Posted by cerrynn1 on Wed 29 Jan 03, 1:18 PM to cerrynn1's blog.
After reading the latest installments of The Spanking Menace (thanks for the felicitous title, Greg!), I now feel sooooo silly for ever taking subbeater seriously. Initially, I was concerned that some inexperienced souls might take him for a model of what actual tops/Doms really do with actual bottoms/subs. Then, I thought he might be trying to provide us with literature for one-handed reading amusement. Only now do I see my error: it's satire, and he's winding us up. He must be. Isn't he...?!?
Regardless of the author's intentions, subbeater's treatment of safewords (now several episodes back) did make me think about my own education in their use. More specifically, I recalled the first time I ever *did* use a safeword, my introduction to the r/t West Midlands BDSM community, and how I met my Dom.
I had been aware of my kinks for a long time. Like so many people, it was only after the advent of the internet that I realized that I was not alone, that I was not (necessarily!) "sick," and that my desires didn't have to remain in the realm of fantasy. I discovered a West Midlands BDSM group that sponsored a regular munch, and that had a list of volunteer "meeters-and-greeters" (with email addresses) on their website. I wrote to several, and ended up in an extended, emotionally in-depth, email dialogue with one of them, a male dominant with whom I seemed to have quite a few things in common. His scene nick was (and is!) Matou.
What the two of us wrote to each other over the next few weeks would, if printed, amount to a medium-sized book. I fairly quickly decided that yes, I *would* definitely attend a munch in the company of this man I had come to know via email. He insisted that I get references on him (that was in his first email to me), and that I set up safecalls for the day of the munch, even though (then!) we had no plans to play on that occasion. The plans for meeting up and going to the munch expanded...would I be interested in attending the BBB the next day as well? Yes, that sounded like fun.
We wrote some more. Much more. He taught me about the importance of thinking about, identifying, and expressing my limits, both hard and soft. And he taught me about the importance of safewords...how I should *never* feel reluctant or embarrassed about using them, how any top or dom worthy of the name would insist that any sub, but especially a new sub with whom s/he was playing for the first time, should understand and be willing to use these key communication tools.
A few days before the Big Weekend (first munch, first BBB, etc.), my "meeter-and-greeter" (who was now very much my friend), asked, with some hesitation, if I would be interested in attending a play party with him on Saturday night as well. He stressed that there was no pressure to play, that we could go and just watch, or not go at all...that it was up to me. By now, I was feeling *very* enthusiastic about all this (probably to the point of making Matou feel like he had created a monster!) and immediately said I would *love* to go to a play party! He responded by asking me, in quite a bit of detail, about my medical/physical history. I answered in even greater detail. Again, he re- emphasized that we would only play if I felt comfortable in doing so.
Fast forward to the weekend: Matou met me at New Street Station on Saturday. We had coffee, and I made my safecall. We attended the munch, where I met a dizzying array of wonderful people, many of whom I am now privileged to count among my friends. After the munch, we had a lovely dinner in a nearby restaurant, then returned to my hotel where we changed into fetish gear, and off we went to the party.
Matou showed me around the venue, culminating in a trip to the dungeon to see what was going on in there. When I first saw people actually doing what I had been dreaming about doing for so many years, I was entranced, fascinated...and hooked! I *knew* that I wanted to do this, as soon as possible! Right now, even!! I did make an effort to control my possibly unladylike enthusiasm, however, and we went back to the "chill-out" space, where we talked for an hour or so...by the end of that time I know Matou *knew* I wanted to play. So, back to the dungeon we went.
The scene was a revelation for me. I had been a bit worried that after all my fantasising, that when I actually experienced, say, a flogger, that I would find myself to be a complete wimp, not enjoy it, and all this would be for naught. I needn't have worried. Matou gently introduced me to some of his favourite methods and toys, starting out with each one very lightly, gradually increasing the intensity, touching and talking to me throughout. At some point I flew off into subspace...*deeply* into subspace. I can remember thinking that I never wanted to come back!
At the beginning of the scene he had reminded me about safewords, asking me to repeat to him what they were (we used, and still use, the "traffic signal" system), and what each one meant, and reminding me again not to hesitate to use them at any time throughout the scene. At some point, after using a suede flogger, he moved to a slightly heavier leather flogger, again slowly building the intensity. I was not perceiving any of the strokes as "pain", but rather as "intense sensation" or "stimulation". But then one heavier stroke with the leather flogger cut through the hypnotic haze in which I was floating, a stroke that I perceived as genuinely painful. It startled me, and I called "amber". I didn't want him to stop...I wanted him *never* to stop! But I needed to slow down right at that moment. Immediately he was next to me, reassuring, asking me if I needed to stop ("No!!! Don't stop!!!"), making sure I was all right. I *was* all right, and the scene proceeded to a wonderful conclusion.
In retrospect, I now know that *nothing* Matou did that first night was particularly severe, even the stroke that had me calling "amber". But I am not at all sorry that I *did* use a safeword in that first scene: it began a process of taking the trust that already existed between us to other, deeper levels. That, I think, is one of the primary functions of safewords, or safe signals...they are tools for building and extending trust. They don't guarantee "safety" in and of themselves (there have been many times since when I have been so far gone in subspace that I have been incapable of any articulate speech, let alone of enunciating a safeword). But knowing that they are in place and will be respected encourages a level of mutual confidence and communication that allows both the dominant and the submissive to go further, to fly higher.
Last but not at all least...I do want to welcome my Dom, Matou, to IC weblog land! (I am so proud to be yours, Sensei...)
Edited Wed 29 Jan 03, 3:25 PM by cerrynn1
