Posted by cerrynn1 on Mon 2 Aug 04, 1:54 PM to cerrynn1's blog.
So that oldie-but-goodie, "what's the difference between a slave and a sub", seems to have surfaced again. Alexandra's weblog is one of the best answers to that question that I have ever read. If you haven't read it yet, go read it now. It's at:
/weblogs/andra/20040801152719057
Last September we here in IC Weblog Land flogged this particular horse (the one called "slave vs sub") to a near-comatose state, if not actual death. My own contribution -- one of which I must admit I am still quite proud -- is here, if anyone cares to have a look:
/weblogs/cerrynn1/20030916164726228
Matou's weblog on the same topic -- and one of my favourites! -- is at:
/weblogs/Matou/20030917225801465
"Limits" have been in the blogs recently too. Someone, in the course of attempting to define a difference between "slaves" and "submissives", suggested that while "submissives" have limits, "slaves" have no limits except those set by their masters.
In response, I am going to quote from one of my favourite BDSM books: *The New Bottoming Book*, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (Emeryville, CA: Greenery Press, 2001). I heartily recommend this book to *everyone*, regardless of your BDSM orientation -- it's got valuable information for people on both ends of the flogger. Also, you should not be put off by the title if you consider yourself, for example, to be "a slave" -- Easton and Hardy use the generic term "bottom" in the title and in the text simply because they feel it is the most inclusive word available.
Anyway, here's what they have to say about limits:
"Do you really have no limits? Good bottoms know their limits, and can communicate them clearly. This is not only a right, it is a responsibility.
"There are always limits, whether you state them or not. There are limits of physical safety, limits of understanding, and the all-important limits of what does or does not turn you on....
"Janet [Janet W. Hardy, one of the co-authors] was once involved in a discussion with a woman who was a slave in a full-time master-and-slave relationship:
"'She told me, "No, I really have no power, I really have no limits. Whatever my master wants is OK with me." I proposed, "Suppose your master woke up tomorrow morning and told you, 'I'm tired of this S/M stuff. From now on, we're only going to have gentle, consensual, egalitarian vanilla sex.'" There was a long pause. Finally, sheepishly, she answered, "You win. I'd be out of there in a minute."'
"Pretending to play without limits, in our experience, tends to produce less intense scenes, as without a clear understanding of the bottom's limits tops most often wind up doing much less than the bottom can enjoy, just to be on the safe side.
"Accepting your limits is about accepting yourself. If the power exchange of S/M consists of giving your considerable power to a top, or giving yourself over, then limits are about the parts of yourself, or your reactions, that are beyond your control (like ticklishness) and thus beyond your ability to offer. You can still give all you have to give of yourself to that wonderful person who wants to take all of you that [s/he] can get." (pp 27-28)
I want to call special attention to their words at the beginning of the fifth paragraph in the quoted excerpt above: "*pretending* to play without limits". That particular phrasing may raise a few hackles out there, but I strongly agree. We *all* have limits, like it or not (at least I hope most of us are sufficiently sane to draw a limit at, for instance, amputation play). And it's not just bottoms/submissives/slaves who have limits: dominants (or tops or "masters" or whatever) have limits, too. If you say you don't have limits, you are (in my opinion) pretending -- engaging in a kind of "role-play" in which you enjoy the fantasy of "having no limits". Nothing wrong with that, but ... perhaps it might be better (or at least more honest) to acknowledge it for what it is?
Matou and I have been fortunate in that our respective limits have always been very similar, and thus compatible. Also, we have been fortunate in that our limits have expanded and changed more or less in tandem. I think many couples in long-term BDSM-D/s relationships might say the same. Because our limits are so close, we probably don't spend much time (now, at least) thinking about them. Yet we have never at any time pretended that those limits don't exist. We discussed limits -- his and mine -- in depth and detail when we first were getting to know each other, and continue to discuss them from time to time now.
This, of course, is just what *we* choose to do in *our* D/s. As always, we offer our experience and opinions for what they may be worth: no more, no less. If you find something of value, take it with our blessing. If not, please accept our best wishes for success and happiness on *your* chosen path.
To Matou ... this is one of those days when I feel both proud *and* lucky to be yours, and I love you more than I can say. Ai shiteru, Sensei, itsumo ...
*your* cerrynn{M}
Edited Mon 2 Aug 04, 1:56 PM by cerrynn1
