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| Brindle |
on Wed 1 Nov 06, 4:53 AM to Brindle's blog.
You've been haunting me the last wk or so in so many ways...
Finding myself taking Honey-dog out on the track we had our first joint walk together in the early hours of Thursday morning... the first time I'd visited it in months...
My mum turning up on Thursday afternoon. With nothing but love and open arms to hold me and rock me just as if I were 3 and had grazed my knee, howling in that way that only a child can, with a pain they can't understand - and I love her for it more than I can say. I so wish you'd met her. I know you'd have loved each other too....
Then my oldest and most beloved friend rang me out of the blue on Thursday, inviting me to her family home, to rest, take time to reflect and witness and be part of her families celebration of Chhat Puja. And we so rarely get the chance to see, or even speak to each other - but when I said you'd been like a little brother to me she didn't even question it. Just put her arms around me an held me close.
And on Sat night there was a moment that blew me away... as there was no reason for you to be there and for it to be needful for me to talk about you in that way with a total stranger... but I did. And I don't regret it in the slightest...
I've had a couple of memo's out of the blue, from folks that haven't even read, or connected, my posts.
My Dad mailed me... hell - even my BROTHER is lurking in the emotional background.
And then?
Bondi called tonight. On Samhain. By chance? I think not....seeing as he's been on my mind for several days... He's calling by on Saturday I hope - when we can say some kind of joint goodbye to you.
But despite all the pain in my heart (that I'll never hear your voice again, or see your smile, or reach out and pull you into my arms and feel you hold and accept me back)....I've made some important connections these last few days that have helped me through the hurt of missing you. And miss you I do. Very much. But I feel they have been there, have happened for a reason.
And I trust you.
As you did me.
You'll always be a part of my life baby boy. Always. Maybe not as you were? Or in the physical sense that you once inhabited?
But there.
I can feel you and sense you (hell I've been pretty much tripping over you the last day or two!) and I'm glad of it.
Love you hon.
Glad you've found peace and contentment at last - and that you want to pass those things on to those you care about in the best and only way you can.
And I promise you. I'll do my best to celebrate and accept your gifts. Always.
xx
