Posted by cerrynn1 on Fri 29 Dec 06, 6:49 PM to cerrynn1's blog.
No, I'm not going Domme. No, I'm not even going switch. I know full well that deep down, as far as my own psychological/sexual wiring is concerned, I am a submissive (and a pretty darned happy and contented one at that).
Paradoxically, since discovering that I am a submissive five years ago, I have become increasingly assertive with others. These days, I am inclined to say (when people ask) that I submit to Matou and to no one else (well, and also to a couple of *very* close friends when I play with them, for the duration of the scene). And increasingly I have been tempted to borrow a line from another very close friend who, when asked, sometimes says "Just treat me as dom and we'll get along a whole lot better."
Quite possibly it is this growing self-confidence and ability to assert myself that has led to my latest New Interest in BDSM. I have felt myself developing ... as a Top. I've occasionally co-topped with Matou over the past years, and whilst I still classify myself as a learning/beginner top, I think I am getting better (need more practice, though!). I am not a Dominant ... but I'm a reasonably good actress and I can certainly *role play* being Dominant if that is what the scene requires ... and assuming that role does help all the rest flow along.
The biggest thing I've had to struggle with is my perennial fear that I'm going to hurt the person (yes, yes, I know, how sad is that, that's the point of the exercise, etc). But you know what I mean, I hope: I fear that I will cause *unintended* pain, or unintended marks, or accidentally do something that will *harm*, rather than just *hurt*.
Matou understands this, but he also tells me that I am nuts, that he's watched me top and the danger of *me* doing someone a serious injury are, um, slim. But I do still worry.
A bit less now, though. The last couple of times I have co-topped with Matou something has been a little different. One thing that has been of tremendous help is that the last few people I've topped -- and one very special person in particular who may know who she is -- have been very experienced bottoms who regularly play with people who are light years ahead of me in terms of experience, skill, intensity ... and severity. This has actually freed me considerably because I didn't have to worry quite so much about hurting the sub in question in ways they may not want or for which they may not be prepared. Consequently, I have to a greater extent been able to trust my own abilities more (this also comes as a by-product of more experience and increasing skill on my part) and focus more on what I want to do, what I want the sub/bottom to experience, and how to go about making that happen.
The other interesting thing that has happened is that I have realised that whilst I may not have a dominant bone in my body, I do have an Inner Sadist. Yes, really. Quietly lurking, tucked away in the bright white space that I now recognise as my version of top space (if I may be presumptuous enough to think that I have a Top Space!).
My version of top space is entirely different from my versions of bottom/sub space. For me, at least, my own sub space during an intense scene can be either a shadowy, soft, muted area where the whole world seems distant ... or if I am really far away, I can have visions and adventures of nearly cinematic clarity and intensity. Top space is very different. It really does seem to be ... brighter ... than normal space. I see everything very clearly, am very alert -- hyperalert -- focused entirely on what I am doing, focused entirely on the scene, the sub/bottom at the centre of it and also (as so far I have only co-topped with Matou, and once with Matou and another very talented Dom friend of ours) on my co-topper. Occasionally when co-topping with Matou our eyes meet and it's wonderful -- it's intimacy of an entirely different sort than what we experience when he is topping me. It actually reminds me of when we are cooking together in our tiny, badly-designed kitchen. We have to almost dance around each other to avoid collisions, but we know each other so well now that we can step in to assist at crucial points in the food prep without even having to ask if help is needed. Co-topping is, or can be, like that.
But as intimated, recently I have experienced something else. Along with the clarity and the focus and the dance in tandem with Matou as we concoct something delicious for the pleasure of the bottom, I have heard this little voice. A detached, rather clinically dispassionate little voice that says things like ...
"I wonder what she'd do if I did **this**?"
"It would be interesting to see what's she'd do if I applied this little toy **here**. And now a little harder, ***here***".
"My, her bottom's red. What kind of a sound would she make if I ran a pinwheel across it right **now**?"
It scared me a bit at first, and still does if I'm honest. But I think learning to love my inner sadist is perhaps the key to becoming a better top, which is something that I do want.
For me, topping is not a sexual turn on (bottoming, as most of you no doubt know, most definitely *is* a turn on for me). I don't find being in the top/dominant role arousing. But it is a fascinating place to be ... sort of an extended, cerebral orgasm. My brain cool and clear as a mountain top, creatively humming away and listening -- still somewhat guardedly -- to my inner sadist. I've described most of this to Matou, who smiles and says, "Welcome to my world."
Top space/dom space is of course still very much his world, not mine. At least not yet -- I still regard myself as a tourist in top space. But given time ... who knows? I'll probably never take up permanent residency but I may find myself making increasingly frequent visits.
To Matou ... thank you for teaching me so much ... and for those moments when our eyes meet.
Ai shiteru, Sensei ... itsumo.
*your* cerrynn{M}
| 29 Dec 06, 7:05 PM ShadowRose UK(PO), 9 yrs  |
Wonderful to see you blogging again.
I can only echo Matou on this. You've expressed the feeling I have when domming, admirably. Seasons greetings and all the best to you both for 2007 Rose xxx Give us bread, but give us roses! | |
| 29 Dec 06, 10:17 PM Rochelle 6 yrs  |
Beautiful to read cerrynn & well explained - I found my self nodding in places & smiling at others. All I can say is that I hope you co-top me one day in the not too distant future. Love'n'hugs Rochelle xxxxxxxxx I might be a crazy lady but I hope I am always a good friend. | |
| 29 Dec 06, 11:47 PM lucky_1 7 yrs |
Another fab blog cerryn. I know the feelings you have well, thought I cannot claim ownership of them myself. Capi has come from the very same space as yourself. Submissive to J but awakening the sadist with me, and boy has that developed, she is now extremely skilled at what she does, taking me right to my limits. Have fun and Happy New Year to you both. lucky The more that pleasure turns into pain, the more inclined I am to stand and take it. Texas 2005 | |
| 30 Dec 06, 10:20 AM subsumed UK, 11 yrs |
Your post struck many a chord with me, cerrynn and also reminded me of how much I learned from Matou. It's lovely to see you writing again. Happy New Year to you both. s (who hopes for more waxing in 2007) | |
| 30 Dec 06, 11:03 PM caprycorn 8 yrs |
Isn't this sadism lark FUN? Scary terrifying exhilarating fun but fun nonetheless... gotta love it and then some. I would tell you to "enjoy" but you are obviously already doing so. Hope to see you both soon, love to you both xxxxx My imaginary friend thinks that you have a problem |
