Posted by cerrynn1 on Sat 17 Jan 04, 2:13 AM to cerrynn1's blog.
The words that I have found, the words below, are for Matou (as are all my words, and everything that I am). But all of you -- our friends -- are welcome to stay and read on. I call you "our friends" because I believe that anyone who has read our weblogs with sympathy and understanding ... or at least with an open mind and heart ... is a friend, even if we have yet to meet you in person.
Sensei ...
I prepared myself before sitting down to compose these words. I am dressed so that you would, I hope, be pleased. I am wearing a skirt, as I know you prefer, and stockings and suspenders rather than tights. I am freshly showered and shaved in the appropriate places, my hair is washed (and still just slightly damp!). When we are going out to a party or club, I always do my make-up slightly differently than I do for ordinary day-to-day wear; tonight, I have applied my make-up as if we were going out, and I have applied perfume (the only one I wear, the one of which there is still a bottle in the bathroom at Matou Mansions, atop the cabinet) in places where you might notice it, faintly, as you remove my clothes or perhaps while we play.
As always, I am wearing your collar ... my beautiful silver chain, the one that I never remove. I am also wearing my formal collar, the one with the tag that marks me for all who have eyes to see as your property.
I hope you approve.
In an inadequate response to your beautiful words of Wednesday, may I offer you in return another memory? The memory of our first scene together, at the B-Hive, on 20th April 2002.
We were in the dungeon ... it was busy that night, and the only space available was in the "cell". I knew, from all you had told me, that this was not really your first choice, but that night I was quite happy to be slightly apart from everyone else: I was ... what? Not exactly nervous, in the sense of fear, but nervous from anticipation. I wanted this, so much. And after our wonderful day together, I knew that I wanted it from *you*, with *you*. Given those feelings, the cell was perfect: it gave me a (perhaps illusory!) sense of privacy, although (exhibitionist that I am!) I was also excited to know that people were watching. Also, I was proud that you wanted to play with me, that I -- an untried newbie! -- would be the recipient of your attentions.
You bound me. You reminded me of my safewords. Then you began stroking my shoulders, my hair. I felt at that moment like I had found the place and the feelings for which I had been searching my entire life.
Then you whispered a question in my ear, a question no one else would have been able to hear. You asked me, "Why are you here?"
The answer came unbidden, spontaneously. I answered, "To submit to you."
Now, although we are thousands of miles apart, I can still hear your voice, asking me that question:
"Why are you here?"
Allow me to answer again. Now, as then, as always ... to submit to you. But now there is more. To submit to you, to belong to you, to serve your needs, to give you pleasure, to love you with all the strength and passion that is in my heart and body and soul, for as long as my submission and my love please you, for as long as you want me.
Then, that first night, the scene proceeded ... a wonderful, tactile, sensuous scene, a scene that changed my life. For the first time I went into subspace ... so deeply into subspace that when you had brought the scene to a close, I was still far, far away. I can't even remember you releasing me from my bonds and helping me to the chair that sat in the corner of the cell. The first thing I *can* remember is emerging, slowly, from wherever I had gone, opening my eyes, and seeing your face -- your wonderful face, the face I love so much -- looking into my face, gently brushing my hair to one side, searching my eyes. When you saw me coming down from wherever I had been, you smiled at me ... and regardless of what you may say to the contrary, I find your smile one of the most lovely things in the world. Then you asked, "Are you back with me now?"
Now, although we are thousands of miles apart, I can still hear your voice, asking me that question too: "Are you back with me now?"
The answer now, as then, is "yes." Even though we are physically still separated, these past months have proven to me how much we *are*, *always* together. I know, as I think you do, that I *am* back with you. I have never gone away.
A few weeks ago you asked me still another question. You told me not to answer right away, to think about it ... *really* think about it, about all the implications, before I gave you my answer.
I did think, really think. You know my answer -- I gave it to you a few days later. But now, in "public", in the company of our friends (those we know well and those we have yet to meet), I want to share that question and my answer. I have not gained your prior permission to do this, and I hope -- desperately -- that you will not be displeased that I am saying this here and now, in this place. I do so because the realities of the world in which we live prevent me from shouting it from the rooftops, which is what I would really like to do. The next best thing seems to be to state it here.
You asked me, "Are you truly *sure* that you can submit to me, absolutely?"
You know my answer.
But again ...
Yes.
Yes, my beloved Master, my lover and my dearest friend, I am sure.
Absolutely sure.
Ai shiteru, Sensei, *itsumo*.
**your** cerrynn{M}
Edited Sat 17 Jan 04, 6:22 AM by cerrynn1
