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| Brindle |
on Thu 14 Sep 06, 6:01 PM to Brindle's blog.
Despite being a sadist I'm proud to say that I've never killed, physically tormented or harmed another fellow creature that couldn't and hasn't/didn't willing give consent.
By nature I'm relatively peaceful. I head rapidly towards the "diplomatic' role in confrontation, I try hard not to threaten someone with the consequences of their actions unless pushed to do so, I make valiant attempts to warn those around me of the possibility of my losing my temper (an important factor in making, keeping, retaining friends these days as I can only think of two individuals that'd survive it), I have guilt pangs over neglecting my little dog and Fred, I worry about my friends and my family, I respond to requests for help when I can (and even on occasion when I can't), I've even shared the contents of my cupboards with those in need at the expense of myself and Honey-dog on more than one occasion.
I've been bullied, lied to, cheated on, left to starve, stolen from, isolated, threatened, physically and verbally abused, subject to attempts at emotional blackmail, kept in a state of almost permanent trauma and stress for the last 12mths (resulting at times in being rendered bed-ridden as a result of it's affect on my physical health) and have spent the last 9 months trying to get the canker out of my life. .
I've been betrayed emotionally, physically and mentally by the one person who was supposed to care for me and ALWAYS be there to offer succour. Betrayed to depths I can't even bring myself to discuss by the one person in the world who swore to me - and whom I trusted - that they'd be true.
I've an outstanding gas bill of nearly £1500, threatening letters from the bailiffs over the council tax, all the utilities, am being harassed for outstanding monies/debts I didn't know existed on his behalf, am being bombarded by grief from so called "ex's", am losing 2/3 days at a time through ill health... and am in danger of losing my home.
The last thing I needed was to discover a so called friend has also been consistently and increasingly stealing from me over the last 6 wks.
Missing - presumed dead:-
4 personal cheques with outstanding queries on them to sort out before being cashed - but where's there's a will here's a way....
various items of personal jewelry (including a victorian miniature silver mirror - a copy of a dressing table mirror, chased on the back and handle, which I used to wear on a necklace, and was given to me by an elderly friend many yrs ago as a keepsake. It has HUGE sentimental value as she was 82 and I was 11 and she was the first 'older' adult I'd really connected to and she taught me so much about the wider view of life)
2 pairs of virtually new boots boots (including my NEW ROCKS! *SOB*)
2 odd shoes (including one size 35 Valentino red satin sling-back stiletto, peep toe, approx. value .. er.. what's the value on half of a pair of shoes that retailed at £360? Anyone know? Similar for the Jimmy Choos...)
assorted items of clothing
assorted items of make-up (Ok - I know, I know... yr thinking "WTF? A couple of lipsticks? What's she bitching about?" but these were limited edition Chanel items in colours that I CAN'T replace... it took me over 5YRS to find that red lip gloss! Tat matt dark red lipstick! That nail varnish!.. never mind the fact that the items would total over £300 to replace)
..... a KEY.....
And this is on top of, as I mentioned, the sharing of freezer contents, phone credits, rescuing her grief and poverty and allowing her and er son to stay with me using my gas and electricity and eating my cupboards bare 3 weekends in a row... despite me turning up and sorting out her life at the expense of my own... despite ME having to sort out her lad (8yrs old, thinking his mum's been drugged and robbed and left to struggle on his own for 2 days, yet I was the one to put feed them both, his mum to bed, sort out the sofa for him, wait up 2hrs for him to come back from a MUCH needed break with a friend at 2am, make him a cuppa - I've no kettle btw - put him to bed, set an alarm for the middle of the night (about 5ish) to wake his mum up and check I didn't need to take her to casualty, have to cope with her the next morning, and STILL get up (well, FALL out of bed and downstairs to be precise seeing as I could barely stand) to have to make him a drink and 'breakfast' at pushing 2 'O'clock the next day.. by which time she was up and about I hasten to add - but behaving very very oddly...
hence the ..er... confirmation of suspected losses/activities and subsequent confrontation at 4am the following morning
This was either 2 or 3 weekends ago and to say it's knocked me sideways (on top of everything else) is an understatement of the highest order.
I've known this lass for just about a year but I'd have trusted her with just about anything - access to my home and possessions being but the tip of the iceberg. But trust her I did. Because I always thought she was on my side. Felt she was one of the few voices of sanity that stuck around, kept in touch when I wasn't capable of making contact, and spoke up for me with the biker et al. Told me I wasn't going insane.
I'd have given her a lot and done a lot for her for that - or what I THOUGHT that was, as loyalty is worth a TREMENDOUS amount to me. Not materially, but emotionally.
I knew she was a risk. I could see the evidence for myself, never mind teh rumors and comments from those that knew her but liked to gossip and play games of their own. But I had faith in her. I ALWAYS believed that, although she'd fall from grace occasionally, she'd come through. That is was more a matter of being surrounded by the wrong people, taken advantage of and bullied - never encouraged to have a sense of self and be who she said she wanted to be.
Not that I was ever arrogant enough to think "Oh me, Oh mighty Brindle, shall come and transform yr life!" or any of that crap... I just wanted to show that it's possible to be loved and to love in return for no reason other than the fact hat you want to...c os you like the person you love and want them to be happy. Which means you help out when you can. Give and take on both sides with no accounting, no pressure, no wish to create a cage or a crutch - just a desire to help set each other back on each others feet, to give each other the ability to cope with life, independent of as WELL as in tandem/partnership with others... and to see if we couldn't figure out along the way how to be happy doing so....
But I had faith in her. I wanted to have faith i suppose, which was a factor, but ffs - someone has to come forward and give it to each of us, in some context or another, no matter in what way, how apparently 'small' or 'insignificant' to those who on the outside of that emotional bargain, that contract... somewhere, somehow, at some point, SOMEONE steps forward out of the darkness and says "Here... rescue's this-a-ways.. follow me if you're interested...." They may not even know they are doing it, or it may never be explicitly expressed between them.
But it happens.
All the fucking time.
I'm not stupid. I'm ILL. There's a DIFFERENCE! A BIG difference. It may take me a while to catch up - especially if I'm run down and you know how to push my triggers... but then again.. you're my FRIEND.. you're not supposed to DO that! I shouldn't HVAE to hide away my things or put them under lock and key when you are in my home! ESPECIALLY not after having seen what I've been through in that regard over the last year ... not having been a victim yourself.... but ah.. then.. now.. THAT provides perfect fodder for the establishment of trust.
Doesn't it?
*sigh*
But what can I do?
To turn off compassion? Acceptance? Tolerance? warmth? To turn away from love? from human contact?
Just because I no longer wish to be hurt?
I can't do that.
That's not life
I've been there and done that and it made me seriously ill to the point where i doubted my sense of self. My sense of my own identity and nature. My own sanity, My humanity.
I can't go there again.
So...
Roll on the third strike I suppose...
But it DOES make me wonder.. what on earth I did. I swear it's the first time I've really come to believe in the possibility of re-incarnation and suffering for past sins in another life..as fuck me.. I just don't get it this time round...
I know I'm not perfect, I can be a bitch to live with and a pushy cow at times. But I'm not evil (I don't think!) or malignant or manipulative (unless you want me to be...) So I fuck up occasionally. So I'm human. So shoot me! At least I TRY and recognise it and fix it when I do.
All I've ever tried to do is to love those close to me and care for them and allow them their freedom.
Is that so wrong?
| 14 Sep 06, 6:06 PM caprycorn UK(M), 8 yrs |
No love, it's not so wrong. It's just that some people see an open person and think "mug" and treat one as such. One reason why I'm so cynical now I guess and I've not been through that sort of mill that you have. Time to sit back and maybe take stock? You know where we are etc if you need us xxx My imaginary friend thinks that you have a problem | |
| 14 Sep 06, 7:19 PM Sweetiejar UK(S), 11 yrs |
Having had my own good nature taken advantage of far too many times to count I know exactly where you are coming from. But change and you would not be being true to yourself. If there is anything I can do to help then shout up, you are only 30 or so minutes up the M1. xxxx Sweetiejar | |
| 14 Sep 06, 10:47 PM Brindle UK(HD), 8 yrs |
Thank-you, both. It's not so much the disappointment or the being 'had' aspects that are the worst thing (it's happened before and will do again I'm sure, but like I said, I can't switch 'me' off...especially when I've fought so hard for the right to be so!), it's the fact tat she'd seen some of what I'd gone through and then found out a lot more, had been to some extent a victim of him too... and STILL she let me down SO badly, so QUICKLY and in such SIMILAR ways... taking such personal things too... Even I found the callousness of that, within a matter of weeks, hard to take. And even harder to try and forgive*. Especially when I'm trying hard to to think of the ramifications in respect to the 'support' she gave me all those months and how she's been since July But that way madness DOES lie. So I'm trying really hard not to digress of down that path with only the fairies for company... x *You see, NOT forgiving would CURRENTLY result in a serious networking, a major fly-posting campaign (seeing as I have one half of some SERIOUS shoes here!) and some mild slaughter... all of which as likely to be somewhat emotionally fraught, physically stressful and generally fatiguing. And NONE of which are good for me (never mind the karma repercussions!). So all told forgiveness is the way to go I feel... ---------§-�---------- Edited 14 Sep 06, 11:21 PM by Brindle |
