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| Brindle |
on Thu 26 Oct 06, 12:30 PM to Brindle's blog.
Shit these last few weeks have been hard.
I miss-carried to my biker a couple of weeks after he went down.
It was real early, so I suppose it's hard to say for sure - but I know in my heart that's what happened. My body was telling me things it'd never said before. Clear signs. And when I came 'on' it wasn't like any other time.
I couldn't tell anyone then. My brother and his wife have been trying for nearly 3yrs and after IVF have had just had success. My aunt was dying. My mum was trying so very hard to look after the pair of us. I was pretty much having a breakdown following the shit my biker'd put me through the last few weeks before he finally got arrested. And I'd just lost Adrian too...
Then.. well I blogged some of the basic shit that's happened.
And none of it's been good.
One ray of light has been the young lad I blogged about a while ago (http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/weblogs/Brindle... who's growing into a young man that any parent, never mind his missing mother, would be proud of.
He comes by at LEAST once a week to check on me.
Makes sure I'm OK, goes to the shop for me, takes Honey-dog out for me, goes to town for me to get anything I need, makes CD's for me, brings me films/gadgets/draws me pictures/tries to cheer me up... if and when he can.
HE CAME ROUND ON TUESDAY IN FLOODS OF TEARS.
His 'dad' and g/f have split up.
He's devastated.
All he wants is for his dad to be happy. He's heartbroken. He sat there and said "If they don't work it out, it could be another 4 or 5 yrs before he finds someone else and he finds someone who he loves and loves him like I can't"
FFS - this... from a lad only just into his teenage years.
Talk about old head on young shoulders.
I've never met anyone so selfless in my entire life.
YET LAST NIGHT HE CAME DOWN AND INSISTED ON MAKING ME MY TEA COS HE WAS WORRIED ABOUT ME BEING SO POORLY THAT I MAY HAVE BEEN IN BED ALL DAY AND NOT EATEN
(And actually, he was right, but that's hardly the point here, now... IS IT?).
He has NO MONEY. He's only a kid. Even his time isn't his own.
All he has to offer me is his goodwill, his friendship, and a good, clean heart.
He can't help me with my mortgage, or pay for my shopping, or pay my gas bill... all the things that would make a SIGNIFICANT (?) difference in my life and prevent me being taken to court for debt (for example) but fuck me, HE TRIES.
He puts up with me being ill, turning him away from my door when I can barely stand upright, not answering my phone and neglecting to be in touch.
He DOES HIS BEST WITH WHAT HE HAS AND HE DOESN'T FUCK OFF AT THE SLIGHTEST PROBLEM OR ISSUE. He makes SURE that I know I can rely on him. TIME AND TIME AGAIN.
Because he CARES. He REALLY cares.
He makes a DIFFERENCE to my life.
And as such? I'd go to the ends of the earth for him if need be. AND he knows it.
He puts many other so called 'friends' to fucking SHAME.
If he was my son, I couldn't, just COULDN'T be more proud of him.
But he isn't.
I have no claim on him or to him.
But if I had a son? He'd be what I wanted.
And, the thing is - I never WANTED kids.
I've never, until now, felt that maternal pull, that want or need or desire. Not really. Not deep down down inside in a way that I can't explain or rationalise.
I knew, when I said I'd marry the biker, that there was a 'feeling' that a child between us would be a good thing, a blessing, and never a curse. But it's not something I actively pursued. And maybe that's for the best - who knows?
But I would've kept it... I so would've kept it. Cherished it. Given it the life I wished the biker'd had. I would've done my best to make it's life a happy one. Showed it the love and care and compassion that the biker couldn't accept or cope with.
It broke my heart to know that chance had been a possibility but that it was lost.
I had to sit there on Tuesday and tell that wonderful boy that I understood that I know all he wants is a mum. That I can see and know how much he longs for her, and grieves she's not here, and that I KNOW he so, so wants someone there in her stead.. not to REPLACE her... but for someone to be there in the here and now... to be that for him. But that I can't be that for him.
Because I'm not - am I?
I'm his friend, his mate, someone he can come to and feel safe with, someone who cares, lets him be who he is, loves him for who he is, gives him space and time, shares his giddiness over gadgets, laughs at his jokes, makes him laugh over me just being me - because I can be myself with him. I never have to apologise for not being well, or for forgetting things, or for being a bit 'odd' and not like other adults.
He feels safe here.
He said so when he turned up on my doorstep in tears. He said he just didn't know where else to go.... and all I could do was put my arms around him and love him.
But I'm not his mum. And I never will 'be'.
It's so odd - I've only met his 'dad' 3 or 4 times and then only more or less in passing... but yet the relationship I have this boy is beyond anything I ever looked for, or even wanted, and is beyond price to me. I treasure him and trust him so.... And yet he came out of the blue. Walked into my life by accident and has been allowed to be a significant part of my life by a parent who barely knows me (and whom I KNOW does not, and never HAS trusted the biker!).
It broke my heart seeing him hurt so much.
And I don't know WHY I felt I had to tell him I understood exactly WHY it was so awful, but that I also felt the need to say I couldn't and would never be that for him.
Some essential truth that had to out itself? I don't know.
It was OK... sort of..
I tried to put into words how much I care for him and will always be here for him... and I know he believed me. In fact, the way he said it. The way he just told me, so simply "I know. I know you'll always be here and always love me no matter what." put me to tears. Such absolute faith and trust.
I felt honored.
Because I would be, if I could.
But I can't.
As that's not the way the world works - is it?
But if I'd had that child?
I couldn't have been more proud or loved it more than if it'd turned out like that hurt, wounded, bereft, bereaved but wonderful boy who stood there in my arms at that moment.
He's what I'd want a son of mine to be. And I wish, I just WISH I could've met his mum.
And that I could tell her how amazing he is and how proud of him she should be.
I hope she knows somehow.
I really do.
So here I am.
Grieving all over again.
For something that could never be.
Yeah.
Life is pretty shit at the moment.
| 26 Oct 06, 12:51 PM Sweetiejar UK(S), 11 yrs |
It strikes me that you have been given an opportunity to care for this boy. If you are realistic you know you could never have cared for your baby as much as you would have wanted to. The illness that keeps you in bed and out of circulation so much wouldnt just go away if you had a child, and ultimately that child would be the worse for it. Harsh words perhaps but none the less.... This boy has come to you at an age when he needs none of the 'intensive' care a baby or a small child would. He has come for a reason and in the grand scheme of things,that reason probably has more to do with your needs than his. Sweetiejar | |
| 26 Oct 06, 1:05 PM Brindle UK(HD), 8 yrs |
Ain't it he truth? I know hon, I know and as I've grieved part of me has been in some way thankful, although it tears me to bits to say it, as I know you have the truth of it. I couldn't have cared for it as a mother needs to - or certaintly not without putting an intolerable strain and obligation on my OWN mother. I think my body did what it needed to. And I'm grateful for that. But fuck me. It hurts.
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| 26 Oct 06, 5:48 PM Mrs_Smith 6 yrs |
i think you are both lucky to have each other, you are both very special people who need each other, and who both give one to the other exactly what that person needs, both in the giving and the receiving.  |
