Posted by cerrynn1 on Thu 5 Aug 04, 10:24 AM to cerrynn1's blog.
Not a rant. Not a scene report. No advice to those who don't want it. Scarcely relevant to D/s or BDSM. There are other things I should be doing right now. Who knows why I am doing this, writing this, to all of you, people who either don't know us or scarcely know us, and most likely don't care either way. Perhaps it was Dewi Cinci's weblog, his beautiful description of waking up next to the person you love, whom you want to make happy. It reminded me of a realisation I had last night.
It's been a bad week. I'm not going to tell you why. Even an exhibitionist like me has parts of her life -- no, *our* life -- which shall remain private, inviolately so.
But last night I had a small epiphany. Matou was asleep, and I was watching him, watching over him as he slept. I realised that the purpose of my life -- now, and for as many days, months or years as Fate and Fortune allow us together -- is to contribute, in some small way, to making him happy. I am rarely as successful in contributing to his happiness as I wish I could be. Yet in consistently making the effort I feel purposeful, fulfilled to a degree greater than any I have known before. Funny, that. I have, in conventional terms, achieved a fair bit in my life. So why do I feel a more joyful sense of accomplishment, feel more purely and uncomplicatedly *happy*, when I can just make him smile than I have ever felt before in all my years on the planet?
Nothing else and no one else matters.
Ai shiteru, Sensei ... *itsumo*.
*your* cerrynn{M}
Edited Thu 5 Aug 04, 10:38 AM by cerrynn1
