Negotiation

Negotiation in its broadest sense can include almost any process by which two or more people work out the terms on which they will deal with each other. This article deals with the negotiation between a pair of people, especially a Dominant and a submissive or a top and a bottom, over aspects of either their lifestyle or of a specific scene. The SSC approach to BDSM more or less requires that negotiation take place explicitly. Negotiation is, more often than not, an ongoing process between two partners that often changes and adapts to circumstances.

Every relationship has its terms, and part of consensuality is that those terms be made explicit. This is particularly important in BDSM relationships.

Most obviously, negotiation is how a Dominant/top can learn the limits of a submissive/bottom, but it also can cover a lot of other ground. For starters, tops have limits, too, whether it be "Yes I'm glad to whip you, but no, I will not dress you up in women's clothing first" or "Don't ever mention either of our mothers during a scene." Also, negotiation can be about positive needs as well as limits: "Please, I really like to be hand-spanked, if you can do that every night when I come home from the office, I'm yours" or "I like it when you call me your little pussy."

There are a lot of ways to negotiate. Normally, it is done through conversation, but people who play with a lot of different partners have been known to create erotic resumes for themselves and questionnaires for their partners.

And then there is negotiating in scene. This works especially well when a more experienced Dom is playing with a less experienced sub. In physical play, one can slowly move toward more intense forms of an activity, checking in continually to see if you are approaching limits. Or, especially for D/s, negotiation itself can be made into a scene. For example, a Dom can start out by giving the new sub a safeword, and then negotiate by interrogation.

Lifestyle

The negotiation of limits between partners is most important, especially before entertaining the idea of a contract.

Scene Specific

Even with no contract, before a scene takes place, it is commonplace for the Dominant and the submissive to negotiate terms of said scene.

For instance, while negotiating, either party may insist upon the use of a safeword. They may also negotiate the time frame of the scene or the location or whether it will be public or private.