Posted by cerrynn1 on Fri 14 Feb 03, 1:10 AM to cerrynn1's blog.
Several situations recently, both in world events and in my personal world, have led me to think a bit about the nature of feeling helpless, and about *being* helpless. Ramblings follow:
Some of you know that I am an American, at least by passport. Consequently, I have of late (like Sir Realalot) been receiving communiques from the states about people building shelters, stocking up on food, water, duct tape (no, not for amusement while sitting in one's shelter; to seal one's doors and windows against biochemical agents), and even gas masks (no, not for amusement while...oh, never mind!). Many (not all) Americans are historically fond of practicing these kinds of "survival strategies". It's a response, in my opinion, to the reality of helplessness: doing *something* to create the comforting illusion that one *can* do something.
I'm afraid that as far as such things as terrorist threats are concerned, I take an "Appointment in Samarra" approach. For those not familiar with this lovely little tale, see:
www.ksu.edu/english/baker/english320/Maugham-AS....
But then there are the personal events. Things happen, people you love and care about are in trouble, in emotional and/or physical pain, in sickness. And you want, desperately, To Help. To do something, somehow, to alleviate (even if only temporarily) their pain. But much of the time there's precisely *nothing* that you can do. Even worse, sometimes, are the occasions when perhaps *someone* might be able to help, but for various reasons that "someone" isn't you.
In situations like vague terrorist threats, one feels helpless because you *know* you are powerless, that you really can't do anything. In the interpersonal realm, it's slightly different, at least for me: I feel helpless because a part of me thinks I *should* be able to do something, but still so often I find myself unable to give *meaningful* help to the ones I care about.
Yet, while trying to help people I love, I do wonder if I am not really trying to help *myself* as much or more. I want to be able to think of myself as "good": a "good" friend, a "good" daughter, a "good" submissive, a "good" whatever...and "good" people are helpful, aren't they? In my darker moments I sometimes think that my raging desire to "help" is really about stroking my own ego. If so, am I being selfish? But surely, not caring, not wanting or trying to help, not making even those small, pathetically ineffectual efforts to help, would be even worse...?
Matou reassures me, telling me I am not so ineffectual as I sometimes think, that sometimes, even if one can't really *do* anything, just being there is helpful. And that there's nothing wrong with taking satisfaction in trying, even if only in small ways, to make things better. Reassurances for which I am profoundly grateful to him.
No brilliant conclusions on this one yet. In the interim, I am trying (not entirely successfully!) just to *accept* that I am, in some (not all) situations, comparatively helpless. Nevertheless, I shall probably continue to make those small efforts (like typing out excerpts from Shakespeare and Marvell in my weblogs). Although perhaps I should strive to improve my skills at offering "nice cups of tea" instead.
* * * * *
Having written the above, I then had a look at the current weblogs and read Mistress Samantha's entry ("A Question", 13 February). And guess what? That burning drive To Help, somehow, anyhow, is back!
Except, I know I can't answer any of the valid and important questions she has asked. I'm not sure whether any of the following will prove useful, but for what it's worth...
When I first started experimenting with All This (many years ago, with my ex-husband), I don't think I even knew the term "submissive". What I thought I wanted then was, well, kinky sex. Bondage, some minor pain, then Mad, Passionate Love! Or at least mad, passionate, forceful sex! For many reasons doing all this with the ex was not successful, and my kinkiness went on the backburner until I was out of the marriage and onto the internet. It was only then that I learned about the D/s part of BDSM. I still thought, for quite some time, that I was primarily interested in bondage, maybe some pain, and being *sexually* controlled.
How things change! I now do, and very much enjoy doing, a rather wide range of submissive, D/s-oriented activities, both sexual and non-, play- and non-play related. A few years ago I never would have imagined doing any of these things, let alone imagine that I would find them mind-bendingly arousing and personally rewarding. They were "acquired tastes", but ones I now can't do without.
I share all this because I believe that the parameters of someone's submission (or dominance, for that matter) *can* change. If a sub realises that their Dom/me wants (or needs) more control, more service, more whatever, might it not be possible for the couple to talk about it, and then perhaps, slowly and gradually, experiment? Especially when the two people love each other? Perhaps the sub might find that while the idea of "service" in the abstract may not be a wild turn-on, that serving -- and pleasing -- that one, special, *beloved* Dom/me may well be extraordinarily satisfying and enjoyable after all.
Just a thought. Probably not a very helpful thought, but, well...
Anyone for a nice cup of tea?
Edited Fri 14 Feb 03, 2:36 AM by cerrynn1
