can it ever work with a 'nilla? (33)

Thankfully me Master was there, yet again, to pick up the pieces and we are trying to get back the trust I had ruined in the past.

We can never deny who we really are, what we need in our lives. To do so just brings heartache for all involved.

As time moves on add more pages untill he feels OK with taking over.

Just my thinking now await the flames.lol

Edit to add. It can work as my blog will show

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/weblogs/uktruck...

Crepes on the 4th Feb at the LAM
Lovtrix.
http://www.londonalternativemarket.com/
http://www.lovetrix.co.uk/shop/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/thepainloft/

Edited 23 Jan 07, 6:47 PM by uktrucker

"What may be seen by one,may often be dark or obscure to another."

The thing is, I spent massive amounts of time and effort trying to get my man to hurt me in bed and it slowly slowly dawned on me that it would be totally and utterly wrong for him to do that. I realised that I don't actually want him to, our relationship is not a kinky one, the end.

I miss it so much, every day, and my lack of fulfillment in the BDSM ways of things has led to me being so absent from IC. Yet, the loving, sweet and above all gentle (!) relationship I have, though it lacks in many ways, is very much worth the sacrifice and delicious kink. Ah sigh sniffle...

Shine here to us, and thou art everywhere; This bed thy centre is, these walls, thy sphere.

I don't think she's selling herself short. Ok, some vanilla guys are totally vanilla and will never be anything else, but a lot will experiment, and quite a few will find some element of bdsm they enjoy. This guy sounds promising - he's open to it, and intrigued. If there's going to be a problem, it's in the lack of communication - more important to a d/s relationship than experience in the dom, perhaps? The suggestion someone made above of sharing fantasies in an email is a great idea. If your friend can't talk about what she needs and enjoys she might well have a similar problem if she left her bf and found a dom.

If you're going to introduce someone to bdsm, you pretty much have to top from the bottom for a while. There's different ways of doing that - if you're just telling him what you want done to you, ok, that's a problem, but if you're showing him the possibilities and genuinely trying to please him, how bad is that? From experience, if he's interested, then once he knows what he's doing he'll take control.

Before people rush to shoot me down, I know that not all vanilla men will take to bdsm, and I'm not saying you can get someone to like it if it's not in them already. What I am saying is that some people have an undeveloped interest in kink which they may well not be aware of themselves, and if the rest of the relationship is good it is worth putting in the time to see if said interest is there and can be developed. I wish your friend lots of luck.

I think as others have said, the most important part in all this is that he's making the effort. To me that's someone worth being with.

I can understand why she wouldn't want to top from the bottom, but to teach him techniques of how to do things wouldn't necessarily be topping from the bottom, and if she can't tell him what she wants, then he could set up an interview scene in order to find out maybe?

(I'd actually say that it could even be put to her as being the opposite.... if he's asking her for guidance and she's not giving him the answers to his questions... hmmm)

Other things I'd suggest would be for her to get him some information on bdsm, so he can learn for himself what she might be expecting from him, or even to get him on somewhere like IC which would allow him to ask questions to other people besides her... and hopefully come up with a few suprises for her in the process.

Overall I feel that she's better off to be with the right guy even if he might not be naturally kinky, as opposed to the wrong guy even if he is the most uber kinky dom in the world.

"When what is indestructible meets what is irresistible, the female all too often wins."

Edited 24 Jan 07, 1:16 AM by Ameaner

This was my situation.

I was in a long-term relationship with house, kids and all. I only really discoverd and came out to myself about my emotional need for BDSM after we had been together for 10 years. I tried to interest my partner who agreed to explore playing the role of my Mistress but she never really understood it. We had one or two rather embarrassing scenes and then gave up. We then agreed that I could go to clubs and visit pro-dommes but that didn't work either. I resigned myself to the fact that I would never find the emotional connection I craved in a D/s relationship.

And then, two years ago, I met Mistress M at a conference. For the first time I saw a possibility of having a full relationship in which I could be completely honest about my needs, in which my need to kneel, to serve, to be submissive, to be chastised and, where necessary, to be punished would be not just tolerated but welcome.

I wish I could say that I had been brave enough to talk to my partner about the situation but I didn't. I had an affair and she found out. We are now separated and I am now at the beginning of something new with Mistress M.

I love my vanilla partner and we are still very good friends. I regret having deceived her and treated her so badly but, in the end, I couldn't suppress my nature.

Firstly three cheers to the bloke - I, for one, can only applaud his efforts and genuine desire to please his girlfriend.

Yet that said, I've seen similar situations before and ultimately there are two people here who can never be really true to what they are. One is vanilla, one is BDSM, and even if both try to accomodate the other with all the heart and will they can muster there will remain a tension between them. A lack of fulfillment and a feeling that what's happening is "not really what they need".

It seems a shame that a man who sounds to be a "class act" is never-the-less incompatible with his girlfriend, but I think he is.

Sorry.

Toak

To predict the behavior of ordinary people in advance, you only have to assume that they will always try to escape a disagreeable situation with the smallest possible expenditure of intelligence - Friedrich Nietzsche http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/Violent-Porn/http://p...

There's lots of good advice here, maybe the best I've yet seen in my limited perusal so far. The most important bits I'd say are a) maybe he isn't as 'nilla as your friend thinks but is indeed on a "journey of discovery" and b) the idea of "dieing inside" ( MissKitti's comment i think ) in an unfulfilling relationship.

I can understand how frustrating it is to top from the bottom but with zero feedback how can the BF be expected to learn what she wants? You stated she keeps quiet when it isn't good. And she won't tell him what IS good.... how is he ever going to learn her tastes?

Trust me - he's left fumbling in the dark looking for ways to indulge both their interests whilst possibly exploring his own limits and he's doing it alone - indulging her in some spanking is probably the only thing he's confident doing because experiments in anything more have resulted in zero feedback. If he really cares about her he will be more concerned with how it feels to her than how much he enjoys it himself.

You should tell your friend to communicate with him properly or get a new BF with more experience/confidence who is better suited to giving her what she wants/needs. Maybe he just "doesn't understand her lifestyle" yet. Maybe he is trying very hard to. Maybe she's built a wall and won't let him in.

Like i said, you say she won't tell him what she likes or tell him when it isn't good. That needs to change or it will never work. If your friend needs needs a certain something and wont let him know what it is or when he's got it right, it's never going to work. Time to decide how much she wants to be with him and if the kink is a deciding factor then open up or get out of the relationship.

Jhae

**edit** just noticed the comment " i think she's selling herself short". 'nuff said - if she is then she clearly needs a Dom/me more experienced and less concerned than her current BF - if being a sub is such an important part of a relationship to her and she won't help her BF grow, it's time to leave so they can both find someone else to play with before they both wither away.

Edited 24 Jan 07, 1:17 PM by Jhaerak