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| Brindle |
on Wed 23 Aug 06, 5:58 AM to Brindle's blog.
This is a hard blog to write in many ways and I've turned off replies as I'm just really, despite writing it, unsure how I feel or what they impact is/will be on my life.
Imagine for a moment... you are open in the scene, your friends and family know that and who you are, you are comfortable with who you are - an apparently open-minded and tolerant, caring and loving person... who happens to have a wide variety of fetishes and the disposition to encourage others to accept not only those... but their own.
This person (person A) meets another person (person B - who is apparently fairly 'vanilla') entirely by accident, in an environment which is disposed to accept, accommodate and positively encourage discussion of such things (see http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/boards/offtopic...
Person A is not desirous of a relationship outside BDSM context, indeed is not desirous of a "relationship" at all... person Bb is intrigued by person A and pursues them. In an entirely ld fashioned 'romantic' sense.
Person A relents - with an element of delight it has to be said - and the couple proceed to confound, bemuse and exasperate relatives and friends by being very happy, falling in love and getting engaged.
An odd, but key aspect in this relationship, is openness and enjoyment of both mutual and individual fetishes. Odd, because out of the blue and apparently at random, these two have met and understood something deep about each other. From no-where. Which is in some way magical and a cause for celebration and happiness. Fate, it seems, is a wonderful thing.
However.
It becomes increasingly apparent that person B has a range of fetishes that push person A's limits. Person B has fetish's unacceptable to person A. Has a fantasy life/s which person A finds make's them feel somewhat uncomfortable. One which starts to intrude on the intimate life that they have together.
Nothing illegal, as such, in any terrible sense...nothing stomach churning like the skinning of a puppy dog in the presence of 4.76 witches born on the 3rd of Aug in 1746 who have 16 toes... or such...
But things that are an intimate betrayal of trust - trust of person B by person A. And friends of person A's. And of friends of person B's. Who have BECOME friends of person A. (following me so far? Gooooodddd....)
Things that Person A warned person B what the outcome would be, if hey ever found out it had happened FOR SURE. "3 strikes and yr out mate...." as clear as day. Yet person B... took the risk..and then some....
So the somewhat strange circumstance that person A is left in, is that of being the recipient of, the receiver of, in unwitting developer of, and ultimate victim and sacrifice of several fairly 'extreme' fetishes . One's totally unacceptable to them and which they are not willing to have as a part of their everyday life.
But hang on - weren't THEY the person openly involved in the scene?
Wasn't person B supposed to be the one who kept it all in the dark and daren't let their desires out into the light? (Or should that be the other way around? lol)
So. Person B becomes the extremist. The freak. The oddity. The 'pervert'. Yet they castigate person A for their - openly admitted and openly conducted - desires. Ones under which, person A understood that person B, accepted their entrance into the relationship in the first place.
And they deny the existence of their 'kink' in every conceivable way. To the extent of causing severe detriment to person A's health - rendering them housebound on occasion - calling person A a liar, a paranoid obsessive, addicted to obscenity, manipulative, unable to retreat from fantasy, process any cognitive thought or functioning the 'real' world - bordering on schizophrenic in fact....
This feels kinnda the wrong way round?
*thinks long and deep*
I try hard to be person A. And I don't think I'm THAT far off? So how come person B's fetish's are unacceptable to me? Given that they aren't on any widely available "BDSM list" that I know of. Nor are they something slightly 'out there' discussed as an oddity once in a while on a random forum?
Oh, I guess I'd come across variants of it in books and through general exposure to the 'lifestyle' but never to this extent. Not so openly - or should that be blatantly? - or so callously.
But, given my 'open-mindedness' I guessed I'd never come across something so OPEN but yet so 'unacceptable. And not just so to me. But something perceived as irrevocably and totally beyond the pale by almost EVERY* single person who has suffered as a result of it's expression.
*(which is a WHOLE nother story)
Whilst I've always had a degree of empathy, I'd never really understood what the potential IMPACT of the possible fallout could be - particularly from such a determined and desperate need by someone to be accepted. From the person involved - who does not wish to, and is unable to admit to what is occurring (repeatedly) - towards the person who is the unwitting recipient of the confusion, the fear, the anger, the bitterness, the heart-break, the terror and the addiction? And to have it expressed in quite so a dangerous and intimate a way ? From, and 'with', your parther?
Yet it appears to be what I'm suffering.
And this is NOT is not a term I use lightly, believe me.
Nor does it include reference to any of the other shite he's left behind for me to sort out.....
Nor does it encompass to ANY extent what has occurred in my life within the last 12 months overall - and last 6mths specifically - as it simply could not.
No word could.
Nor a thousand words.
The only one that comes remotely close - and which I will leave you with if you have happened along thus far and are trying hard to follow where I'm going:-
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/bereft
And, in ye-olde tradition of IC ....
Andain Beautiful Things (Gabriel And Dresden Remix)
"Can I change my mind did I think things through It was once my life - it was my life at one time
Got up early, found something's missing my only name. No one else sees but I got stuck, and soon forever came. Stopped pushing on for just a second, then nothing's changed. Who am I this time, where's my name I guess it crept away.
No one's calling for me at the door. And unpredictable won't bother anymore. And silently gets harder to ignore. Look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see. What's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me. Just let it go, what now can never be.
I forgot that I might see, So many beautful things. I forgot that I might need, to find out what life could bring.
Take this happy ending away, it's all the same. God won't waste this simplicity on possibility. Get me up, wake me up, dreams are filling this trace of blame. Frozen still I thought I could stop, now who's gonna wait.
No one's calling for me at the door. and unpredictable won't bother anymore. and silently gets harder to ignore. look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see. what's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me. just let it go, what now can never be.
So many, beautiful things So many, beautiful things
Now what do I do can I change my mind did I think things through It was once my life - it was my life at one time"
