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IC : Weblogs : PFLsAgain : "A Mooving Tale of Countryside Tragedy Featuring Scenes of Picnic Devastation"
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A Mooving Tale of Countryside Tragedy Featuring Scenes of Picnic Devastation (14)
PFLsAgain's profile
Posted by PFLsAgain on Sun 24 Sep 06, 4:20 PM
It was an idyllic spot really. There we were sitting by the side of a crystal clear stream watching an eccentric old dog diving for stones, denuding the river bed in a madly otterish way. The sky was beautifully blue, the picnic was rapidly becoming history and then tragedy struck.
Moooo!
It's an odd way for an afternoon to be ruined.
A small band of cows on the other side of the river ambled up to the bank and in their characteristically docile manner they announced their presence and then carried on with the business of the day, which is the business of every bovine day, that of chewing the cud. What a perfect addition to the scene I mused while regretting that Mildred wasn't there to see her fellow creatures, but then, being the excitable kind of bovine, maybe she didn't want to meet her stay-at-home country cousins. I'd have to rib her on her relatives when I got home. My stream of consciousness was interrupted by shrieks from my non-bovine companion. "Cows! There are cows!"
A somewhat redundant observation you might think and I tend to agree. I muttered under my breath about what on earth did I expect was going to happen when I volunteered to take somebody's elderly great aunt for a walk, but my grumbling inner dialogue wasn't allowed to go any further. Instead I was subjected to a barrage of anti-cow propaganda with little empathy for Mildred's feelings. Apparently cows are evil creatures that wilfully attack innocent human beings when they least expect it. Most marvellous of all in this theory is that most of the victims are apparently elderly women walking on their own. Now I tend to put the unexplained injuries and unaccountable absences of the latter down to excessive high spirits, or spirits of some kind at least, but no, I was firmly assured that it is due to roving herds of killer cows.
It seems that my hilarity at the abrupt ending of our picnic was not at all appreciated and my doubting of this tale is an act of cynical betrayal. I was assured of reams of evidence which would be hitting my inbox shortly, but alas, I have waited weeks without it arriving. So last night I thought that I would do the research myself with the aid of that fine tool: Google.
Of course everything you read on the internet is true and to be sure, I found a tale of killer cows. In a remarkable contribution to the genre, a brave American cow, operating to the north of San Francisco threw itself at a car, bounced off said vehicle and hit a lorry instantly killing the driver. Not content with that, it re-bounded into another lorry but sadly ran out of momentum and ended its killing spree sprawled out on the highway. It wasn't noted if that act earned it the bovine equivalent of the Darwin award.
The internet also assures me that a falling cow killed a farmer somewhere outside of Zagreb, that it is illegal to frown at cows in Bladworth, Saskatchewan, and that cow tipping is a myth. However to the embarrassment of my elderly companion, it appears that in the last 10 years only 8 people were killed by cows in the UK. Unfortunate for them of course, but hardly adding up to a vast and hidden conspiracy. I'm tempted to tell her to pull the udder one, but I fear she would, if only for revenge at such a horrible pun.
I am shortly to revisit the scene of this unfortunate occurrence and will have to present the results of my research. If I'm never heard from again, suspect cows!
(In a once-only offering, I'm opening replies to allow counter-evidence to be produced. I suspect no replies will be forthcoming).
Replies
24 Sep 06, 4:33 PM
Telesto
UK, 4 yrs  |
it's pretty obvious that a cow/bull can kill you if they want to. they have a significant weight advantage.
sounds like your relative has reasons to be bovine aware.
fortunately most cows just go with the flow. |
24 Sep 06, 4:50 PM
DillyTante
UK, 3 yrs
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PFLsAgain wrote:
(In a once-only offering, I'm opening replies to allow counter-evidence to be produced. I suspect no replies will be forthcoming).
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Your suspicions, along with your horribly biased evidence, are misplaced.
Not of course, that I've much invested personally in this subject. The fact that the proximity of cows, can turn my legs to water and my thoughts to flight, is irrelevant. The truth is always important and I'm here as its advocate.
It's sensible to fear cows, as opposed to, oh I don't know... spiders for example.
Can spiders gang up and squash a human being? Exactly.
Good grief Ms. Again! I'm dismayed that you of all people have chosen to perpetuate and disseminate, the dangerous myth of the placid and harmless bovine.
Here are some links for you, which I've just stumbled across. Casually of course. It's not as if I've a dossier on the subject.
This poor chap, only just managed to escape.
Then there is this and this and
this
Perhaps you didn't feed Google with appropriate fodder, as evidence to support my case (um, perhaps that should read the case), is endless.
Cows kill. Be warned.
Bah! Dilly
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24 Sep 06, 4:53 PM
DillyTante
UK, 3 yrs
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Telesto wrote:
it's pretty obvious that a cow/bull can kill you if they want to. they have a significant weight advantage.
sounds like your relative has reasons to be bovine aware.
fortunately most cows just go with the flow.
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Indeed, you sensible person!
 Dilly
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24 Sep 06, 5:11 PM
PFLsAgain
UK, 3 yrs
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DillyTante wrote:
It's sensible to fear cows, as opposed to, oh I don't know... spiders for example. |
You've clearly never met a Black Widow then. Or perhaps a Tarantula or a Brown Recluse or many others of their ilk? Entire websites are dedicated to killer spiders in exactly the same way that they aren't for cows!
Of course your extensive dossier compiled over many years, the prime examples of which you cited, signally fail to substantiate your claims of killer cows.
Mildred remains placidly aloof "I learned what every dreaming child needs to know - no horizon is so far that you cannot see above or beyond it." ~ Beryl Markham (first pilot to cross the Atlantic solo the hard way - East to West)
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24 Sep 06, 5:19 PM
DillyTante
UK, 3 yrs
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PFLsAgain wrote:
You've clearly never met a Black Widow then. Or perhaps a Tarantula or a Brown Recluse or many others of their ilk?
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Well. No. I was thinking more specifically about the UK and the hordes who fear spiders here, for no other reason than they don't like the look of 'em.
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Entire websites are dedicated to killer spiders in exactly the same way that they aren't for cows!
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Yes. Well. So? It's a RURAL CONSPIRACY. This means that of course, it's not splattered all over the internet. It wouldn't be a successful conspiracy, if it were, now would it?
Of course your extensive dossier compiled over many years, [...] |
I don't have a dossier. Who told you I had a dossier? I don't. Um...
| [...] the prime examples of which you cited, signally fail to substantiate your claims of killer cows. |
Eh? If people are squashed to death by cows, then surely that must make the cows, killers? Personally, I think that cows ought to be slaughtered, in the public interest.
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Mildred remains placidly aloof
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Mildred can kiss my rump steak  Dilly
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24 Sep 06, 5:23 PM
PFLsAgain
UK, 3 yrs
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DillyTante wrote:
| [...] the prime examples of which you cited, signally fail to substantiate your claims of killer cows. |
Eh? If people are squashed to death by cows, then surely that must make the cows, killers? Personally, I think that cows ought to be slaughtered, in the public interest. |
Er, none of them died, so at best the cows were incompetent or just misleading you.
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Mildred can kiss my rump steak
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She's already disturbed enough that we're having steak for dinner, a suggestion such as yours would doubtless send her over the edge! "I learned what every dreaming child needs to know - no horizon is so far that you cannot see above or beyond it." ~ Beryl Markham (first pilot to cross the Atlantic solo the hard way - East to West)
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24 Sep 06, 5:30 PM
DillyTante
UK, 3 yrs
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PFLsAgain wrote:
DillyTante wrote:
Eh? If people are squashed to death by cows, then surely that must make the cows, killers? Personally, I think that cows ought to be slaughtered, in the public interest. |
Er, none of them died, so at best the cows were incompetent or just misleading you.
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Ah well. Cows are notorious for lying by omission, too. I've not looked at those links for a while. I thought they referred to fatalities. Dammit. Those people could have died though, couldn't they?
Well, it's true anyway. So there!
Pah! And bah! You'll be sorry, when you wake up dead one day, squashed beyond recognition.
Dilly
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24 Sep 06, 5:33 PM
DevilRob
UK, 3 yrs
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The reason that there's very little evidence of Bovine homicidal tendencies is this; not many people live to tell the tale!
Consider this, there are anti-venoms for Spider bites, repellant to ward off Sharks and special ammunition you can pack if you go a wandering through snake infested areas, so why has science failed to develop a cow repellant? Because no one believes that such docile looking creatures are really cold blooded killing machines, and why does no one believe this? Because the cows don't leave any evidence!
It's the biggest cover up since Roswell!
xx
Rob
'Fast is fine but accuracy is forever"~Wyatt Earp
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24 Sep 06, 5:36 PM
DillyTante
UK, 3 yrs
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DevilRob wrote:
The reason that there's very little evidence of Bovine homicidal tendencies is this; not many people live to tell the tale!
[...]
It's the biggest cover up since Roswell!
xx
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Exactly! Dilly
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24 Sep 06, 5:45 PM
PFLsAgain
UK, 3 yrs
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DevilRob wrote:
It's the biggest cover up since Roswell!
xx
Rob
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That's it! You'll be telling me about plans for the Da Vinci Cow next! In the face of such overwhelming support for the ludicrous cow conspiracies I'm giving up my attempt to bring reason to the subject and I'll simply thank my lucky stars that I have Mildred to moo by my side.
Sheesh! "I learned what every dreaming child needs to know - no horizon is so far that you cannot see above or beyond it." ~ Beryl Markham (first pilot to cross the Atlantic solo the hard way - East to West)
Edited 24 Sep 06, 6:33 PM by PFLsAgain
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