Posted by hopespringseternal
on Wed 28 Mar 07, 8:15 PM to hopespringseternal's blog.
There's been some replies to the Invisibility post from people unable to understand my mother, and someone even took the time to memo me saying "you must have wondered what you'd done to deserve that." Yes, i wondered; through it all i wondered why she hated me, what i'd done that was so bad, and eventually i found out. I need to put it all in context though, because that day when she so clearly showed me the door was just the penultimate thing that she did. So, here's another uncomfortable wander along Memory Lane:
I grew up with mother, father and 4 sisters in a very large extended family. Although i have my very blonde moments i've always been very aware of the unspoken nature of those indefinable things that just kind of whirl around our heads. So even from a very young age i was horridly cognisant of the fact that my sisters were hugged and loved, and for some reason i wasn't.
The family had a long tradition of Sunday high tea when about a million of us would all squash into one house to share the joys found in any large family. That tradition also included the family kangaroo court, where every Sunday i was plonked into the middle of the room and mother would lead the rest of the happy bunch in pointing out all my flaws. "look at her long neck, look at her freckles, look at her glasses, lookatlookatlookat, nobody's ever going to want her, such an ugly duckling." My, those joyous family occasions, how i miss them.
Mother made no bones about telling me, and anyone else who would listen, what an embarrassment to the family i was; how they could barely bring themselves to take me out in public for fear of shame and ridicule. The best i ever got from my family was being ignored. Week in and week out for 16 years i listened to this, every night lying in bed crying and hating me.
What was the rest of the family doing while all this was going on? Aiding and abetting her. Mother ruled our household with an iron fist. She said "jump" and everyone chorused "How high mommy dearest?"
The 9 O-levels weren't good enough...."only 9?" she sneered at me. My career choice as previously outlined wasn't good enough. My friends weren't good enough. I wasn't good enough. And however hard i tried to be good enough, to be loveable, i never managed to make the grade.
So, that day when she showed me the door was a shock but not really a surprise, and although the streets were cold at least i didn't have to try and fit in there.
Anyway, so i had my time living rough, and at 18 after coming out of detox i'd got somewhere to live and soon after i found myself pregnant. Then, all of a sudden social services were falling over themselves to help me although we differed on the idea of help. Their idea was that i should have an abortion, but i digress.
I was quite lucky in the social worker who was allocated to me. He asked why i didn't go back and live at home, i told him to go and find out why she hated me. He completely surprised me by taking me at my word and doing exactly that. He turned up again a week later and informed me "The reason she hates you is because you're not hers."
Bang. Suddenly the me that i thought i was was fake. I didn't know who i was. I had no anchor, no nothing. About a week later the national press carried an article about a lad of similar age who, having suddenly been told he'd been adopted, had gone off into some trees and blown his brains out. I understood him, jeez how i felt for him. The total confusion and turmoil.
I rang "mother" and asked her why she'd never told me, why she'd left me for all that time wondering what i'd done wrong. Her reply? "I told you when you were two, you were well-adjusted."
She told social services to let her have my baby when he was born, that i was no good for anything. Social services had this theory that because i hadn't had a mother i couldn't be a mother. This gobsmacked me big time considering the only reason i hadn't had a mother was because they took me away from mine. I managed to get copies of the records, and learnt that my real mother was homeless when she was pregnant with me, and she had TB. I read in stark black and white how social services turned up at the hospital when she was knitting clothes for me and dragged me out of her arms while she screamed.
The difference between me and my real mother was only that i won. Social services did take my son after he was born; i had a fantastic solicitor and 2 years later got my son back. My mum wasn't so fortunate.
I mentioned earlier that showing me the door was the penultimate mark of her hatred towards me. The ultimate one came about 4 years later. I'd become very ill during my pregnancy, and it took them a very long time to diagnose it. By the time they did figure out what it was it had got so bad that i had to be rushed into hospital as an emergency. I held onto a semblance of consciousness until i knew i was safe at hospital, the last thing i remember is collapsing on the floor as they ran to get me to a bed. I knew nothing else until my eyes opened to find a doctor sitting beside my bed. He told me i'd been there 3 weeks. Apart from him my bed was bare, no cards, no flowers, no nothing. I asked him if anyone knew i was there. He told me that they hadn't thought i was going to live so had traced my "family" to warn them; mother's response? "We don't care if she dies."
That left me in no doubt.
Edited Thu 29 Mar 07, 7:10 PM by hopespringseternal
| 28 Mar 07, 8:39 PM Elvenkind 7 yrs |
I can so relate to your story from my own experiences. Positive thoughts, positive hugs and kisses to you. arwen xxx
a 4 foot, 11 and 3/4 inch elf. | |
| 28 Mar 07, 8:42 PM hopespringseternal 6 yrs |
Thank you xx "shake my body release my soul punish my senses lose control" | |
| 28 Mar 07, 8:47 PM candle_in_the_wind UK(RM), 5 yrs  |
Not good enough????? You are so right!! THEY WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. Wishing only good things for you. xxx The Gene Pool could use a little Chlorine | |
| 28 Mar 07, 9:04 PM MarcusStrapp UK(CB), 7 yrs |
Hope would indeed have to spring eternal to come through that. Speechess. Conventional wisdom is often more about convention than wisdom. | |
| 28 Mar 07, 9:13 PM Chloe_x UK, 5 yrs |
Not often that something prompts me to post. But I have to echo MStrapp's words. Hope must indeed, and hopefully always, spring eternal. And well done and good luck. You sound like an amazing person. Cx | |
| 28 Mar 07, 9:35 PM Kahlan UK, 6 yrs |
We can choose our friends, but we can't choose our family. K. Cats don't have owners, they have staff!! | |
| 28 Mar 07, 11:14 PM MsWhisper 8 yrs |
That made me cry, big hugs to you hun xxxx Whisper xx | |
| 28 Mar 07, 11:50 PM Valkyre UK(BS), 8 yrs |
You are alive, you won't give up, you wont roll over and die and on top of it you keep bouncing back. You are a pain in the backside my Dear. What's more, you are OUR pain in the backside!!!! You stand for all of us who just keep on going despite everything people throw at us. Sod the family, don't give them any power by hating them. They aren't worth a thought in your head. Hugs xx
It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather then lose that someone you love with your useless pride. | |
| 29 Mar 07, 6:44 AM ClassicDom UK, 5 yrs |
Call me a Dom - I'm weeping like a baby xxx | |
| 29 Mar 07, 11:33 AM hopespringseternal 6 yrs |
Indeed that's true, but they *chose* me. Back when i found out that they werent my family, and i was struggling to find some way of dealing with the huge hole that it all left in my side, i went back to social services and laid out everything they'd done to me over the years, wanting an acknowledgement that in taking me from my mum and giving me to her they had made a biiig mistake. They told me that i should be *grateful* that she chose me. It's a bizarre world full of stupid people <<shrugs>> "shake my body release my soul punish my senses lose control" |
