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Posted by lili
on Sat 30 Sep 00, 11:00 PM to lili's blog.
I thought I'd write a little about acceptance and changes, really, because I have been through some strange times because of resistance and reactance to the changes brought about by the increasing loss of authority in areas of my own life.
In the past (and on more than one occasion) I have been through a wealth of reactions and emotions. At the time I didn't really understand why. In the past Master and I have always been able to, pretty much, accurately analyse my reactons to things. Usually I could pin point a trigger and then we would be able to discuss what was going on.
More recently I became unable to do this. I had been wonderfully happy and at peace with everything in my life one minute and then seriously upset and crying the next, without there being any real trigger that I could pin point.
I had thought about it alot and it felt much the same as grieving. This really surprised me. We have always fully expected (and have dealt with) periods of resistance that involved me fighting (or defying) Masters authority, but this really did catch me unawares.
I think that it had alot to do with letting go and changing. Letting go of my old ways of reacting, my old ways of feeling. Even familiar actions or emotions. Everything seemed to have changed, somehow. As though someone had changed all the rules whilst I was sleeping. My old ways of dealing with things didn't (and still don't) work anymore, infact some of them I don't even attempt to try anymore.
I also realised just how much I am comming to rely on Tanos' consistancy and support and even this felt strange (I have never allowed myself to rely on someone else for my happiness, security, sanity etc). My need for control began to increase, not just mental but physical, to the extent that I had begun to eroticise things like breath control. (Although this need didn't involve strangulation it still scared me quite a bit).
Resistance and reactance takes some perculiar and unexpected forms, no matter how prepared you think you are it has a habit of taking you unawares. I guess that the first sign that this particular period of reactance was comming to an end was the realisation (or was it revelation) that _I_ didn't have to find a way to fix this, it was Masters' problem to solve and not mine. The feeling of relief was overwhelming.
Edited Sat 30 Sep 00, 11:45 PM by lili
