A Seafarer's Snog. (8)

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DillyTante
Posted by DillyTante on Sat 9 Sep 06, 10:37 AM

This week, I've resumed interrupted lessons with an elderly lady, who I number among one of my dearest friends. She wants to learn how to use her computer. I want to teach her. With wry understatement, I admit this shared ambition, doesn't always guarantee success.

For much of 2006, we've not met for this purpose, choosing instead, to opt for walks and talks together. This suited me for a variety of reasons, one of which was my preference to stay out of the way, of her eighty-two year old, husband.

The Ancient Mariner, is a dominant, upper middle-class, embittered reactionary, exiled from his beloved ocean; his true mistress. He's also something of a coherent and adversarial, drunk. That said, I'm very fond of him too, because he's a helluva character. Wickedly confrontational, I'm told he inspires nervous caution, in the more conventional amongst their social set. I like him a lot. He's great fun.

This time last year, I was invited to dine with them, for the first time. They both drink a great deal and while generally, I can sink a glass or two without disgracing myself, with these two I'm wholly outclassed.

The evening, was my first proper opportunity to get to know The Ancient Mariner. He was already ratted, when I arrived and promptly began interviewing me, with an aggression Jeremy Paxman himself, might have envied.

My friend, was uncomfortable. Periodically, she remonstrated with her husband, fearing my offence. It's pretty difficult to offend me however, so as the evening wore on and the drink flowed, I enjoyed the escalated sparring and my friend relaxed.

Towards the end of the night, having extracted more than half of my peculiar curriculum vitae and pedigree, The Ancient Mariner established that I enjoyed writing. He demanded an explanation of the nature of my scribbles. At the time, I'd recently begun to write here on IC, so vaguely, I admitted to submitting pieces of whimsy and an occasional article to 'a website' . He pounced upon the second and demanded clarification.

Sometimes, it really doesn't pay, to play chicken with me.

On wicked impulse, I stared The Ancient Mariner squarely in the eye and replied, "I write articles, about the psychology and practise of sexual perversions."

(Look! I know, I know! It's the grandiose equivalent of calling a dustman a 'Refuse Management Operative', but I was a bit pissed and full of devilment! What can I say?)

I smashed my winning volley into his side of the court and he reeled. His face, was a stopped clock. Victory was mine.

Hah!

There was shocked silence for one long second, before his wife roared with laughter, at my answer and his discomfort.

The evening drew to a natural close. Half-cut, I retrieved my belongings from the kitchen. To my surprise, I found The Ancient Mariner blocking my return path. I perceived what followed, in much the same way I've experienced traffic accidents.

Time slowed.

Heavens (I observed sleepily, with some amusement), it looks as if he's about to kiss me.

Good grief! (I thought, in remote alarm), he is going to kiss me.

Oh DEAR (shocked past coherent thought), he's kissing me!

I stood transfixed while he perpetrated a tongue-less, spit-less, but nonetheless thorough snog, upon my passive lips.

Kiss concluded, I think I may have offered a polite smile, as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred. I made my farewells to them both and proceeded upon my astounded way home.

A few hours later, I retrieved some startled eyebrows from my hairline. And chuckled.

Since then, neither of us, have alluded to 'The Kiss'. That poor man, who I know loves his wife dearly, was subsequently mortified. For months afterwards, his deep discomfort, his fear of me, was palpable. After a year, he's just about at ease with me again.

He needn't have fretted. I'm not inclined to rock boats, particularly those of Ancient Mariners. Anyway. I've never been snogged by one so ancient before and I was tickled by the novelty and surprise, of the experience.

And besides. A kiss, is just a kiss.

Isn't it?

Replies

9 Sep 06, 11:14 AM
bohemian
4 yrs Tsk, so I take it you didn't blow on the sailors hornpipe then? x
All along the ancient wastes the thin reflections spin, That gather all the times and tides at once we love within...

9 Sep 06, 11:57 AM
DillyTante
UK, 3 yrs

bohemian wrote:
Tsk, so I take it you didn't blow on the sailors hornpipe then? x
Shame on you bohemian. Here I am, describing the secret, passionate, (occasionally rheumatic), underbelly of ToyTown and what you you do? You take my brief but sensitive account and besmirch it, with salty innuendo.
You're busting to make a Seaman Staines joke, aren't you? I can tell
Dilly
Slip-sliding off a fence.
Edited 9 Sep 06, 12:05 PM by DillyTante

9 Sep 06, 12:39 PM
PFLsAgain
UK, 3 yrs

DillyTante wrote:
Heavens (I observed sleepily, with some amusement), it looks as if he's about to kiss me.
Good grief! (I thought, in remote alarm), he is going to kiss me.
Oh DEAR (shocked past coherent thought), he's kissing me!
So it was a seaman's mission then...
"I learned what every dreaming child needs to know - no horizon is so far that you cannot see above or beyond it." ~ Beryl Markham (first pilot to cross the Atlantic solo the hard way - East to West)

9 Sep 06, 3:26 PM
DillyTante
UK, 3 yrs

PFLsAgain wrote:

DillyTante wrote:
Oh DEAR (shocked past coherent thought), he's kissing me!
So it was a seaman's mission then...
Wretch!
It occurs to me that had I responded, it might have become a suicide mission
Dilly

9 Sep 06, 8:51 PM
Cicero
UK, 7 yrs
Your Ancient Mariner may not have been quite as surprised as you think. Sailing vessels have the potential to be a pervert's paradise, being amply equipped with ropes, chains, shackles, cleats etc.
A certain Royal Yacht Club, which I shall forbear to name, recently had a workshop on whipping and lashing, to the amusement of certain members.

Cicero

9 Sep 06, 9:07 PM
electricfog
UK, 4 yrs

Cicero wrote:
A certain Royal Yacht Club, which I shall forbear to name, recently had a workshop on whipping and lashing, to the amusement of certain members.

And certain potential members ...

9 Sep 06, 9:11 PM
DillyTante
UK, 3 yrs

Cicero wrote:
Your Ancient Mariner may not have been quite as surprised as you think. Sailing vessels have the potential to be a pervert's paradise, being amply equipped with ropes, chains, shackles, cleats etc.
Hmmm. In a subsequent conversation today, I found myself speculating similarly, about The Ancient Mariner. Although, my theory varied in the specifics from yours. With amusement I can tell you, that with your contribution here, an accumulating consensus appears to suggest that The Ancient Mariner, must be, has to be, kinky!

A certain Royal Yacht Club, which I shall forbear to name, recently had a workshop on whipping and lashing, to the amusement of certain members.
Oh. Will they be holding follow-up courses on Rum and Sodomy?

Dilly

9 Sep 06, 9:39 PM
Cicero
UK, 7 yrs

DillyTante wrote:
Oh. Will they be holding follow-up courses on Rum and Sodomy?

I'm buggered if I know...
Cicero


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