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IC : Weblogs : DillyTante : "Whistling and Ms. Hasslesome Mumper."
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Whistling and Ms. Hasslesome Mumper. (11)
DillyTante's profile
Posted by DillyTante on Sat 4 Nov 06, 6:11 PM
Unlike some who discuss their animal companions on IC, I've felt cautious when mentioning my significant other. I was reluctant to discuss my dog in any detail. I couldn't do it I felt, without also having to explain my feelings about whistling.
I've a fiercely negative reaction to whistling. It struck me as foolhardy to mention such an antipathy in a forum read by sadists.
It dawned on me today that at the same time as introducing Ms. Hasslesome Mumper to my limited readership, I might also add whistling to my list of Hard Limits Which Are Not Up For Negotiation Under Any Circumstances.
My list of personal hard limits is increasing and curiously, only a few activities have much to do with sex or perversion. Mostly they relate to such things as cows, ladders, gardening and Bingo. You can't be too careful with sadistic sorts though, can you? Therefore today, I'm making it a matter of public record, that whistling tops my list of things you perpetrate upon me at your peril.
For me, it's inadequate to compare the sound of whistling to the screech of fingernails down a blackboard. That would be as elaborate an understatement, as observing that licking the floor of an abattoir isn't a pleasant way to spend an otherwise idle Saturday afternoon.
I experience the sound of whistling as excruciatingly awful. I'm not exaggerating. If you feel lucky, try it. Come on you Bogarts. You know how to whistle don't you? You just put your lips together and blow.
Then you can watch as my mood transforms instantly from tranquil to testy and then escalates swiftly into psychotic.
Musical Whistlers in particular, puzzle me. Why do old codgers do that? And it's always elderly men who do a complete version of something with ten identical verses. Has anyone else noticed? I've wondered if secret fans quietly congratulate a Whistler in Sainsbury's after a performance. Awe-inspired by a particularly chirrupy impression of 'Roses of Picardy' do people furtively applaud and express gratitude for the effort? Someone must encourage the Whistlers. Why else would they do such a horrible thing?
They do it in the street, they do it in shops, they do it everywhere. There's no apparent sense of the appropriate. If I were to burst suddenly into song while boogying about my daily business, I'd be rightly perceived as one of the terminally bewildered. Yet whistlers impose that excruciating noise upon us and there's not an ASBO or restraining order in sight. Why?
Having explained my position with regard to whistling, I can discuss my live-in companion, Ms. Hasslesome Mumper.
She whistles.
This is unfortunate. It's part of a neurotic behavioural package including compulsive attention seeking, which dictates Hasslesome's character. Those who do not know me or Hasslesome, will now probably perceive me as Cruella de Ville's less kindly older sister.
Ah well.
When Hasslesome isn't eating, sleeping, playing or defecating, she craves - correction, she demands - attention. From anyone. And she whistles for it.
Although she didn't move in with me until she was six years old, I've known her since she was a puppy. I'd always considered her previous companions to be surprisingly impatient with her. I thought she was lovely! So affectionate! So endearing! How could they not adore her? I confess to feeling a certain amount of disapproval.
Can you hear the sound of hollow laughter as I admit that this blinkered perception brought canine related karma, whistling down upon my stupid old head. Now I must endure from others, those same reproachful and disapproving reactions.
Guests to my home are immediately seduced by long-lashed, almond-shaped Disney eyes, gazing adoringly upwards to meet their own. 'LOVE ME!' those eyes implore as her body becomes velcroed to her objective. Within moments everyone is convinced that they are the one person in the whole world, she's ever truly loved.
I was delighted this week, when a friend referred to Hasslesome as fickle. That friend has now become one of a limited number of those who understand Hasslesome's true nature.
She does it with everyone. She does it all the time. If I'm not on the ball, she hurls herself winsomely at any passer-by. This ruins otherwise peaceful walks for me, as I'm then forced into tediously repetitive dog related conversations with strangers.
After five years, I'm resigned to my lot. I accept that my stock is reduced immediately someone meets Hasslesome and then registers how strict I seem to be with her. This week was no different when for the first time I achieved a three dimensional encounter with an established friend. It's a curious sign of the times incidentally, that in these days of whiz-bang virtual and telephonic communications, I can say that without sounding too deranged.
I had a lovely time with the friend. It sped past too swiftly. Particularly when we were out eating, drinking and making merry in the Hoarse and Jocular (a dog-free zone). Upon our return home Hasslesome ensured that she was adored and by contrast, I assumed my usual role of Wicked Witch of the West.
Those who know me well, also know that irritability aside, I'm actually fond of Hasslesome.
She can puncture the blackest mood, by prancing in front of me, long nose to the ground, wagging arse in the air, oophing demands for play. She becomes deliriously excited at the prospect of a smelly fish supper and absurdly grateful afterwards. She sleeps on my bed functioning as a warm, comforting and animated teddy-bear. She snores beside me on the sofa in the evenings and won't complain if I watch 'Battlestar Galactica', 'QI' or 'House'.
To my sly amusement occasionally she discomfits frisky male guests with what I can only describe as doggy porn poses. These involve her lying asleep on her back, hind legs splayed wantonly wide ensuring baboon-like exposure of her pink bits. On more than one occasion, a distracted gentleman caller has requested the removal of her funky canine pudenda to somewhere more decorously out of sight. 
She's a horror. She sets my teeth on edge. She forces me into conversation with strangers. She whistles and nags constantly. She tops from the bottom. She's a pain in the arse.
She's my pain in the arse though and will remain so until death or disaster removes one of us from the equation.
I've written this sentimental whimsy for more than one purpose. One not quite so obvious reason is that I wanted to remark on the happy occasion of meeting a friend for the first time. Even if they were so thoroughly suckered by a first-class performance of cupboard love.
Another reason, is that I wanted to wax a little sentimental. I've shared my life with dogs for the best part of twenty years. Each time one of them has kicked the bucket, I've always felt too pissed off and miserable to write an adequate eulogy; to properly detail their characters and the value I've placed upon their companionship.
Admittedly, none of them annoyed me to the degree that Hasslesome can, but when the time comes I'll feel as bereft without her as I did the others. With luck, I'll have a few years yet of teeth-clenched, narrow-eyed annoyance. Of instructing her to get out of everyone's face, of dimpling at her sweet foolery and cuddling up with her in private.
Mind you, that whistling may yet persuade me into surgery on her larynx.
Replies
4 Nov 06, 6:20 PM
Bbdspls
UK, 4 yrs
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pls x You may be only one person in the world, but you may be the world to one person
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4 Nov 06, 6:28 PM
PFLsAgain
UK, 3 yrs
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As well as being a virtuoso whistler she is also delightfully easily led. I just mention that last fact in case any suitably wicked person wishes to take advantage "I learned what every dreaming child needs to know - no horizon is so far that you cannot see above or beyond it." ~ Beryl Markham (first pilot to cross the Atlantic solo the hard way - East to West)
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4 Nov 06, 8:43 PM
DillyTante
UK, 3 yrs
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PFLsAgain wrote:
As well as being a virtuoso whistler she is also delightfully easily led. I just mention that last fact in case any suitably wicked person wishes to take advantage
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I'm beginning to suspect that you have a thoroughly despicable aspect to your character, Ms. Again!
Of course you realise that your advice might lead to the aforementioned Larynx Operation. Probably a spontaneous Do-it-Yourself job, with a large rusty nail.
Perhaps I should insert a winky-smiley here, just in case.
On the other hand...
I might be serious.
Dilly
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4 Nov 06, 8:52 PM
DillyTante
UK, 3 yrs
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The_Princess wrote:
DillyTante wrote:
... lying asleep on her back, hind legs splayed wantonly wide ensuring baboon-like exposure of her pink bits.
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And the problem with that is...?
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Hey. After a few ineffectual attempts to encourage Hasslesome into a more modest pose when recumbant, I barely notice it now. It's no problem for me! 
Heh! Um. While I wholeheartedly acknowledge and recognise from my own experience, the validity of your point Princess and although I'm much inclined to agree, the problem appears to be...um...I'm trying to think of a delicate way of phrasing what I want to say....
Oh! I can't! There you go!
Dilly
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4 Nov 06, 9:20 PM
DillyTante
UK, 3 yrs
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I know it's bad form to add to your own weblog like this, but I've just remembered something else.
The moment I embrace or kiss someone, Hasslesome whistles. If I ignore her, she whistles louder. Eventually, I have to interrupt an affectionate or passionate embrace to roar,
SHUT UP HASSLESOME!
It can spoil a mood.
Dilly
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4 Nov 06, 10:17 PM
PFLsAgain
UK, 3 yrs
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DillyTante wrote:
On the other hand...
I might be serious.
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Both HM and I know exactly how serious you are which is why she takes no notice whatsoever. Smart dog that one 
"I learned what every dreaming child needs to know - no horizon is so far that you cannot see above or beyond it." ~ Beryl Markham (first pilot to cross the Atlantic solo the hard way - East to West)
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4 Nov 06, 10:23 PM
DillyTante
UK, 3 yrs
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PFLsAgain wrote:
DillyTante wrote:
On the other hand...
I might be serious.
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Both HM and I know exactly how serious you are which is why she takes no notice whatsoever. Smart dog that one
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Pah! Pah I say! Yeah. Right. As if. Tch. Dilly
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5 Nov 06, 10:12 AM
bohemian
4 yrs |
DillyTante wrote:
I had a lovely time with the friend. It sped past too swiftly. Particularly when we were out eating, drinking and making merry in the Hoarse and Jocular (a dog-free zone). Upon our return home Hasslesome ensured that she was adored and by contrast, I assumed my usual role of Wicked Witch of the West.
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Utter poppycock! Hasslesome is obviously Toto to your Dorothy. I, on the other hand was a mere munchkin sat in the pub, all be it a rather contented one! You're right though, it did speed past far too swiftly and next time I really will ensure I bring my hiking boots.....possibly, maybe! x
Edited 5 Nov 06, 10:24 AM by bohemian
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5 Nov 06, 10:56 AM
DillyTante
UK, 3 yrs
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bohemian wrote:
Utter poppycock! Hasslesome is obviously Toto to your Dorothy. I, on the other hand was a mere munchkin sat in the pub, all be it a rather contented one! You're right though, it did speed past far too swiftly and next time I really will ensure I bring my hiking boots.....possibly, maybe! x
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Sorry. You can't be a Munchkin. ToyTown is already overpopulated by tiny but sweet-natured people and I believe that immigration legislation is on its way to control the situation. At a tangent, as a not-particularly-tall-person myself, it's unnerving to realise how many women here, only come up to my chest.
I'm not sure if it might be more accurate to describe the majority of inhabitants here as Hobbits. Although I've not noticed many hairy feet.
Which are taller? Munchkins or Hobbits? Although you can't be a Hobbit either as Hobbits irritate me.
(Gasp! Did I really type that out loud? In a public forum? The Tolkienites will put out a contract on me!)
Ah. I know! You'll just have to be content with being known as a friend of Dorothy's!
Toto sends you a cupboard full of love Dilly in Oz.
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6 Nov 06, 9:41 AM
Lady_I
UK(SS), 3 yrs
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DillyTante wrote:
Having explained my position with regard to whistling, I can discuss my live-in companion, Ms. Hasslesome Mumper.
She whistles.
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HEY! I now know who whistler's mother is
Hugs,
Irene.
P.S.
Do you come when she whistles?
Yet Dom as I am _
Still I crave the wind from your sub wings
fleeting softly with gentleness so pure
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