Posted by Matou on Sun 25 Jan 04, 6:19 AM to Matou's blog.
Those are the words cerrynn used in an email to me earlier tonight. They brought a smile to my face, as I am very well aware of their origin. As anyone would be who has also read the Empire trilogy by Raymond Feist. The book cerrynn is currently reading is the last of the three. Whilst being set on a strange world called Kelewan, Feist has borrowed heavily from Japan and other far eastern countries in the construction of the culture of the inhabitants, the Tsurani.
The reason I mention it is that she has not used this term before and has obviously picked it up from her reading. Seeing those words, it struck me that they sum up our D/s relationship very well – as much by what they don't say as by what they do. I should put a codicil on that: they sum up our relationship in terms that *we* can relate to.
In the strict and very draconian checks and balances of the Tsurani culture they are saying that cerrynn will do what has been asked because it is my will and my will overrides hers. However, they are also saying that the responsibility for doing so lies with me. they are not saying that she does it because I am always right. They are not saying that she does it with an implied “… but I think you are wrong” – that would be totally irrelevant. Those words are purely an expression and an acknowledgement of my power over her. How beautifully clean and simple.
Or is it? Feist deals with how that power can be used – and how it can be abused, also. The single word “responsibility” means so much - but there is also so much it doesn't mean, too. Let's take some simple examples. I am responsible for whatever happens during a scene – which doesn't necessarily mean that I am *to blame* for whatever happens. More accurately, I am responsible for *dealing with* the consequences of whatever happens during a scene. If a passing US warplane happens to miss Yorkshire and instead drops an unarmed bomb on Matou Mansions during a scene, I am patently not to blame for that. However, I am *responsible* for dealing with the negative effects that it would have on cerrynn's abrupt return from subspace. If, on the other hand, I were to attempt some particular play activity that I hadn't been trained for, or had insufficient knowledge of, then, should something go wrong, I would be to blame as well as responsible for dealing with the consequences.
For life stylers, it doesn't stop there – and indeed, for some casual players if the consequences of a scene going wrong persist outside that scene. The more control one takes, the more responsibility is accrued. In harmony with that, the more a submissive gives, the more he or she stands to lose. As some on this list will know, FrogMaster passed away recently. I only met him and his slave frog a few times but I was extremely impressed at the depth of his control in their D/s relationship – and her corresponding submission. FrogMaster was a perfect gentleman, always polite and yet non-acquiescence on frog's part was inconceivable . They made me rethink (positively) some of my opinions about Master/slave relationships. As much as a Dominant may own their submissive, being owned is equally tangible. She must feel bereft and my heart goes out to her.
I sometimes think that if more people (Dom/mes and submissives alike) stopped to consider what they were really getting into as far as D/s relationships were concerned there would be fewer break ups and fewer acrimonious weblogs floating around. The Old Guard/Leather Scene multi-level collar system had much to recommend it as far as slowing down the intensity of relationships is concerned.
Trust. We all blithely talk about the trust that a submissive puts in a Dominant. What about the trust that a Dominant puts in a submissive – or indeed the *lack* of trust that a Dom/me has in their submissive. I'm probably walking very dangerous ground here so I will reiterate that I am talking about what works or doesn't work for cerrynn and myself. If you find anything of value, take it with my blessing. If it offends you then I apologise in advance.
A simple case which probably needs to be aired anyway. If someone emails or memos cerrynn, she will probably share it with me – especially if she thinks it is something that will interest me. People often memo her simply to say that they liked her latest log or whatever. It makes me very proud to read such memos. However, should someone be talking about something personal then she will ask for permission before sharing. If permission is refused then she won't share it with me but it will not affect her correspondence with that person. Put more succinctly, she is allowed to keep confidences. To some readers that may be sacrilegious but I don't feel that way. I trust her discretion, intelligence and common sense to act appropriately. This is a discussed and agreed part of our relationship – I will *never* order her to breach a confidence. As far as I am concerned, this would be an abuse of my power.
Similarly, she can talk to, or send or receive emails to or from, whomever she chooses. Again, I trust her common sense. If she needs advice from me, she will ask for it. I certainly don't vet her correspondence. I have better things to do. Nor do I attempt to limit her friends – even if I were to dislike them. She can choose her own friends. My first submissive, a wonderful person who taught me much and who is slighted dreadfully by omission in these logs, told me that the moment I started limiting her friends was the moment she would hand back her collar. I learned and remembered.
“Your will,” as said by a Tsurani is said in the context of the Tsurani culture. As cerrynn said it, it is within the context of our relationship and here we differ from the Tsurani philosophy. That context involves, for example, my commitment never to ask her to do something illegal or immoral (by our standards). It also involves cerrynn's right to choose whether an order *should* be obeyed. Sacrilege again? No. If I were to give her an order when I was not entirely compos mentis, due to alcohol, drugs, illness or something similar, then she has the right to ignore that order and make her own decision without fear of recrimination or retribution from me. That may sound obvious but I wonder how many have actually thought about it. We have thought about it, discussed it and put a mechanism in place.
Reading this through, there is a tone which some might interpret as arrogance. If so, you would be mistaken. There is a certainty that this is right for *us* and that is a wholly different matter. We discuss, analyse, dissect even, our relationship constantly – though probably indirectly as a rule – and in doing so we remain on our path, the road we chose to follow when our journey began. Where we will end up I have no idea – it is the journey that matters.
Ai shiteru, cerrynn-chan.
Matou
Edited Sun 25 Jan 04, 6:34 AM by Matou
