Posted by cerrynn1 on Mon 13 Sep 04, 2:23 PM to cerrynn1's blog.
Center's recent weblog on "being monogamous" invited responses, so here's mine for what it's worth. This is something I've touched on before in past weblogs ... issues of mono- and poly- relationships, jealousy, playing with others ... so I run the risk of repeating myself here, and probably also risk boring my handful of regular readers to a shameful degree. But I did have a couple of new thoughts on it all, for center and anyone else who may be pondering these topics.
In one part of her log, she wrote "a Master can demand that you play with someone else apart from Him etc and this is seen to be fairly normal".
Well ... yes and no. I'm not sure there is such a thing as "normal", or even fairly normal, where BDSM and D/s are concerned. There is (in my opinion) only what individuals, in all their infinite variety, choose to do ...
I know that *some* Dominants choose to do what center describes. I've always assumed that if a submissive complied with being ordered to play with someone else, that this aspect of their play (and their relationship) had been discussed and negotiated first (e.g. "IF you become my submissive I WILL occasionally [or frequently, as the case may be] give you to others, or order you to perform sex acts with others ... if that's NOT ok with you, you had best find another Dominant." "Well, what if we discuss potential 'others' first, before you order me to do things with them, so that you can know if I feel all right about them?" "Um, ok, that works for me." Or something like that).
At least I hope this is the case, that negotiation and consent underlie those apparent "demands". I've seen a couple of situations which have worried me because I had the feeling the submissive really wasn't all that happy about being "given" to other dominants, but was going along with it because s/he felt that this was "what 'real' subs/slaves do." In other words, they did it because they thought (or had been told) that it was "normal" for BDSMers to do this. And for some people it *is* normal. But not for everyone.
For instance, I know plenty of *other* people who see *all* of their BDSM play as deeply private, as essentially indistinguishable from sex ... and as such, they would never *dream* of having a scene with anyone except their Significant Other. In their eyes, *they* are "normal", and sometimes they find it hard to understand how some people can be in a committed relationship and still be able to play with others, because for *them* playing with others would constitute infidelity.
Of course, Matou and I also have seen a few people who won't allow their partners to play with others for -- we suspect -- other reasons besides the monogamy/fidelity issue, although that is often presented as The Reason. Sometimes one can't help but wonder if that really *is* The Reason, or whether their reluctance to allow anyone else near their sub or Dom doesn't perhaps have more to do with their own insecurities. Perhaps they fear that if their partner/spouse/whatever were to play with someone else, that "someone else" might prove to be more experienced, more skilled, more "responsive", more ... *something*. Perhaps they fear that if that "someone else" is "better than them" (whatever that means), that their partner will leave them.
Simply put, they are jealous.
Matou and I were talking about this yesterday when I began drafting this blog. We both agreed that neither of us would describe ourselves, or our relationship, as "monogamous" per se. As I have mentioned before in my other weblogs, and as those of you who know us personally are aware, Matou and I do play with others. Moreover, we both play sexually with others. For us, at least right now, that usually does not include penetrative sex (by which I mean, for those who like things spelled out, fellatio, cunnilingus, penile- vaginal and/or penile-anal intercourse). Those are things -- *so far* -- that we choose to reserve for each other. Yet we have not ruled out the possibility that our scenes or play or relationships with others *may* at some point involve such activities. As I have also written elsewhere, as the Dominant in our relationship Matou has the right to do whatever he wants, with whomever he wants, assuming our agreed principles concerning safer-sex precautions are followed. If I want to play with someone else -- and especially if I ever wanted to do something, um, "penetrative" with someone else -- I would ask Matou's permission first, and abide by his decision.
So no ... we are not "monogamous". But I think we *are* faithful to each other.
For us, and I think for quite a few other BDSM and D/s couples in committed relationships, "faithfulness" and "fidelity" are not tied to the question of who we may choose to do sexual things with. They are tied to being *honest* with each other. We are confident in the bond that exists between us ... we both know that regardless of who either of us may play with, or even "have sex" with, that as long as we are honest with each other about it the bond will still be there and that neither of us need feel jealous, insecure or threatened.
I have no idea if our philosophy on this issue would be seen as "fairly normal" by others in the BDSM-D/s scene or not. But it really doesn't matter, because it works for us.
Ai shiteru, Sensei ... itsumo.
*your* cerrynn{M}
Edited Mon 13 Sep 04, 2:39 PM by cerrynn1
