Posted by cerrynn1 on Thu 12 Aug 04, 10:56 AM to cerrynn1's blog.
First the kudos ... to caprycorn (yesterday's weblog) and to unDIMinished{D} for brilliant, cogent and sensible comments on this most pernicious topic. I can't resist adding a few of my own reflections, but really they have already said it all. Because the most recent weblogs on the subject have focused on "submission" and its variants I will stick with that, but everything I will say below applies just as well to the dominant side of things. That said, let the rantings begin.
Normally, I am all in favour of establishing clear, mutually-agreed-upon definitions of key terms when engaging in any kind of discussion or debate. But I am beginning to think that when we start talking about "submission", "submissives", or "levels" or "types" of submission (or dominance for that matter), that the process of defining terms becomes a pointless exercise. Like krystle, for the sake of convenience I do self-identify (at least within BDSM, D/s or general-"Scene" environments) as "a submissive". But, as caprycorn (and one or two others) pointed out so very well, that doesn't say everything about me, or about my relationship with Matou. And if anyone were to expect me to behave predictably in any given circumstance based on their preconceived notions of what "a submissive" should do, or what "submission" is perceived to mean ... well, let's just say they might be surprised when they see me in action.
Further, I have begun to think that the all-too-common obsession with figuring out whether one is a "bottom" or a "submissive" or a "slave" is NOT just a harmless exercise in semantics. I think it might be particularly harmful for people new to BDSM-D/s to get too wrapped up in this kind of self-labelling.
Some self-examination, especially when one is new, *is* of course necessary. Some basic idea of whether you primarily enjoy controlling or being controlled, flogging or being flogged ... and of course you might realise you want and enjoy *both*. Once you've sorted that out, yes, labels come in handy when finding the right people to help you realise your desires. The problem comes when you start trying to change who you are to fit someone else's arbitrary definition.
Suppose you decide that yes, you truly enjoy being controlled by a person you love and respect. You enjoy power exchange, you eroticise and enjoy pain. Great! But then someone says -- or more often, *implies* -- that your "submission" is shallow or insincere or inadequate because (just as an example) you have firm limits which you have shared with your partner, or because you insist on safewords, or because you insist on referring to yourself as "I" rather than "i". You are told that you should be "developing" your "submission," "growing" towards that state of submissive-Nirvana known as "being a *slave*". What do you do then?
Well, if you're self-confident and have an analytical, questioning mind, you smile indulgently at those who want to hammer everyone into their own particular cramped little definitional box. And then you happily go on and do whatever pleases you and pleases your partner. Unfortunately, not everyone is sufficiently self-confident or sufficiently analytical and questioning to do that. Far too many people will take *every* piece of BDSM pseudo-philosophy that they hear and try to change themselves to fit what they have been told is "correct".
For example: once in a while I take a look at the profiles of people who are new to the weblogs ... this is about the only time I ever read people's personal ads. I always feel very uncomfortable when I read something like this (this is *not*, incidentally, quoted from anyone's actual profile description ... rather, it's a representative composite, based on many I have read):
"I am totally new to this but I know I am submissive and seek a strict, forceful Master who will train me to become a real slave."
I worry for the women who post profiles like this ... and since I have seen quite a few of this type, even though I am an infrequent reader of the "women seeking men who are tops" ads, I am guessing that there really are a fair number of them out there.
I am also guessing that women who put things like this in their profiles have read on some website, or perhaps have been told by someone in a chatroom, that all "submissives" must be "trained" (as if there were some industry standard for what we do!), that any male who fancies himself such is "A Master" (give me a break!) ... and of course, that "slaves" are, by definition (whose?), the ultimate in the submissive product line and that you should be striving to become one. They are told, they read, they (apparently, at least) believe. And because they are trusting souls who believe what they are told, who fail to question whether anyone beyond themselves can rightfully define what they should be or what they should want, they virtually invite the bullsh*t artists and the wannabes and the abusers to crawl out of the woodwork and take advantage of them.
It just makes me sad. And worried. And angry.
In closing, I'd say to people new to all this the following: As caprycorn, unDIMinished{D}, alexandra and so many others have written, call yourself what pleases you and your partner. Be yourself, and find a partner who is pleased by the *real* YOU, not someone's pre- fabricated fantasy notion of what a "real submissive" or a "real slave" should be. Do the things that please you and please your partner. Don't torment yourself if you don't fit neatly into someone else's definition or category. Don't fall for the lie that all submissives must be "trained," or that all submissives must do *anything*. Question everything, and everyone ... and remember, the point of all this is increased erotic satisfaction, personal enjoyment and expanded horizons. If *anyone* seeks to limit you, to make you less complex, contradictory or wonderfully complicated than you are, if anyone tells you that there is One True Way to do BDSM or D/s ... then offer them an appropriately dismissive hand gesture, turn and walk away.
(And no, I am intentionally *not* adding my typical disclaimers to this one! So there!)
To Matou ... as always, I love you more than I can say. Ai shiteru, Sensei, itsumo.
your cerrynn{M}
Edited Thu 12 Aug 04, 11:22 AM by cerrynn1
