Posted by cerrynn1 on Wed 28 Jan 04, 9:25 PM to cerrynn1's blog.
My computer has suddenly gone into a coma. I am composing this weblog, surreptitiously, on my mother's desktop, and shall attempt to erase all traces as soon as I have uploaded. Were it not for the fact that I feel compelled to write at the moment, I would not risk doing this. To my readers, let me first say that this may well be a bit of a "downer" to read. I contribute it to the public forum in the hopes that others may learn something that I seem incapable of learning except by bitter experience. Or perhaps incapable of learning until now.
I've mentioned my problem with guilt a few times before in these pages. Well, it's back, and with good reason. I have done something for which I fully deserve to feel guilty and ashamed. I have done something worse than merely displease Matou. I have hurt and disappointed him. I'm not going to go into the details. They are personal. I am writing this, as I said in the first paragraph, in the hopes that perhaps one or two people may learn from my experience and avoid having to learn it first hand. Much more importantly, I want to say all of this, in the presence of our friends, to Matou. It's not an apology, really. I have apologised, and he has, with grace and generosity that I feel I do not really deserve at the moment, forgiven me.
At some point I suppose Matou may feel that a formal punishment ritual is called for in this incident. Or perhaps not. That will be for him to decide. At any rate, it is rather difficult to accomplish said ritual when we are separated by several thousand miles. Ironically, the actions of mine that are to blame for the problem are inextricably linked to the fact that we *are* separated by several thousand miles. Had these been normal times, none of this would have happened ... at least not in this specific way.
Yet, having said that, what I did is part of an ongoing pattern, one I mentioned in my previous weblog: thoughtless, inconsiderate behaviour. Not fully thinking through the possible consequences of something I did, but rather acting on impulse. Allowing my (at the time very disturbed) emotions to lead, rather than my reason. I think many people have the belief that "expressing one's feelings", no matter what they are, no matter what the consequences may be, no matter if the recipient of the "shared" sentiment will be hurt by its expression, is frequently seen to be acceptable and desirable. I *don't* happen to share this belief, yet I still make the mistake of doing it from time to time. The hurt and unhappiness generated by this most recent incident may -- finally - - have been enough to make a more lasting impression on me in this regard.
I am not saying that one should conceal important feelings from one's partner ... especially, I am *not* saying that a submissive should ever hide things from his/her dominant. I *am* saying (probably not very well) that all of us, dominants and submissives alike, are vulnerable human beings, human beings who can be hurt or harmed as much by words as by a cane or a flogger or a single-tail. I am saying that because words can hurt, they should be fully considered, not just in terms of whether they express what the sender of the message is feeling at the moment, but considered in terms of how the receiver of the message will feel. This may be of even more importance in a long distance relationship, where the words are really all that exist. Where one can't immediately fall to one's knees to beg forgiveness. Where forgiveness can't be reinforced by an embrace.
I have begged forgiveness, and Matou has forgiven me. We will be all right ... at least, it is my fervent hope and prayer that this shall pass quickly and that we shall both be "stronger in the broken places" as a result. It will take some time, though. I also hope and pray that *this* time I will be able to internalise the lesson a bit more thoroughly than I have in the past -- the lesson to think about possible consequences as well as my intentions, to use the love I have for Matou to help me put myself more in his place, to imagine how he might feel.
For I do love him. Heaven and deities help me, this incident has made me realise yet again that I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone before in my life ... and I am old enough and experienced enough to have experienced several passionate loves before. But never one quite like this. The intensity of it almost frightens me some times. As Matou wrote in his last weblog, the more that is given, the greater the potential for loss. For the twelve hours that elapsed before Matou and I were able to speak of what had happened, I feared that I had lost him. I can't tell you with what relief I heard that he had forgiven me. Or the deep humility I experienced, and gratitude, that he loved me enough do so. On many occasions I have reflected that I am a very lucky submissive to be owned by such a dominant as Matou. Today I am also feeling that I am a very lucky woman to be loved by such a man. From today onward I shall try to be more worthy of his love.
Sensei ... honto-ni moshiwake arimasen. Ai shiteru, itsumo.
your cerrynn{M}
Edited Fri 30 Jan 04, 4:03 AM by cerrynn1
