Posted by Smartarse
on Mon 20 Nov 06, 1:07 AM to Smartarse's blog.
In theory I ought to really like the LOTR films. I saw them all at the cinema when they first came out. And I read the novel when I was a teenager. It's full of elves and dwarves and magic and monsters and heroic deeds, so on paper at least, I ought to really enjoy watching them. I remember the book as being a bit of a slog. Kind of a marathon read with long sections which felt like hauling yourself up a mountain by your finger nails. Peter Jackson seems to have perfectly translated that into film. And by the time you've watched it all the way through, you feel as if you've dropped the ring down the Cracks of Doom yourself. Ooops, didn't spoil the plot for anyone did ? You didn't know that Frodo manages to complete his quest and save Middle Earth? What did you think happened? Sauron, sees the error of his ways and says don't worry about the massive Orc army I've assembled, lets all be mates. Nah.
I'm watching the third film after watching the second last week. I'm thinking maybe it's a bad idea from the start. I remember being impressed and bored in equal measure when I saw it first time round. I thought, it's gotta be worth another watch, if only to see the amazing monochrome special effects once more.
So I sit down to watch it. Yes I did enjoy it. Well the amazing monochrome special effects. But unlike at the cinema there were the advert breaks. The first advert break had an ad for Gillette fusion razors. This is possibly the Gayest ad I've ever seen for a man's razor. Featuring an older grey haired man and a younger man, possibly meant to be his son, but looking nothing like a surly teenager and more like the older man's lover.
'I don't think I can watch any more of this turgid nonensense, Sam.'
'You can do it Master Frodo. Remember the shire.' Next time remember the shite and don't watch it. Life is too short. I've already wasted 15 hours watching this. That's practically a whole day out of my life.
I slog on with the viewing. This is occasionally broken up by the TV screen going black as the digibox - even when off - interfers with the signal. I'm pretty sure some bits were cut and not just by my digibox. I thought there was a long and sad funeral after the siege of Minas Tirith. I never did find out what happened to the ugly Orc captain. Surely he met a special set piece doom. What happened to Arwen? And why do the Elves all look like they are fresh from a Nivea advert - third break - but the Orcs all have really bad skin. Don't Orcs know how to moisturise?
The thing is: It's such a long saga that you can't remember all the details and you feel you have to watch it over and over to tie up all the loose ends. And no, I'm never going to watch the DVD. Not unless they produce a cut where they've taken out all the scenes where people aren't actually moving - the ones where they are just standing around while the music plays.
So Frodo dumps the ring and the game's up for Sauron. Kind of a bad move on Sauron's part to put all his eggs in one basket as it were. If you were investing your magical power into an inanimate object, surely you'd be daft to put it into something as easy to lose as a ring? He risks his whole evil empire every time he washes up. Now if he invested his power into a mobile phone at least he could ring up and ask for it back.
"One phone to ring them all and in the darkess find them"
'Hello, this is Sauron. You've got my phone. Bring it back now and I won't unlesh my Orc hordes and send me Nazgul after you.' Wouldn't that be good? Everytime you lose your car keys you send your nine black riders out to look for them.
As I was saying, it's game over for the Dark Lord. His tower is in pieces and his flaming eye has gone out. Frodo and Sam are sitting on a rock surrounded by flowing lava. I reckon they'd have been cooked in about 4 minutes. Slightly less, than a microwave curry, say. Meanwhile Gandalf rescues them with the Middle Earth Air Ambulance - or a couple of Eagles to you. But there is still twenty minutes of the film to go. Time for an ad break so we can all switch off and go to bed. But no, we have to sit through another twenty minutes of sad goodbyes and triumphant parades.
So we get to end and they all live happily ever after apart from the Elves and the Bagginses who go off to the Grey Havens. I never understood that in the book and I don't understand it now. What happens in the Grey Havens? And no, not even the DVD is going to help with that one.
Then they run the credits. I never got to see the credits at the cinema as my buddies had an urgent appointment with Burger King. I thought I'd have a little look see who'd done what. You thought all those soldiers were computer generated? No, must have been extras. I think they gave a credit to every single one of them. And after the credits the ad break, and Durex advertising various flavours of lube - including heat and tingle. I guess they've got the average LOTR viewer sussed. Perverts all of them.
It is a cinematic triumph. I thought it was unfilmable. I'll never watch it again. Doh, I said that last time.
Edited Mon 20 Nov 06, 4:55 PM by Smartarse
