Balance in a Power Exchange Relationship (13)

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alexandraa
Posted by alexandraa on Wed 17 Jan 07, 8:52 PM

You see many discussions within this site about power exchange, is it 24/7 or this or that or something else entirely. It's always been a simple thing to me. Do I feel sufficient respect to submit to someone's guidance and control, or not. One or the other. No degrees of submission, no ifs and buts or maybes. Just a simple yes I respect that person and want his control or no I wouldn't trust him to make a decision about what colour toilet paper I use, never mind my emotional well being. To what degree a dominant might provide that dominance is another thing entirely.

To me it's irrelevant that decision making goes down to the minutiae. For goodness sake we all are adults and live in the modern world, we can figure out what works within our specific relationships or not. We can decide what is tedious and boring or what enervates and excites. Some dominants may well like to make a decision about the shape of pasta a submissive buys and others may simply stick to the bigger things in life. You figure it out for yourselves, but to me its all 24/7 because you don't in your blatant purchase of pasta bows make an earth shattering decision about what's good or bad for you, your dominant and your relationship. It really doesn't matter.

Or does it? Well it does of course if your dominant has stipulated the purchase of pasta bows is forbidden. It must be shells or spirals only. But then I think any relationship that sets decision making at such a low level is in fact an unhealthy and dangerous relationship. It's de-skilling and disempowering. Power exchange in my opinion can be taken too far.

It's ultimately not actually about what you do or don't do without reference to each other. It's actually about what you understand makes your dominant happy. Now that might be asking him is it shapes or tubes, or indeed it might be understanding he doesn't need to be bothered with decision making to the nth degree. You still submit with every breath, look to behave in a way that pleases him. It's as natural as breathing.

It's submissive behaviour and once you have the desire, the urge and the need to submit to a particular person there is little you will say no to. So where does the balance come from? For here is a person who can now be abused in a great many ways. You can go out to work, do a full time job, run yourself ragged shopping, cleaning, cooking washing and ironing. Keeping your home perfect, anticipating his every need, tending to his every desire, submitting to his every sadistic whim. And as a submissive you can actually do all that happily…. or can you?

In my opinion it's not sustainable without balance. I've found over time, with my various relationships, that I'm prepared to run myself into the ground for the right man. That I want to make his life perfect. I have come to understand that, as a submissive women, I need that right man to understand my behaviour and be dominant enough not to abuse it.

To me that's where the balance and indeed control comes from in a Ds relationship. Because while the submissive is multitasking herself to death in a effort to keep her dominant happy and tend his needs, the dominant is tending the submissive's needs keeping her behaviour controlled and responsible. Ensuring that she doesn't in fact run herself into the ground while he lazes happily in his armchair, tempting as that might be for him.

The understanding I have of my own submissive nature makes me very wary of actually living with a partner again. To be used and abused as a partner/carer/cleaner/whore is not on the top of my list of things to do before I die. I think there are many dominants on here who are actually extremely lazy and see dominance as the easy path to having a pampered perfect life. How nice for them.

The twist in the tail is of course that real dominance is about taking care of the submissive's well being. Nurturing, guiding and caring for that submissive in return for the selfless giving the submissive provides.

All sounds idealistic perhaps but I know from experience that it's possible and energising to have such power exchange. A very special form of relationship. I also think it's extremely rare. People are after all very selfish creatures and if a total power exchange Ds relationship is about one thing and one thing alone, it comes down to giving, not taking.

Replies

17 Jan 07, 9:09 PM
fawn4n
UK, 5 yrs Soo perfectly expressed!
xxx

17 Jan 07, 9:27 PM
Telesto
UK, 4 yrs
i think i've read this 17 times now.
not a comfortable read!

17 Jan 07, 9:41 PM
janie66
UK(G), 5 yrs

alexandraa wrote:
... Well it does of course if your dominant has stipulated the purchase of pasta bows is forbidden. It must be shells or spirals only.
i laughed at loud at this particular paragraph, reminds me about the guy who wanted to control how much washing up liquid i used.
24/7 TPE is great if you find the right balance with someone. Its absolute nightmare if it's with the wrong person!

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

17 Jan 07, 9:57 PM
Maugrim
UK, 3 yrs

alexandraa wrote:
[...] while the submissive is multitasking herself to death in a effort to keep her dominant happy and tend his needs, the dominant is tending the submissive's needs keeping her behaviour controlled and responsible. Ensuring that she doesn't in fact run herself into the ground while he lazes happily in his armchair, tempting as that might be for him.
The twist in the tail is of course that real dominance is about taking care of the submissive's well being. Nurturing, guiding and caring for that submissive in return for the selfless giving the submissive provides.
[...]I also think it's extremely rare. [...] it comes down to giving, not taking.
YES! and beautifully expressed.
- M.

17 Jan 07, 10:12 PM
Skyhook
UK(NG), 3 yrs

Have you ever thought about writing a book? And if so can I have an Autographed copy?

17 Jan 07, 10:54 PM
artemis01
UK(BS), 2 yrs

alexandraa wrote:
...sufficient respect to submit to someone's guidance and control...
...I think there are many dominants on here who are actually extremely lazy and see dominance as the easy path to having a pampered perfect life. How nice for them.... it comes down to giving, not taking....
A true Dom/Domme does not demand submission. They earn it. Real submission will only be given if a sub trusts and respects his/her Dom/Domme. Any other sort of power exchange is abusive.
A very good Domme friend once said to me that to be a good Dom/Domme takes a lot of work, both mental and physical and that the sub has the far easier position! Being a Dom is not about sitting on your arse and being waited on! Additionally being a sub is not waiting on your Dom, hand and foot...that's role play!
Anyone in a relationship, whether D/s or vanilla, should not be thinking of what they can take from that relationship but what they can give to it.
artemis xxx

18 Jan 07, 12:01 AM
barryblake
UK, 3 yrs

Maugrim wrote:

alexandraa wrote:
[...] while the submissive is multitasking herself to death in a effort to keep her dominant happy and tend his needs, the dominant is tending the submissive's needs keeping her behaviour controlled and responsible. Ensuring that she doesn't in fact run herself into the ground while he lazes happily in his armchair, tempting as that might be for him.
The twist in the tail is of course that real dominance is about taking care of the submissive's well being. Nurturing, guiding and caring for that submissive in return for the selfless giving the submissive provides.
[...]I also think it's extremely rare. [...] it comes down to giving, not taking.
Crack on, and wonderfully expressed.
BB

18 Jan 07, 12:46 AM
RavenMuse
UK(CR), 2 yrs
alexandraa wrote:
The twist in the tail is of course that real dominance is about taking care of the submissive's well being. Nurturing, guiding and caring for that submissive in return for the selfless giving the submissive provides.
Not a twist from here, but rather something I acknowledge up front, something from this side that, as you refered to your submission as..... is as natural as breathing.
Very well written dear

18 Jan 07, 8:15 AM
lucky_1
UK, 3 yrs
Fabbie!
As you say, it IS as natural as breathing. I think that is where I have almost misunderstood it in the past. How conscious are we of breathing and sometimes I wanted to feel it more.
It is a natural state of being though and so well expressed.
The more that pleasure turns into pain, the more inclined I am to stand and take it. Texas 2005

18 Jan 07, 8:24 AM
colbeh
UK, 4 yrs

Extemely well written and to the point as usual but there again you and I have discussed this issue many times. I particularly like your point about the laziness of Dominants. Often of course is a mental rather than physical laziness and an inability to recognise that all relationships need to be worked on and nurtured. This is no less important in D/s relationships-even more so in fact given that it is relatively easy for the Dominant to assume that compliance with his wishes is sypmtomatic of an unquestioning submissive.
More power to your writing elbow

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