Posted by cerrynn1 on Mon 15 Mar 04, 2:53 PM to cerrynn1's blog.
I've read with interest several weblogs discussing rules and contracts in different people's D/s or BDSM relationships. Consequently, I felt inspired to ramble on a bit about the role of rules and contracts in Matou's and my relationship. Except ... um, there aren't any. Specific, spelled out "rules", that is. I actually had not even thought about this until a discussion Matou and I had last week about rules that some Dominants set for their submissives: some, in our opinions, appropriate and others (again only in our opinions) less so. Matou then asked me, "What rules have I set for you?" It was something of a surprise to me when I realised that there were none. We don't have a contract, either. Here once again I will say, as Matou and I so frequently say in our weblogs, that what I shall write here should *not* be taken as a judgement on people who do choose to have rules and contracts. Actually, I know that Matou and his first submissive, chaton, *did* have a contract, and he and I had discussed contracts in the past as a possibility for us ... but over time it became apparent that a contract between us was not really necessary. We have *no* objections to rules and contracts if they work for other people. But, since rules and contracts are sometimes presented as obligatory features of a D/s relationship, I thought it might be interesting (for me, at least! Who knows if anyone else will be interested!) to explore *why* we haven't felt the need to incorporate these particular practices in *our* D/s relationship.
I guess that what we have instead of explicit rules or a formal written contract are implicit principles and mutual understanding arrived at after countless in- depth discussions of what we both want. First and foremost among those principles, and the one which makes ours a D/s relationship, is that in serious or important situations, should our opinions differ, Matou has the final decision. His will overrides mine. See his weblog of 25 January for a more detailed discussion of this:
/weblogs/Matou/20040125061934373
Other principles by which we live: we have agreed always to be absolutely, transparently honest with each other. This is not always easy, but it is very important for us both. Especially for me, it's also particularly important to be honest with Matou about any health-related, physical or emotional conditions which may affect play. Similarly, as I am his property, another of our principles is that I should do nothing to endanger his property (i.e. myself). We also strive to be respectful and courteous to each other as much as is humanly possible. These principles, while nowhere written down, do form much of the foundation for the understanding with which we conduct our relationship. As for more specific rules, I suspect some people who see us "in action" might *think* that we have such rules. But in fact, we don't. For example ...
Many Dominants set rules concerning what their submissives shall wear (no knickers, no tights, no trousers, etc.). Matou certainly has preferences about what I wear, and I do my level best to comply with his preferences because (quite selfishly!) I get a huge amount of pleasure out of pleasing him, and out of *knowing* that I am pleasing him. I know that he generally *prefers* that I wear skirts rather than jeans or trousers. He likes it when I wear a suspender belt and stockings rather than tights. He also likes me to wear heels rather than flats.
So, do I arise each morning and dress in a skirt, suspender belt, stockings and heels?
Um ... no.
Here's what I *do* do, at least most of the time. I really quite enjoy wearing skirts. Largely because Matou likes to see me in them, but also it's a holdover from many years married to a man who didn't give a flying f**k what I wore, and also from many years in the tropics where comfort necessarily came before style. During those years shapeless indigenous- islander-type dresses or shorts and t-shirts formed the balance of my wardrobe. So now I get quite a kick out of "dressing up" on a regular basis and often I *do* wear skirts all day. In winter, because I do feel the cold more than many people (see previous reference to many years in the tropics -- I'm still adjusting!) they may well be warm, longish skirts. Also because of my sensitivity to cold, Matou understands why I almost always wear sensible heavy black tights (rather than stockings) under my long, warm skirts. If I plan to do some sort of more vigorous physical activity or messy housework, I will wear jeans. Nevertheless, if such activities are planned on a day when Matou is at home (weekends, etc.) or if we are going out together, I *will* ask his permission to wear jeans ... even though there is not a formal, explicit rule about wearing skirts. And if I have spent a weekday wearing jeans for whatever reason, I try to make a point of changing into something more attractive for the evenings when Matou *is* at home.
When we go out, however (especially to a club or party), I do everything I can to please Matou as much as is within my power to do so. I always ask him what he would like to see me wearing before I dress. Usually he will express a preference, but not always: if he leaves it to me, I choose based on what I think he would like. I always wear stockings (unless it is high summer, when I sometimes go without!). I will wear heels, although they are not heels by most scene people's standards, I know. I personally prefer flats because I am incompetent at walking in very high heels. Matou understands and graciously permits me to wear two-inch heels rather than anything higher because he knows I get non-erotically embarrassed when I fall flat on my face in public!
Then there is the matter of my collars and cuffs. I *always* wear, and have written about, my "permanent" collar, the silver chain he placed around my neck on 21 June 2002. He never said to me, "You are never to remove this collar." There is no rule concerning this: I have simply never *wanted* to remove it. Yet I have had to remove it a couple of times in recent months. Last September I was sent for some x-rays of my neck and back and had to remove all my jewelry, including my collar. Afterwards, I came home, knelt before him and asked him to replace it. When I was flying back to the UK from Seattle last month, the Seattle airport security guards were requiring all passengers to remove their shoes, belts, *all* jewelry, watches, glasses -- you get the idea -- before going through the metal detectors. So my collar again had to come off. I considered leaving it off until I got home where Matou could replace it, but I wanted the comfort and security I derive from my collar during the flight so I put it back on myself. I told Matou about all this, and he understood.
I also have a "formal" collar, a black band with a tag bearing Matou's personal insignia. This is substantially more "pervy" looking than my permanent collar, but I do tend to wear it most of the time, removing it only when I bathe or if I am in some emphatically vanilla setting. For instance, I only rarely wore it when I was staying with my family in Seattle these past few months (the first time my mother saw me wearing it, she said, "what's that!? It looks like a dog collar!"). Now that I'm home once more, I wear it most of the time -- even to sleep in! -- yet again because I *want* to wear it. I know it pleases Matou to see me in both my collars. Besides, I like how it feels.
At home, at scene events, and when we are with our friends in the scene, most of the time I wear my cuffs. I enjoy wearing them, and Matou enjoys seeing them on me. Yet ... they are pretty serious looking SM "accessories" -- no way would they pass as a slightly Gothy fashion statement! So I do take them off when I go out "in public". Sometimes I forget to put them back on when I return. Matou's typical response to my forgetfulness is to remind me to put them on (which I most happily do), sometimes teasing me about being a "bad, naughty sub" as he does so. But again -- it's not A Rule that I must always have my cuffs on when I am home. It's something I *want* to do, to please Matou and to please myself.
On the non-apparel front: at home and when we are in the homes of scene friends, typically I sit on the floor at Matou's feet (or as close as possible!) rather than on the furniture. Matou has imposed no rule on me that I do this. I do it because I enjoy it. It allows me to lean against his legs or rest my head in his lap, something I love doing and in which Matou kindly indulges me. I tend to feel very pleasantly submissive when I sit on the floor. Also because of the years I spent living in Japan, I became rather accustomed to sitting on the floor and often simply feel more comfortable there. It's not a rule; rather, and again, it is something I do because it works for us and pleases us.
Does the fact that we do not have a list of rules, or a written contract, make our 24/7 D/s relationship any less intense, less serious, less genuine?
No.
Does the fact that we do not have a list of rules, or a written contract, make our 24/7 D/s relationship any more intense, more serious, more genuine?
No.
It simply is what works for *us*. I offer all of the above merely as an alternative view. In creating the framework for a loving, mutually satisfying D/s relationship. everyone has to discover what works best for them as individuals or couples or families. If explicit rules and contracts contribute to the pleasure and fun of your relationship, use them. If they don't, then don't hesitate to do without them.
Finally, and on another topic entirely: I wanted to send my thanks and love to all the people who have sent us "welcome home" messages in the past weeks. We were overwhelmed ... I am trying to write answers to everyone, but I may miss some people. If I do, please forgive me, but know that your words were so gratefully received.
To Matou ... ai shiteru, Sensei, itsumo. And I am, still and always, so happy to be home with you at last.
your cerrynn{M}
Edited Mon 15 Mar 04, 7:07 PM by cerrynn1
