Abuse and Anger (0)

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alexandraa
Posted by alexandraa on Wed 27 Sep 06, 10:41 PM

It was a long time ago. I lived with anger without realising it. I don't know why I didn't realise it. I don't think I twigged actually until the relationship was in total meltdown, about 5 years ago now. I'd started talking to Colbeh already by then and he said, you know you are in an abusive relationship don't you? I knew at that point that I was but hadn't truly faced that fact until that moment. The first of many things he made me face.

Why do we make excuses for people that treat us badly? Why do we blame ourselves for other people's anger? Anger hasn't been part of my life since that time. But back then my day operated around my partner's anger. I had a whole set of avoidance and deflection behaviours. Which basically meant he completely controlled me through his anger. I'd move heaven and earth to make sure nothing could upset him.

I haven't thought about it in a long, long time. Gone, past, done with. Some things aren't worth dwelling on. Then at work on Tuesday there was an incident. A manager of one of the teams reporting to me blew up at one of his staff in front of me. Hmmmm, I started shaking. OK, can't let this pass I thought, so went to see him privately. He was brimming with anger. It flowed out of him, surrounding him like some fierce fetid cloud. Sick and stinking.

I was very calm but had to work so, so, so hard at remaining so. Pushed and questioned him, got him to face his behaviour and recognise it was unacceptable and out of proportion. He admitted he had anger issues. It was a good feeling to bring him back to earth but a battle of words, wills and calmness.

Afterwards I retreated to my office absolutely shaking. My whole body trembling. Weak as a baby and feeling not unlike that trembly shaky moment after a severe SM session, but completely without the high and of course no arms to melt in to. The adrenalin I suppose. When I thought about it I realised this man had triggered an immense amount of fear within me.

You think you've left things well behind, that you've healed and moved on then something happens and it seems like yesterday. Never again though.

I've learnt many things from many good friends over the past few years but Colbeh in particular has taught me so much, about relationships, sex, life, people, it's endless. It seems a mystery to me that I ever was in a position to be abused. Our experiences make us what we are and I have no regrets, just a sense of astonishment that I ever lost so much self respect and self awareness.

When you have a friend who values you to an almost incomprehensible degree you can't help but have a huge amount of self respect. Control through negative pressure is something that will never be a part of my life again. And the fear the memories bring back will never see reality again. It's just an echo really. Quickly gone and soon forgotten.


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