Posted by northernwench on Thu 1 Feb 07, 9:29 PM to northernwench's blog.
I have always said (or thought) I suppose, that one of IC's functions for me,was a bit of a running commentary on my bdsm 'evolving'. I don't really do much of that anymore; in fairness, when I read back over my oldest weblogs when I would catalogue experiences, sensations and moments in time, they are a world away from the grumblings about my kittens and fevered diatribes about the M6 that I tend to favour in their place.
One of the reasons for that I think; is that I don't technically feel like much of a 'newbie' any more. Also, as a threesome I have become more protective about sharing information about our relationship as it has become a great deal more intense and personal, and there are many things that I could talk about that really, I would rather keep to myself.
I think this may be the closest I will ever get to making an exception to that. Another weekend with Mel and Baz gone, and I'm acutely aware that we only have one more weekend together as a threesome before Baz disappears with work for a few months.
We had a fuck of a lot of fun at the weekend.Much dressing up and a lot of laughter. Cuddles and yawns and dog walks. I discovered a previously unknown fetish for cleaning on instruction and went awfully spacey whilst brushing the kitchen floor in a rubber maids dress. I imagine this is a side that Mel will cultivate while Baz is away!
I discovered something else about me this weekend though, a part of me which gave me no pleasure to display and even less to recollect.
I don't know if it can really be analysed in a d/s way..possibly a little, though I suspect in reality, as with most issues surrounding bdsm relationships of any ilk, the issues lie in personalities rather than assumed d/s roles. I found myself at the weekend in the hideous position of being sat beating my chest (metaphorically) and crying 'what about me?' (again metaphorically)but simultaneously hating myself for it. It all came out like a stopcock had exploded, and I could do nothing to stop it. No rational thinking, nothing could intervene, and I was a child again, with bottom lip out, shaking my head and unable to communicate.
These are the traits I deplore in others, specifically when I see submissives adopting the 'victim' role (protect me, help me, mould me, create me, pass me the fucking sick bucket my breakfast is returning).
Those two have between them shared years of bdsm experiences. It is somewhere I have never been except with them, I have no comparison, no reference library stored in my head. Despite our journey and all we have done, it was the hideous inner child that banged away on the door with a fist. I looked in the mirror at one stage and could almost see right through my own eyes and realised how the pursuit of what you deem you need can make you so blinkered to the needs of those around you, even those you love. I had a moment of such clarity that it was like watching fog clear, and in all of this I realised that there is nothing, absolutely nothing that cannot be resolved without communication if there is enough affection to bind you together when all the crying is done.
There is a time in all of our lives when we have to just let the inner voice that would seek to demoralise us carry on yapping, but if you can't shut it up, just shut the door so that you can no longer hear it. Listening to that voice this weekend against my better judgement purely because I felt vulnerable left me with the most acute self loathing which I can at least say eventually spilled over into some self realisation. Crucially..because I suddenly saw that it was everyones contribution that makes our relationship work. We all give and take in different measures and with different qualities and skills and emotions. It occured to me truly for the perhaps the first time that if we had made it thus far..anything was possible.
Some of this I have said this weekend, but perhaps not with as much insight as this. I found it hard not to do so this weekend without crying, and I didnt really want to cry any more in an attempt to talk any further. It matters little what you are in a relationship, dom, sub, anything. Everyone has to get what they need from relationships, there is no 'central force' of a person round which everyone should buzz like a bee round a flower. In a relationship of three, I think even more so. If one flower is growing above another, you need to take care to avoid the others beneath it being shaded by the petals of the tallest.
Crucially; I also realised that as much as I have utilised different language to explain this, and been keen to analyze the semantics of such a relationship in a way that moved away from conventional notions of 'love' in manner that did justice to us but didn't detract from the central core of their partnership...
..that at the end of the day, I am,like millions of other people all over the world who behave oddly for this specific reason..
I am just a woman in love.
Edited Thu 1 Feb 07, 9:49 PM by northernwench
| 1 Feb 07, 10:54 PM caprycorn 8 yrs |
Nodded right the way through this. It's hard to look your worst in the face and realise how very petulant and small one can be at times. But they love you for you, not despite you, as mine do me. And that really is something worth realising xxxxxxxxxxx My imaginary friend thinks that you have a problem |
| 1 Feb 07, 11:33 PM lucky_1 7 yrs |
Yep, the times I have felt a failure, the times I have felt that I could never live up to what they do, what they have. I could have stuck out my bottom lip a thousand times but like you I find it a deeply unattractive look. So when I feel like that now, I tend not to say anything but help myself to a hug or two and my goodness, there are plenty of those to go round. xxx The more that pleasure turns into pain, the more inclined I am to stand and take it. Texas 2005 |
