Posted by northernwench on Mon 16 Apr 07, 8:42 PM to northernwench's blog.
I've been giving my PC sideways glances all day wondering whether or not to blog about where my brain has been at this weekend. What made me decide to actually go ahead and do it I am not really sure, possibly because for once in my pig-headed life I actually want to listen to other peoples experiences in order for me to try and make sense of where my head is at right now.
I don't really mind being the self analysis Queen.Thinking too much is in my DNA, though I would like to find the 'off'switch from time to time. Thinking things through is positive, it can lead to change, it shows a willingness to adapt. Where it all goes tits up is when the self analysis consistently attempts to lead you down a path of destructive negativity where you end up looking at yourself in a mirror and wanting to look away.
The only background you need to know in order for this post to make sense is that I was in a non-kink relationship for fourteen years that ended well over a year ago. Things were bad towards the end, we had drifted,in truth we had been drifting for a long time. In many ways I think we delibarately threw the oars from the boat away; as if we wanted to attribute responibility from what we couldnt accept was happening to a once wonderful partnership to events outside our control. Of course, I now know this to be nonsense, and I understand now that it takes more than one person and one event to end a relationship.
So I was pretty surprised to find myself this weekend being hit with the same wet haddock of a thought that has plagued me for years, sometimes to a great extent, sometimes not at all. That of having two completely different mindsets about my bdsm drive, which is immense, and is growing in its intensity as I get older. One mindset is the one I embrace for 90% of the time, that of loving what it brings to my life, how I feel it 'completes' me in a way nothing else ever could, the two people who play such an important role in my life and the way it fuels my notion of life being short and embracing all the highs you can, while you can. I am the champion of celebrating diversity in every area of life; and would happily bend the ear of anyone that cared to listen about the postive aspects of pursuing a bdsm lifestyle by choice, the pleasure it brings, the happiness it has given me.
Then there is the 10% that is the sneaky bastard that creeps up when Im not looking. It basically tells me that I'm a sick fuck, that my pursuit of my own desires is a hideously selfish trait, that I was unable to sustain a non-kink relationship because of my own twisted sexuality, and that I should berate myself forever for leaving the 'decent and respectable' world behind and hurting someone in the process.
I could not have gone on in life without exploring my bdsm needs. I couldn't, it is a raw desire as primitive and necessary to me as breathing; and for most of the time I find immense comfort when surrounded by my two and friends that I made absolutely the right decision in order for me to live life as the woman I wanted to be.
Why then this self flagellation continues I have no idea. It is most definitly on the wane, but when it comes back it is a vile feeling, and causes me so much painful soul searching it is untrue. Perhaps to some degree this feeling is something that will stay with me all of my life, but I will simply learn to live with it like an annoying tic. The degree to which it slips into transient self loathing though has taken me by surprise.
On top of all this, I get the strongest notion of this emotion being massively disrespectful to the people I love in my life, as there is an element of it sounding as though I am shunning them with my doubts, when they have brought me some of the most amazing and emotional moments of my entire life. I can not imagine my life without them, and I am disappointed that having picked my life up by the bootstraps with a wonderful future to come that I can be bogged down with such self-indulgent and needlessly destructive shite.
It is transient though, and it will pass. It always does. I think at the moment distance is having an effect, obviously one of them is further away than the other, but there is something extraordinarily cathartic about time together, and when we have had a weekend I feel energised and charged with positivity about why I made the decisions that I did in life. It is a kind of verification, if that could possibly sound any more pompous, but when I have a head resting on his chest and her tits, and its a quiet Sunday evening and we're soaking up the afterthoughts of everything we have done, that is when I know that no matter what, I did the right thing.
I think at the moment, with all the effects that distance is having on all of us, that maybe is why I have been so ridiculously introspective, and why I have been unwillingly and to my own annoyance questioning my motives for every decision I have made in my life. Some of those decisions were selfish, but they had to be,nobody else is going to make those decisions for me, so if that is selfish, then it doesnt seem to have so many negative connotations after all.
Mel and I have some brilliant weekends planned, some of which Im shitting my pants with excitement about, but more to the point, she understands these odd peaks and troughs and can always shoo the 'I'm a freak' monster away with a sideways glare and a kick. To spend time with people who value what you are when you doubt if you are entitled to that perverse happiness...that is without doubt the best cure there is to root out the weeds that come through the paving stones of the brain.
Apologies for the long rant, I feel writing this down has been really useful, and it stopped me talking to the cats about it, as cuddly as they are, their take on contemporary cognitive approach to issues of sexuality is frankly absolutely pants.
| 16 Apr 07, 9:19 PM TwistedDragon 9 yrs |
Fantastic blog, and I for one know at least two people (myself and my slave) for whom this applies perfectly - the percentages may be different and do indeed change - they wax and wane - but it is important to recognise as we have that it is indeed a raw desire inside and something that left unattended (not that I could do that now) would lead to some sort of molecular meltdown (mmmm I wonder if thats how spontanious combustion comes about??)...Anyway - whichever "monster" you attribute this to, for me its my "guilt monster" for my slave its her "I'm not worthy" gene you CAN banish them with a hearty "FUCK OFF!" and get back to what you are here for :- 'having fun!' as you say - lifes too short not to!
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| 16 Apr 07, 9:23 PM candle_in_the_wind UK(RM), 5 yrs  |
I dont think of this as a "rant". We all have emotions and they can be like roller coasters. Simple things can set us off on the downward spiral, be it distance, loneliness, lack of chocolate, hormones. I often question my journey on this bdsm route. Was it a knee jerk reaction to heartache, was it something always in me? A bit of both I believe. I have enjoyed it all so far and hoping for more. At times though I am low, introspective. Is it just filling a gap I have in my life? For a long while, not wanting to take any chances and believing that all men are lying cheating bastards it suited me to have casual meets, not to share, not to grow to like anyone. I have been lucky to have met some wonderful people on here and on the scene and I have now realised that there may just be a few Princes out there not just a world full of frogs. There is still many a time that Im sad that I dont have someone of my own to spoon in bed each night, to warm my feet on, to watch TV, to play Strip Jenga, to leave love notes in their pockets. But there is also many a time when I relish the fun and friends I now have. The highs do outweigh the lows. This is part of my life now. I should not question why Im here because I am damn glad that I am. I wish you well, all three of you. xx The Gene Pool could use a little Chlorine Edited 16 Apr 07, 9:24 PM by candle_in_the_wind | |
| 16 Apr 07, 10:01 PM RosieLady UK(AB), 6 yrs |
whay a wonderful blog. I have nothing to say except to salute you. My very best wishes on your journey xx R
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| 16 Apr 07, 10:08 PM Mel_SnM UK(BA), 7 yrs |
I'm the sensible grounded boring old fart voice in all this - and I know I sometimes sound like a broken record to you (well to most people who know me actually lol) We adore you and want you to be happy, but we are all human ya know and all have wobbly moments.. the trick is to put your hand up and say - I'm HAVING a wobbly moment.Thats ok and that's what friends are for. What you are going through is perfectly normal and a reasonable reaction. People dont love people any less just because the boat wasnt rowing in the same direction. The missing them doesnt go away - you just get spooked less often and deal with it. Sometimes if lucky you can walk away with a friendship as well even if you could no longer live and share a life together. You and your ex needed different things from life and very little of it had to do with your 'need' for a level of bdsm in your life. You did your growing into adults together and what for the most part for a lovely relationship had run it's course. What your brain has also managed to forget is the shite times.. (brains are wonderful things!) Don't beat yourself up about this, it took two to tango (it always does!), one of you may have been brave enough to say enough is enough but both of you were involved in the change of direction. It life sadly and you remember the good times and chase the chance of a good friendship. Good memories never go away. I wish with all my heart that one day you find someone who fits all your needs to grow old with.. for the moment I'm afraid you are stuck with us being the very best of friends, lovers, playmates, tea drinkers and most of all - here. xxxx
Edited 16 Apr 07, 10:15 PM by Mel_SnM | |
| 16 Apr 07, 10:24 PM northernwench 7 yrs |
There isnt enough mascara in the world to replace what Ive lost through having a sniffle at these replies. Thank you x 'You might be a freak, but you're myfreak' | |
| 17 Apr 07, 10:37 AM Stanisk UK(TA), 5 yrs |
A lot of this post resonates. This part in particular. I avoided my sick fuck interests for years, with them as a shadow lurking inside me, because I simply didn't want them to be a part of me. I still wonder why I like the things I do, I've just decided I'm going to embrace them, and be happy. It's wonderful that you decided to share these thoughts. It sounds like you have found the best possible friends to see you through the 10% |
