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| firemynx_B |
on Sat 25 Oct 03, 11:44 PM to firemynx_B's blog.
I thought it was about time that I changed my name on here too. My Master chose the name a while back, and I changed it on IRC, but not here, now I feel I can change it, as I have lost that hardened 'attitude' and become something more gentle but still with a deadly playful side.
Okay, seems everyone close to me at the moment is
feeling under the weather, SF came down with the lurgy
on Tuesday, my Master has been feeling under the
weather for a few days, and I too have been suffering
somewhat, swollen glands, headache and sore throat
I usually sleep a lot more when I'm feeling ill too, a
kind of “sleep yourself better” thing. So we have all
been taking care of each other, and kind of bossing
each other into resting and taking paracetmol and such.
I think it's at times like this, you appreciate just
how much you're cared for, and cherished, I feel that
at the moment, but it kind of makes me feel vulnerable
a little bit too, because I realise just how much I
miss contact from my Master when he's not well or I'm
not. Yesterday I spent some time on the phone with
him whilst I was in bed, and felt content enough after
talking to Him to fall fast asleep. 
Yesterday I did something special for SF, I had a
photo frame with flowers around it, it's nice, and I
got it for my birthday last year. So I printed out a
nice picture of his Mistress and put it in a frame, so
he could have it near his computer all the time, it
looks great, and I was pleased with myself for doing
it. He was pleased too, and gave me a huge hug for
being thoughtful. 
I did a similar thing with my
Masters picture, so that I have his photo near my
computer too, I guess I don't really need a photo to
feel near to Him, but its nice I do have it. Within
the next few weeks, I am going to print out photos of
myself and SF, my lil sis, my brother and a few
others, and have them on the wall in the computer
room, because that is my sanctuary, that is why I have
made so much effort to turn it into how I want it of
late. 
This week has gone slowly, it's a week almost since I
seen my Master, and I feel like I'm doing cold turkey
already. Is it the play I miss? No, I don't think it
is just that actually, I miss being around Him, He
never fails to make me smile, at times he exhausts me
mentally just watching Him, he flips from one thing to
the other within seconds, he is never still, mentally
sometimes he is like a 6 year old with ADD, but SO
much fun to be around. I love talking to Him, doing
silly things with Him, and yes I love the play too, we
connect in a way I have not connected with another
before. We share things, we are in many ways not just
Dom and sub, but partners. He knows I'm not pushover
and can be relied upon to give Him the best advice in
which I think will benefit Him or those connected to
Him. I know in turn He will do the same to me, even
if it is detrimental to Him.
Next week hopefully He will come down to see me on Wednesday, providing we are both feeling better. Hopefully we will both get along to MDS too, I'm in the process of planning that, and it would be great to catch up with Lady^Red, Purple, kitty[LR] and of course velvetsteel. I met velvetsteel at the BBB before last and he's one of the few people who I could “feel”. That may not make sense to a lot, but by that I mean I could feel how he felt, could feel what he was thinking, and could almost reach out and touch his thought process. He felt it too; he knew I was watching him, weighing him up. I do remember him saying “Your not as intimidating as I thought you would be”, no I'm not, I'm just me, and I know for a long time I put on a hard image to keep people out, I've been taught I cannot live my life like that, because sooner or later, I will scare off people who could become important in my life. Luckily, my Master saw through all that, as i've said before, He knows me better than I know myself. I think our situations and relationships confuse people. How can you define something that cannot be defined though? Velvetsteel is answerable to me, yes, he is not owned by me. Not because he is not good enough, far from it, I feel to hold him back from his potential would be wrong for me, he has potential as a Dom and sub, and I have no interest in sticking a label on him to keep him from others who may become important in his life. I see myself as someone that could hold his hand and pull him back up as he stumbles along a long path. It may be along that path that he meets other people who wish him to take a rest and will feed his hunger and slake his thirst, I will watch, with care for him to start his journey yet again. As I too am taking a journey into the unknown, of many kinds. My Master is never far away to bathe my knees when I stumble and scrape them, or kiss away my tears or frustration when I try to go too fast and fall flat on my face. At the moment though, I suspect he has firmly hold of the reins. We are all taking paths that will lead us to a place we need to be. I am where I am, because I need to be.
Edited Sun 26 Oct 03, 10:14 AM by firemynx_B
