Born in the early part of the seventies, I nonetheless consider myself a woman from a different age. Many have tried to unsuccessfully define me as unusual, eccentric, or possibly even mildly sociopathic, but I would contend that human behaviour is in the mind of the beholder and it's almost certainly everyone else that's far too normal. Were I to languish in the murky waters of self-definition, I would probably attempt to characterize myself as a militant self-propelled vehicle, armed with too larger a magazine of bunker-busting ordinance to spend my time in illiberal company.

I crave the company of autonomous, cantankerous individuals; wild minds who can enrage and engorge my senses, whilst illuminating and irritating what passes for my intellect. My life is too short and I have no time for Gorgian sophistry – I crave only the rhetoric of effective communication and sensual connection. I cannot deny my inability to suffer fools or even those who would seek to undertake paid work for longer than the second Sphenic number of hours in a week. Lau Tzu once said that silence is a source of great strength – there are many people who would do well to contemplate that.

My life is blessed with a cornucopia of delicious compatriots, deviant collaborators and wicked muses, but I subscribe to the philosophy that affection is not a zero sum game and my appetite for both sexual adventure and unorthodox bicycles continues, unabated. Predominantly Dominant in outlook, I have long worked on the assumption that sometimes, Thunderbird is just as much fun. In the right Venusian company, from time to time and with those who can summon up an enticingly assertive repertoire, I have few reservations in taking pleasure through compliance.

Not wanting to give the wrong impression, it behoves me to labour the point that whilst I would concede that Valerie Solanas might have been taking things a mite too far, I am nonetheless a lesbian, a feminist and not given to the whims and preferences of patriarchal assumptions. That is to say, whilst I am really quite keen on men and enjoy their company immensely, I couldn't eat a whole one.

I cannot abide fish, unwaxed moustaches or Lark Rise to Candleford. I am particularly fond of corduroy, assisted-opening knives and automagical pencil sharpening machines. I am skilled in the art of improvised dialogue, urban knotwork and slipper-sole calligraphy. I take great pride in my collection of vintage rosewood MP3 boxes and my albums of lovingly pressed and cross referenced complaints. Should I ever come into a substantial sum of money, I would immediately acquire a flock of rhea and train them to deliver insulting notes to recalcitrant lovers whilst they are waiting to ovulate (the rhea, that is, not the lovers).

As for the rest, the other details of my life are quite inconsequential. Originally qualified as a quail sexer, I diversified into designing cable ties and I now work as a human projectile in the mobile light entertainment industry. When not working or indulging my more visceral and lascivious nature, I like nothing better than carving Australian love spoons with a blunt machete, tending to my herd of autophagous stick insects or perhaps a little recreational underwater macramé. One day have ambitions to develop a device for processing Daily Mail readers to make stronger reinforced concrete. I would also like to visit Basildon, but not until I am wise enough to appreciate it.

This profile was last updated on 17 Mar 10, 10:37 PM.

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