Posted by domspaintoy
on Sat 9 Sep 06, 10:20 PM to domspaintoy's blog.
.. Emotionally im in a place i dont want to be, i dont know if i want to be here at all. It is too hard!, My mother never prepared me for times like this.
i have many things that are being thrown at me at the moment, my middle daughter is causing me so much heartache, my 1st 'baby' (my sister who is 10 years younger than me and really is going) is emigrating to NZ in January, but goes back-packing at the end of the month (again) to Nepal and India and the like, so once she goes i dont know when i will get to see her again, she truely is so precious to me, my brother went back to Oz where he lives a few weeks ago and i miss Him so much its an ache, i have the usual financial problems that go hand in hand with being a single parent and then to top it off, im starting University on the 25th of this month and i really am doubting my and Master's wisdom and my capabilities.
i have had to change tack a few times in order to combat the problems and issues, it hurts me in that i dont 'feel' He understands, but in the same breath i know full well He does. It hurts me because i know He will be hurt in that i feel that He doesnt. It hurts me in that He might think im just being bratty because i was a down right ungrateful, unappreciate bitch earlier.
That thought makes me heartsick.
i have ranged and raged through the day, i woke knowing id had a rather vivid dream regarding Him and someone else and didnt mention it to Him, i believe it set my mind for the day. As the day progressed i have systematically gone about upsetting everyone i have come into contact with and spoken to, from my daughters to my sister to my Master and not once was it an intentional or a deliberate act. i have pushed to a point i wanted to be released and i wrote texts and formulated conversations in my head as to why and how, even though i know with all that i am, it is the furthest thing from my mind, it is not what i want, but i tried today to initialise the end, He deserves better than the whinging selfish spiteful moody bitch that i have been today and not just today, He is and has been so tolerant.
i feel the biggest mistake i ever made was telling Him i love Him because by doing so i let Him in, and i hadnt let anyone in for so long, it was my one defence. My kids know i love them because i never stop telling them, my 2 closest friends know i love them, my family know i love them, what i never expected or wanted intially was to fall in love! But it stands to reason i would, He holds my very essence in His palm and i know He will never abuse it, but i had such trouble in allowing myself to believe, feel, allow or even give myself permission to Love another Man that i wasnt prepared for when i did. Even though the relationship W/we have is precisely what i dreamt of and have wished for.
i always believed that because ive been a good mum who had morals and sensibilities that i would sail through the teenage years of my poor daughters and or that i would be the 'perfect' mum who would listen without interupting or forcing my opinion on them and sadly over the last few weeks i have realised im far from the ideal, that im far too critical, judgemental and opinionated and i dont allow them to be themselves but who i want them to be and the most i dare dream of for them is that they are individuals and go through life knowing they made the correct decision for themselves at 'that' time!
i truely feel i have failed badly today both as a parent who wants nothing more than to be the supportive, approachable and loving mum i was desperate for when i was a 14/15 year old and the loving, supportive, appreciative, responsive, slave i was born to be. i sadly feel i desperately disappointed Master today (again), i desperately let myself down as a mother and have tried to rationalise my feelings in all aspects and i still feel a massive let down and why do they bother with someone like me, the only response i can truely respond with is because they love me, but i have to say with all honesty today is a day i truely havent and dont deserve it!
To my daughters, i love them all equally and immensely, as always my life is theirs and i will always be there to support and protect to the best of my ability.
To my Parents and Siblings, always and forever will i be the loving daughter and sister, through their eyes i will see the world.
To my Master, You are my world, i will endeavour to be the slave you wish for and deserve, i thank God for You!
XXX
Edited Sun 10 Sep 06, 11:48 AM by domspaintoy
| 9 Sep 06, 10:30 PM electricfog UK, 7 yrs |
Two days ago it was Full Moon - that screws everyone up. Don't worry about studying - just have fun and do some work once in a while. STOP beating yourself about the head with the 'Bad Mummy Stick'. My mother died five months ago, three days before my birthday, and two days before I was going to stay with her. I can honestly say I'd rather have my mum back in the middle of one of our EVIL fights when I was a teenager than feel the way I do now. One day your daughters will unfortunately appreciate the wisdom of this. Relax, there are people who love you and people whom you love. After that, even matching socks are a bonus. | |
| 9 Sep 06, 11:27 PM silversub1947 UK, 5 yrs |
Try not to beat yourself up. We bring children into this world, but they have to live their own lives and make their own mistakes. All we as mothers can do is always be there for them when they need us. Same goes for families. The people you love love you - just let them. They love you for who you are, a human being who has the frailties and insecurities we all share from time to time, but who has so much to give. Learn to love yourself - and accept that you are loved. And never be afraid to open up your heart to someone you care about as deeply as you obviously do your Master. Once I was lost, now I'm just confused and not sure where I'm going | |
| 10 Sep 06, 12:05 PM masterredd UK, 6 yrs |
Lovely thoughts slut, and you'd better be the slave I wish for and deserve or you will be severely punished as you know!
You are most pleasing most of the time slave - and the times you are not you just remind yourself that you are human, no one expects you to be perfect ALL the time, not even me! Do not beat yourself up - thats an order and its also my job! |
