Posted by Matou on Tue 6 Apr 04, 9:14 PM to Matou's blog.
…so goes the old song. And so goes my philosophy as a lifestyle Dominant. This weblog is the Dom-side view of the latest weblog of my beloved cerrynn. This is probably as opinionated as hers but, just like hers, these are only our opinions – feel free to disagree as strongly as you like. No offence is intended.
I have logged on this subject before to an extent but this is a slightly different slant. Why am I a Dominant? What are my aims, my goals?
1. For me to have a good time: yep, that's there.
2. To give cerrynn a good time: that's definitely there – and No. 1 usually results from No.2.
3. To increase cerrynn's perception of her self-worth.
There are many others (like making sure I retain her love and respect) but these will do for my purposes here. Nos. 1 & 2 are fairly transitory. No.3 is far less overt but is always in my mind. If I can improve cerrynn's view of her self-worth she will be happier with herself. Her idea of her worth and mine of her worth *to me* will never be close but I'm working on it. The very last thing I want to do is decrease it – her happiness will go down with it.
So, on the rare occasions she is “bad”, as she described, she is punished quickly and efficiently and cuddled afterwards. It's done, finished and quarantined in a little bubble of memory. We both know it is there and we can even talk about it from outside the bubble without triggering feelings of guilt – but it is finished.
What happens *much* more frequently is that she does something I am pleased with – and I let her know that. When I am proud of her, I tell her so. When she does something for me, I thank her. When she cuts her finger, I look after it. I want her to feel valued and loved. If she does something especially good, I reward her. That's one reason why we don't use play punishment. Nothing wrong with it, it's just that we don't need it. We find it much more interesting when I say, “You have been very, very good. I am going to reward you with a sound spanking over my lap.” We *both* know why that's a reward.
As for the “bad sub” label, if she were to be such a thing, whose fault would it be? I say it would be mine for setting expectations too high. What I can *reasonably* expect from her has to be within what she can *reasonably* achieve. Otherwise, I would be labelling her as a “bad sub” unreasonably. QED.
Now here is a *really* disturbing thought. There are times when I push my own limits in order to push cerrynn's buttons. So just who is being “compliant” now? Who is “serving” whom? I don't have any problem with this kind of compliance in me. I am a self- confessed “Loving Dominant”, as John Warren describes one, in that I get my biggest kicks from bringing pleasure to others.
So, my fellow Dominants, a suggestion made with all due respect: think before you tell your sub what a “bad” submissive he or she may be. Ask yourself which will bring the most positive response: telling how bad they are and how displeased you are or telling them how good they are and how proud they make you feel (at appropriate times, of course). Also ask yourselves, which will make *you* feel better afterwards?
Talking of thinking before acting. (IC's resident baby bore on the subject of safety climbs on his soapbox.) We talk blithely about SSC – Safe, Sane & Consensual – but in real life *nothing* is without some risk. We decide what risk is *acceptable* and proceed accordingly. In assessing that risk, think. Then you make the decision accepting the risk.
Think before you buy that lovely metal collar with the dainty but strong padlock the key of which only the Dom will have. This is a paramedic's nightmare. Also not good news if you are going anywhere that has a metal detector. Some security guards will be less than sympathetic to the fact that you don't have the key.
Think before you get tied/chained/locked to the bed all night. Not fun if there is a fire – especially not fun if your Dom sleeping beside you succumbs to smoke before he unties/unchains/unlocks you.
Think before you give away all your panties/tights/trousers. A submissive of mine got quite a thrill out of being told to go without knickers – as long as the weather stayed dry. The moment it went the slightest bit damp and chilly the thrill disappeared as urinary infection appeared. Every time.
Think before you allow someone to take compromising photos or before you give them as a gift. How do you know that the recipient won't be posting them on a website as soon as you are an ex-sub/(etc)?
Think before you play without safewords. It may sound great in a BDSM story but in reality it relies on the Dominant knowing his/her sub's responses and reactions intimately. This is something you can't buy – it takes time and experience and a great deal of attentive observation. In effect, cerrynn and I (and others we know) play without safewords because I *do* know her intimately. She has only used her safeword once, the very first time we played and not since. But if we were to play next week and she used it I would still stop instantly. If you are a newcomer to BDSM think about it and then decide against playing without them.
Think before you meet someone. Think about safecalls. Make one. And don't stop after the first meeting. You shouldn't need to think about this one – it's a no- brainer.
Think before you use that shiny new toy. Did you get advice on how to use it on a live target? Are you going to practice first?
Alright, alright. I'll shut up now – but I'm keeping the soap box, ok?
Be happy, be SAFE
Matou
Ai shiteru, utsukushii hanna
Edited Tue 6 Apr 04, 9:33 PM by Matou
