bloody job sheets are, I wait and go to the wake. I get a free drink and they can never remember if they have done overtime or not. But now the government has decided that if an employees pet dies, they are intituled to mourning time off. Will this be determined on a scale? 4 days off if your dog dies, 3 for a cat, 2 for a budgie, 1 for a hamster, 4 hours for a goldfish and so on. Don't get me wrong, I love animals. I would be devastated if BJ died (that's BJ my horse, not BJ Big John). But were does it all end? I asked if I could sack all employees with pets, they said NO. This would be considered as unfair dismissal and the Company and I would have to pay out about £50,000.00 in compensation.
No wonder it is so hard to get a job, all us employers as scared stiff to employ. The thought of doing interviews brings me out in a cold sweat and reaching for the Valium. I would rather be whipped for a week than try and explain in sign language that the Motorway (where we do most of our work) is not the place for someone who is hard of hearing, as he could not hear the warning calls if a 10 ton lorry was about to squash him. I lay in bed worrying for over a week about that one, as the guy said he was going to take me to a tribunal on the grounds of discrimination against his disability.
So the next time you go for an interview, please take pity on the person doing the interview. The reason they have a glazed look in their eyes and an uncontrollable twitch is, THEY ARE SCARED STIFF OF YOU..
xxxxxx
| 14 Jun 07, 3:05 PM MarcusStrapp UK(CB), 7 yrs |
Yes indeedy. I recently bid for a contract from a University. We were going to get the job anyway because quite simply we are the only people that do what we do. Nevertheless, it all had to go through the correct channels, go through purchasing, out to tender. paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. We then had to contend with the university insistence on it's suppliers being equal opportunity employers. No problem I thought, after all, if the next person through the door is an ace Java hacker or can cope with heading up support I would not discriminate based on the fact that she had long legs and wore short skirts. But nooo, nooo , I had to supply the university with our equal opportunities policy document and then had to sign up and agree to abide by the terms adopted by the Uni. To avoid under representation of minorities, the next person I employ has to be black, female, disabled, retarded, lesbian. It doesn't matter that need not be any good, or know nothing about what we do, much better they know their entitlement to how many sickies thay can pull.
Well, if I can't appoint someone based in whether they are well siuited to the job, then let's just hope she's a good lay. Conventional wisdom is often more about convention than wisdom. Edited 14 Jun 07, 9:43 PM by MarcusStrapp | |
| 14 Jun 07, 3:31 PM kneeslider UK(B), 4 yrs  |
We can't keep anybody and the staff turnover is enormous, maybe it's because after they have bullshitted and lied their way in about their ability to work at height, they then have to have working at height training which simply involves being taken to the top of a crane, 120 ft ,strapping their harness to a fall descending device and TOLD TO GET OFF, down you go boy. Notice is handed in shortly after, don't they read the fucking job description ? Perhaps you could introduce something similar ? | |
| 15 Jun 07, 1:24 AM Prunesquallor UK(RG), 6 yrs |
Well, at least it's a bit different from 20 years ago, when my company gave me three days off when my wife died.
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