Power Exchange - Nature or Nurture??? (11)

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alexandraa
Posted by alexandraa on Sat 24 Mar 07, 10:29 AM

I've been thinking a lot lately about power exchange. Why I seek it and prefer it. Why, after all, would anyone choose freely to be in someone else's absolute control? It's a bit barking mad when you think about it like that. The point is you don't seek to be in anyone's control, you seek to be in the control of a particular and very special person, someone you trust to take care of your emotional well being. Someone you trust to take your utterly exposed self and protect it better than you can protect it yourself.

I was surprised when I discovered submission. It moved me from my vague faceless fantasies about random men controlling me sexually and erotically, to the reality of what a beneficial controlling relationship can be about. A deeply spiritual and profoundly satisfying relationship, on all fronts. The joy to be able to give utterly of myself without any need to protect myself is incomparable.

We all know about the abusive relationships. The bullies, the misogynists, the real life sadists, with neither thought nor interest in the masochists' feelings. Some outsiders would see our relationships as such. And indeed there are such within our community, as there are within any community. Real power exchange is so far removed from that as the moon is from the sun.

The joy for me was discovering I could sink into a secure and fulfilling relationship without the need to battle for my voice, emotions and thoughts to be heard and taken seriously. For someone to actually listen to me and analyse what I was saying, rather than to fall into their own self obsessions and assumptions. I still remain surprised today.

In any sexual relationship I had always naturally fallen into the role of the one who seeks to please. And this is where I question my submissive desires, because lately I have come to understand that my desire to please is related to some aspects of my personality that are learnt behaviour, as opposed to my own developed and preferred behaviour. Splitting hairs you might say.

The question is - Would I be a different person if I had been raised in a different way?

I would always have said no, no way, no how. This is my sexuality, my desires, my happiness. I get so much joy from submission to the right person that I can't possibly believe it is about nurture rather than nature. And yet…. in emotional relationships do I not behave submissively even when I shouldn't? Ask my friends, when they've stopped laughing they'll tell you just how dominant and controlling I can be. That reassures me that I am making reasoned and valid choices about what works for me, rather than being driven by patterns of behaviour learnt in infancy.

I think it's important to remember, the dynamic might be power exchange but the relationship is adult-adult. Not parent-child, although of course some seek that too. Again you might say I split hairs because do I not seek control and strict guidance? Like a child from a parent? Indeed I do but I expect that control and guidance to be reasoned out with me, to be given from a position of informed consent. That's where the trust and respect I give, to the dominant in my life, comes from after all.

Submission cannot be given blindly just as dominance can not be meted out randomly. You cannot give correct guidance to a submissive whose mind and behaviour patterns you don't understand. Just as you cannot give submission to a dominant whose judgement you do not trust or respect.

So yes I choose power exchange relationships. Is it nurture or nature? I don't know. But I do know, when you find that person whose control you desire, there is nothing quite like it. Do I look at it with rose tinted glasses? Maybe so. But nothing has ever given me the depth and satisfaction that mutual power exchange can provide. And the sex just seems to reach places other sex doesn't reach… and then of course there is the added spice of sado-masochism. Now we're talking….

Power exchange and sado-masochism all within the same relationship??

Sigh - heaven on earth……..

Replies

24 Mar 07, 10:47 AM
Chastiser
UK(HP), 8 yrs
Y!

alexandraa wrote:
to be given from a position of informed consent.
Sigh - heaven on earth……..

surely you dont expect it to come from here??(grin).
Mike

Let Me unchain your mind and your sexuality will follow.
www.fetbid.com the free to buyer and seller kink friendly auction site. Place ya stuff on there and support the site.

24 Mar 07, 12:18 PM
Insistor
UK, 4 yrs

alexandraa wrote:
I've been thinking a lot lately about power exchange. Why I seek it and prefer it. Why, after all, would anyone choose freely to be in someone else's absolute control? It's a bit barking mad when you think about it like that. The point is you don't seek to be in anyone's control, you seek to be in the control of a particular and very special person, someone you trust to take care of your emotional well being. Someone you trust to take your utterly exposed self and protect it better than you can protect it yourself.
I was surprised when I discovered submission. It moved me from my vague faceless fantasies about random men controlling me sexually and erotically, to the reality of what a beneficial controlling relationship can be about. A deeply spiritual and profoundly satisfying relationship, on all fronts. The joy to be able to give utterly of myself without any need to protect myself is incomparable.
We all know about the abusive relationships. The bullies, the misogynists, the real life sadists, with neither thought nor interest in the masochists' feelings. Some outsiders would see our relationships as such. And indeed there are such within our community, as there are within any community. Real power exchange is so far removed from that as the moon is from the sun.
The joy for me was discovering I could sink into a secure and fulfilling relationship without the need to battle for my voice, emotions and thoughts to be heard and taken seriously. For someone to actually listen to me and analyse what I was saying, rather than to fall into their own self obsessions and assumptions. I still remain surprised today.
In any sexual relationship I had always naturally fallen into the role of the one who seeks to please. And this is where I question my submissive desires, because lately I have come to understand that my desire to please is related to some aspects of my personality that are learnt behaviour, as opposed to my own developed and preferred behaviour. Splitting hairs you might say.
The question is - Would I be a different person if I had been raised in a different way?
I would always have said no, no way, no how. This is my sexuality, my desires, my happiness. I get so much joy from submission to the right person that I can't possibly believe it is about nurture rather than nature. And yet…. in emotional relationships do I not behave submissively even when I shouldn't? Ask my friends, when they've stopped laughing they'll tell you just how dominant and controlling I can be. That reassures me that I am making reasoned and valid choices about what works for me, rather than being driven by patterns of behaviour learnt in infancy.
I think it's important to remember, the dynamic might be power exchange but the relationship is adult-adult. Not parent-child, although of course some seek that too. Again you might say I split hairs because do I not seek control and strict guidance? Like a child from a parent? Indeed I do but I expect that control and guidance to be reasoned out with me, to be given from a position of informed consent. That's where the trust and respect I give, to the dominant in my life, comes from after all.
Submission cannot be given blindly just as dominance can not be meted out randomly. You cannot give correct guidance to a submissive whose mind and behaviour patterns you don't understand. Just as you cannot give submission to a dominant whose judgement you do not trust or respect.
So yes I choose power exchange relationships. Is it nurture or nature? I don't know. But I do know, when you find that person whose control you desire, there is nothing quite like it. Do I look at it with rose tinted glasses? Maybe so. But nothing has ever given me the depth and satisfaction that mutual power exchange can provide. And the sex just seems to reach places other sex doesn't reach… and then of course there is the added spice of sado-masochism. Now we're talking….
Power exchange and sado-masochism all within the same relationship??
Sigh - heaven on earth……..

The nature/nurture argument is very difficult perhaps impossible to resolve. Submissiveness in a D/s context can come from a natural tendency to defer to others or as a way of obtaining relief from the felt necessity to always be in control. Trust, respect and "chemistry" are all essential to the kind of unforced submission you write about. I can't personally draw a clear distinction between Dominance and submission and Sado Masochism. In any D/s relationship a Dominant's control is invariably reinforced with (at least) a little spanking or rough treatment -to the enjoyment of both partners. This blurs any such hard-and-fast distinction.
BDSM: Boring, Dumb, Sad, Motherfuckers.
"There ain't no Sanity Clause", the Marx Bros.

24 Mar 07, 12:31 PM
caprycorn
UK, 4 yrs
Y!
You know what I think about this love - yes, our parents mould us but nothing is immutable. Change is always possible, old habits can be unlearned, new habits can be learned.
I grew up knowing that to be a good girl was to avoid bad things happening. And then I learned that no matter how good I was, bad things still happened. I learned how to appease and I learned how to mutely defy too, because there was a core of me that couldn't bring myself to appease after a certain point. Nature / nurture, learned behaviour and endemic characteristics. There are some behaviours that I've had to unlearn with J, including defiance. And some that I've learned to release, including anger rather than bottling it all up. Depends on what you want, as ever.
As you say, you are submissive in some of your relationships and dominant in others. A melange, with what is appropriate to show appearing at the right time. I need security and to be able to abdicate control in my primary relationship. And that's what I have... and then all of a sudden I found another primary relationship where I'm in the driving seat much more and it still feels right.
A lot of drivel to say that I don't know the answer apart from when it feels right, it's the best feeling in the world, as you said so much better yourself
xxx
My imaginary friend thinks that you have a problem

24 Mar 07, 11:28 PM
RavenMuse
UK(CR), 2 yrs Isn't it by neccesity both nature AND nurture rather than nature OR nurture?
Doesn't each and every experience build and shape who we are, how we respond and the well of knoweldge into which we dip when considering the possible consequences of a set course of action? Nurture impacts us all.
Yet also doesn't how each experience effect us depend upon our base nature? I can certainly look at experiences I had in the dim and distant past and can clearly see that where I a more compliant, accomadating person I would have responded quite diffrently, had an entirely diffrent experience from the self same event. Isn't each experience filtered through our base nature?

25 Mar 07, 10:17 AM
alexandraa
UK(NW), 5 yrs

RavenMuse wrote:
Isn't each experience filtered through our base nature?
Yes I would have agreed with that until recently. I've started exploring some of my past with a professional and have come to understand that the experiences in the first three years of life can fundamentally affect behaviour patterns.
Things I had seen as my base nature, such as the need to be independent and self reliant from a very young age, I have now started to understand are actually a result of the type of "nurture" I received in those early years.
It's very interesting stuff, slightly scary and then makes me question all my other behaviour too. Hence the above.
Be careful what you wish for

25 Mar 07, 10:21 AM
alexandraa
UK(NW), 5 yrs

Insistor wrote:
In any D/s relationship a Dominant's control is invariably reinforced with (at least) a little spanking or rough treatment -to the enjoyment of both partners. This blurs any such hard-and-fast distinction.
That wasn't my point, and personally I know I am a masochist as well as a submissive and love both SM and power exchange. However there are plenty of Ds relationships out there without any SM in them whatsoever. If you dont enjoy SM then why have it in your relationship? Also a dominant should have no need at all to reinforce their control with SM. All adds to the fun for me, but I don't see it as necessary.
Likewise there are plenty of SM relationships out there without power exchange.
Be careful what you wish for
Edited 25 Mar 07, 10:26 AM by alexandraa

25 Mar 07, 10:22 AM
alexandraa
UK(NW), 5 yrs

Chastiser wrote:

alexandraa wrote:
to be given from a position of informed consent.
Sigh - heaven on earth……..

surely you dont expect it to come from here??(grin).
Mike

I live in hope.........

Be careful what you wish for

25 Mar 07, 10:25 AM
alexandraa
UK(NW), 5 yrs

blueshadow wrote:
What I have works for me. if you have what works for you, go with it. If in time this changes, go with what works next.

Absolutely. I just like to examine and analyse things too. I believe it is essential for personal growth and development, but appreciate sometimes you can just think about things TOO much!

Be careful what you wish for

25 Mar 07, 11:51 AM
RavenMuse
UK(CR), 2 yrs
alexandraa wrote:

RavenMuse wrote:
Isn't each experience filtered through our base nature?
Yes I would have agreed with that until recently. I've started exploring some of my past with a professional and have come to understand that the experiences in the first three years of life can fundamentally affect behaviour patterns.
Things I had seen as my base nature, such as the need to be independent and self reliant from a very young age, I have now started to understand are actually a result of the type of "nurture" I received in those early years.
It's very interesting stuff, slightly scary and then makes me question all my other behaviour too. Hence the above.

My earliest memorys are from prior to 3 years old, very controling mother (Not Dominant, she more bratted people into doing what she wanted and resorted to undermining their confidence if they resisted). Even at that age, rather than comply I used to simply lock horns and engauge in a battle of wills. Even that early My base nature wouldn't allow Me to be controlled.
I can quite see that with a slightly less stubbourn and indipendent streak I could likely have been 'shaped' by those experiences in an entirely diffrent way.... maybe even to the extent of being here today as some subby boi every bit as far on the dynamic on that side as I am now on the D side.

25 Mar 07, 5:28 PM
Nina951
UK(BL), 4 yrs

alexandraa wrote:
I would always have said no, no way, no how. This is my sexuality, my desires, my happiness. I get so much joy from submission to the right person that I can't possibly believe it is about nurture rather than nature. And yet…. in emotional relationships do I not behave submissively even when I shouldn't? Ask my friends, when they've stopped laughing they'll tell you just how dominant and controlling I can be. That reassures me that I am making reasoned and valid choices about what works for me, rather than being driven by patterns of behaviour learnt in infancy.

Isn't this what makes submission so enjoyable and also what makes it different to service or even slavery. If you are a naturally dominant personality, choosing to give control to one person you trust to make the right choices for you brings with it a wonderful sense of release.

alexandraa wrote:
Power exchange and sado-masochism all within the same relationship??
Sigh - heaven on earth……..

Much as I love having both within one relationship I agree with you that they do not have to go hand in hand. I do know of a number of relationships, some very close to me, that follow all the traditional D/s rules but the participants would never identify themselves as Dominant, submissive or part of the BDSM community in any form.
Nina x
Love who you are (and yes, it's my bum again)

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