Posted by Excalibur_1949 on Tue 21 Nov 06, 11:25 PM to Excalibur_1949's blog.
its April 1st 2002...and within a few minutes I am going to say goodbye to My wife for the last time.
Its not intentional...I have been offered work in another part of the country...not an unusual thing,,,I often worked away.
But this time My wife was hiding something from me..she had Cancer..I didnt know it,,,she never mentioned it...never hinted that something was wrong...and she looked the same as she always had.
I first met her when we both worked at Butlins in 1988, one of those two week holiday romances...but after two weeks we were still together...and were for almost twelve years.
I am still not sure what she ever saw in Me...obviously..something I couldnt see, but I know what I saw in her...I loved her...and for the first time in My life...Loved with a vengeance.
I had already been married three times, but never before had I felt what I felt with her...she made Me complete...she allowed Me to be Myself, though at the same time..kept some of Me for her.
She knew I was involved in bdsm from the start, and though she never was into it..she made efforts.
I remember coming home from work one night to find her in basque...thong..stockings and heels....just to please Me...she even allowed me to tie her up on two occasions...again...simply to please me...she was special...smiles
I am not going to sit here and say that life was a bunch of roses...she and I did fight sometimes...and the fights would have been box office if ever televised...but..we never went to bed on an arguement..we always made up before bed time.
she had some wonderful points..and some habits that drove Me crazy...but I guess I had habits that did the same to her...thats life I guess..we simply make the best of what we have.
but that April fools day I cannot forget....we said our usual goodbye's "see you in a few weeks" thing that we always did when I worked away, even though I spent a lot of the time working Camps etc.
in 1996 we had decided to get married...not to please My family..or hers...but because we felt it was right.
Again..I was working away at the camps...and so we got married in Hastings..taking a few hours off work to do so.
it had taken us eight years to say "I do"...but...we had never thought it was a long time..it was just the RIGHT time.
The only stipulation she made..was that we get married the day before My birthday...her idea was so that I would never forget the anniversary....smiles...not that I would have done.
for the next three years I worked the camps in summer...but had always promised Myself that at the age of 50 I would stop...on the day before My birthday I rang her up and wished her happy anniversary....without telling her I was coming home the next day...it was going to be a surprise..and it was....she was shocked...took two bottles of Baileys to calm her down...smiles
for the next couple of years I stayed home and worked...had a job in an office...and spent a lot of time at home with her..something neither of us was used to...but we managed somehow to get it into our system.
The the company I worked for went bust,,and I was made redundant...so I went working for an agency...but..workwise..this was hit and miss..so when I was offered this job away from home..we discussed it..and I went for it.
How I wish now that I hadnt...but the clock cant be turned back...and that was the last time I ever saw her....I often think I was the April fool...but she would never have let Me think that...she was always positive for both of us.
She was My friend...she was My lover...she was My wife...and she was the one I could tell anything to...comforted me when things were bad...laughed with me when things were good...watched over Me as much as I did for her.
and tomorrow is her birthday,,,she would have been 42....
I can still see her when I close My eyes...I can sometime smell the cheap perfume she thought was the dogs bollox...smiles...hear her laugh,,,hear her shout at me in fury...
But one other thing that I can still do...is love her...as much now as I did when she was alive.
I know she cant be replaced...and I have never tried to replace her...I have had other ladies since then...but have tried to judge each on their own merits...and this is essential..if I judged them on My wife's merits...the whole world would fall short...smiles
so if I had such a good life with her...why do I cry?...I was still working away when she died...her family didnt tell me..they totally excluded me...and even now they wont tell me where she is buried...I grieve every year for her...and light My candle ( this year it;s a purple candle in a glass..with an angel on the side..and spiraling stars).
I love you darling....with everything that I am...when you and I said we would stay together for life...it was meant to be My life...not yours...but cancer doesnt discriminate when it comes to victims or their ages...
One day I shall be with you again...still loving you..still wanting you...and still..trying to make you laugh at the silly jokes you always found amusing...
farewell darling....see you soon enough...
G
| 21 Nov 06, 11:29 PM Sweetiejar UK(S), 11 yrs  |
big hug xxxxxxxxxx Sweetiejar |
| 21 Nov 06, 11:35 PM Ppengy 6 yrs  |
Down to earth with a crash. God bless you both and remain together always. xxxx Penguin agrees. |
| 21 Nov 06, 11:49 PM northern_light UK, 7 yrs |
Simply a heartwrenching blog. Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently (Henry Ford) |
| 22 Nov 06, 1:55 AM Leatherangel 6 yrs |
Just hugs x Tis to be a slave in soul, and hold no strong control. over your own will but be...all that others make of ye |
| 22 Nov 06, 2:03 AM DKLeather  UK(S), 11 yrs |
what poignant and beautiful memories you have shared here. I'm honoured that you chose to share them.
Bless you and her both. http://www.leatherfamily.co.uk Veritas, Respectus, Honorque in Corio |
| 22 Nov 06, 7:29 AM dawntigga 6 yrs |
big hug tigxx Average, everyday, sane, psycho, angel goddess |
| 22 Nov 06, 8:05 AM malandrina UK, 6 yrs |
love and hugs xx |
| 22 Nov 06, 9:41 AM hunnysuckle UK(FY), 6 yrs |
It is not easy when you loose your wife/husband.
Big hugs when I see you next. hunny |
| 22 Nov 06, 10:09 AM scarlett101 UK, 7 yrs |
Thank you for sharing, big hugs.. scarlet |
| 22 Nov 06, 10:20 AM DK1369 UK(M), 9 yrs |
You are a Man I am honoured to know.... Beautiful honesty...ThankYou. xxx Some Men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace. Marianne Williamson |
